Rant day!
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Posted:May 4, 2005 8:00 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1368 Views
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I was suppose to post it last monday then again, I forgot that I have written this blog...
rant day!
Bad monday. Let me vent it out.
There is always pride in being first. There’s a distinct tilt of the head, a certain strut, a recognizable smile that can be observed, even envied. I absolutely love being first, the thrill of the chase and then the adrenaline rush moments before triumph. After awhile, I figured I like staying on top better.
Up until the last quarter of 2004, I have been single, content, happy and have been in that state for 9 months or so. I do not claim to have led a monastic life. It was hella good. At one point you can call me commitmentphobic. Somewhat. Call me cocky, but I believed that if whoever I was seeing goes away, then, there will be another. I can only be who I am. I have sins. I may not go to Church, or believe in everything they preach but it doesn’t mean that those who do are less sinful. Call me selfish. You get what you give. You give what you get. Either or, I never really took without giving.
And then I met him. Someone so different from me, yet I could not stay away. The party lights dimmed, somewhat.My glamorous single life was slowly losing its appeal. Suddenly, it had to be him. Not some charming ultragorgeous older guy, not one of the dangerously safe men.
Yes, it must be love. It is.
I am so damn happy. We go through hard times, admittedly, mainly because of our disparities as individuals, but the love between us has always been in questions. We have talked about our firsts, lasts, present, future and yes, the past.
There are things and places that I do not wish to step on, which is precisely why I pushed the stop button when he was giving me the 101 about old flames. I know he would have given me more information, but I saw no need to. All I really needed was the basics, which I got. Now, why didn’t I pounce on some juicy details?
They had something. And it is theirs. I do not wish to intrude on it.I want them to have it. I am secure enough not to want to be in his every memory. I respect their past and what they shared. I have been someone else’s former, and I wish I am given the respect I have accorded them and what we used to have. I always try to put myself in others' shoes.
The thing is, I’m not throwing any stones. I do not see the need to. Why should I bother when I’m busy trying to conceal my the-cat-who-ate-the-canary grin? I’m not bluffing when I say I have a royal flush in my hands.
I am being as considerate and just as I can be. But if barbs are sent my way, well, dare me.  Who knows? I just might oblige. Call me a b.i.a.t.c.h.... But do not make the mistake of calling me a s.l.u.t.
There is pride in being first,let us remember,however, that in love, in true love, firsts do not really matter, whether one is the first or the 7 billionth, for it is everyone’s goal, everyone’s fervent wish to be the significant other’s last.
I hope it doesn’t get to be a bad week..
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Ponderings as well....
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Posted:May 4, 2005 3:21 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1588 Views
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"what happens when you take matters in your own hands - and you fail? what happens when you set out to look for something and end up with nothing?
I took every opportunity there was thinking that I can change my own destiny...there's no such thing as a perfect time, a perfect moment when everything will fall into place. one cannot force it. one can only do so much." -
drunken_angel
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A Geriatric's Power Trip
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Posted:May 4, 2005 3:20 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2134 Views
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A Geriatric's Power Trip
< i've been skimping in my entry lengths for the past few weeks... nyahaha! >
Tomorrow, as I will be enrolling back to College to finish my last year Pre-Law Course, my fate will be sealed, my age etched in stone. Tomorrow, I'll be another senior citizen in college. I'll be officially a 19-year-old geriatric. Uugod-ugod, papagod-pagod, bawal nang tumambay sa IB Lobby simula bukas para makapag-enrol at feel-at-home naman ang mga freshies.
Really, it's not that hard to be a senior citizen. It happens to the best of us: one day you're still a young freshman in the prime of your kayabangan, and the next you're an aging college senior still at the height of your Ateneans arrogance, but you're pretty much contained. If you're like me, I think you catch my drift. If you're an incoming freshman, you probably would get pissed off with all this and think that, at least in a "Can This Be Love?" twist... "You're so... so... yabang!" OK, fine, I'm not in the mood to argue. I'd rather waste my time helling the piss out of myself, which is the only thing I can do right now. Yeah, you heard me: hell the piss out of myself.
Like I said, it happens to the best of us. Ever thought about how old you are and you start to reminisce about your childhood? Frankly I'm stuck remembering Pog, Joy Whistle Candies (those strawberry-and-cream flavored candies which whistle when you blow through them) and Zip (that orange juice in the pyramid-shaped pack... it takes so much skill to drink it). Don't get me started on Dinosaur Eggs, Tamiya, YanYan and ZoomZoom. I'm still in the mood to argue about Jose Rizal's gender preferences: something that didn't surface in this afternoon's PI 100 exam (Clue: seriously, you don't believe that the relationship between Rizal and Ferdinand Blumentritt was strictly platonic, do you?).
But hey, when the nice manang from the Registrar's Office started to post these "No Loitering" signs I felt that this whole aging thing is starting to pull me under. I can't even make tambay in the lobby anymore since this whole mess of snot-nosed freshmen fresh off high school would fall in line for their Form 5's. Maybe so: I bet they would go right back to their excited parents, show their Form 5's and ask kung gaano kadiin dapat pirmahan yung form para sumulat doon sa kabila. Maybe I'm underestimating them a bit. No, not "maybe" or "a bit." Perhaps this is not the proper forum to spew out intellectual insults. As my mom would curse, "Sus, moriones." Never really got what that meant.
At least I could go about my business being a power-tripping upperclasswoman. That's something worth my while. While we were off the canteen for lunch, there was a sea of parents and incoming freshmen making tambay by the clinic (this conyo language is getting on my nerves a bit). I'm not antipatika, but my friends made it perfectly clear to me that I have this certain angas factor: it's just a factor anyway. So anyway, I just said that "mukhang masarap mag-power trip bukas" and these uber-sensitive parents took a bit of offense to it by staring at me like they were my own mom. Oh, there's this openly gay freshie in the canteen, somewhat reminiscent of Jun Encarnacion, fanning himself with a real, folding fan. So I just said that he looked like the hairdresser: the instant response from my friends was, "Whoa, May, that's low." What's so low about that? I was just talking.
I have that effect on people, you know. But anyways, in the immortal words of Danny Glover in "Lethal Weapon," I'm getting too old for this...
You know.
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Man Hunt: the Search for the Next Boy Toy
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Posted:May 3, 2005 5:41 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1735 Views
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I was making fun with my friend Yvonne, the other day while I am her place and wrting some stuff. "Go post an add that goes: WANTED BOYFRIEND" .. I told her no way!, that is the corniest and the cheapest thing I won't do ever... but she said it's just for fun and nothing is serious. And I end up with this :
Man Hunt: the Search for the Next Boy Toy
I need a hug.
It just occurred to me that whenever im stressed, I need a strong and soft body to comfort me. Yesterday, I was really busy from the last day of March until today and I am soooo tired until now.. Thankfully, somebody came to the rescue, it's Angelo my little cousin who gives me a hug and warm kiss... after that, I had to find a person to transfer the stress accumulating in my system. Good thing Raine was there to make me smile, But what if Raine were not around? Would I have resorted to bawling inside the washroom eating my lunch alone (which is soooo Mean Girls). I MUST DEVICE AN ANTI-STRESS PLAN and I must have it NOW.
This led me to think of several contingency plans.
1. Calling my friends, BUT what if they're doing something more important?
2. Chocolates: nope, too fattening
3. Shirk: out of the question.
So that leaves me with... drumroll please... MAY's OFFICIAL BOYFRIEND SEARCH.
Yeah. Yeah.... what a pathetic reason to fall in love. But what the heck, im only human, flesh and blood I'm made (how cheesy!).
Don’t get me wrong. I won’t just pull some stranger walking in Glorietta, in any malls... that would be cheap. I have a master plan with the standards of the (un)fortunate guy who will be sharing his affection with an, ahem, undercover goddess. lol.
I asked Yvonne to find me one… She, like yours truly, is now a member of the SINGLES. ShE asked me what I want in a guy… hmmm, oo nga no? What is it that I want in a boyfriend/ bearer of all my stress?
INITIAL REQUIREMENTS:
1. sane
2. non- violent
3. single
4. willing to be subjected to intense emotional, physical, and verbal abuse
5. willing to dish out some cash, time and lotsa effort ... lol....
Pre-qualifying Exam
1. Clean, Fresh smelling (amoy bagong paligo, hindi yung parang binabad sa pabango) and hygienic
Rationale: since the primary reason I want to have a boyfriend is that I want somebody to hug, he must be huggable ( not that chubby nor fat, he must be skinny yet huggable in some aspect). I don’t want to be embracing someone smelling like a dumpsite.
2. Normal to extremely good looking person
Rationale: I’m not really expecting a gorgeous Ryan Phillippe looking guy but if God gives me one, bakit ako tatanggi sa grasya?
Pero if not, I would settle for someone normal looking. I don’t want him to have a huge mole, it might distract me everytime. I don’t want him to have features that are too large (mukhang anime) or too small (mukhang premature baby). Normal nga lang…
3. Dressed for success
Rationale: My future boyfriend/ bearer of all my stress will be seen with me, an undercover goddess so he must look decent and respectable. Please, no wearing of huge basketball shoes 24/7 or loose hiphop shirts… that is soooo.. fubu. Argh... whoaaa... No way.
4. Dressed nothing on the head
Rationale: He must be bald.. not that bald.. maybe semi-bald... that is a MUST.
Panel Interview
1. Sense of humor is a must
Rationale: I am a funny and silly girl; please don’t take away my sunshine. I don’t want to be with someone who thinks of the fluctuation of the exchange rate or the duality of life. I mean, I love talking about serious stuff but not every second of everyday… please. If he’s afraid he’ll look stupid if he acts and jokes silly, chances are, he is.
2. Must speak fluent English
Rationale: My friends are evil. We are mean. Lest you want to be the object of our torrid insults, you must know how to speak English. If you’re not confident with your command of English, tagalugin mo na lang.
Final Interview
1. Putting the smart in casual
Rationale: as long as you don’t wear rubber shoes like there’s no tomorrow, I don’t want my guy overdressed all the time. I’d prefer to look like his girlfriend, not his personal maid. Jeans and shirts (not the im-so-macho-see-my-nipples-freezing shirts) are fine. I think what matters is how he carries himself. I appreciate guys who exude confidence, can carry a conversation, and can smack me bitch up!
So there... those are the partial unofficial requirements for the luckiest guy in the entire planet. If you know anyone, please tell me immediately. I'm running on a tight schedule. lol...
See, ain't that a great fun?
May
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Freedom of expression
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Posted:May 3, 2005 4:30 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2402 Views
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Now read on.
The idea of "dapat na isulat (must need to write)" is irritating to me in the sense that there is no imperative when it comes to writing, except the imperative to exercise one's right to free expression. Writing may conjure up different meanings to people, but that, in itself, is the essence of our freedom.
Whatever crushes individuality is despotism. Whatever destroys expression is censorship. And censorship, my friends, is not just practiced by those in power, but those who are subjected to power. And if there's anything I am against it is the destruction of the rights of the individual to free expression.
When a person chooses his/her avenue to express his/her sentiments or opinions, he/she should not be bound and barred from it by the chains of that which distort meaning: ideology, dogma, propaganda, and all that. Our freedom to say what we want is only limited by the freedom of other people to say what they want, in whatever language or method they so desire, and as long as the free flow of information is not impeded by anything, we can truly say that we are free.
The reason why I can shoot my mouth off here, for whatever reason, regardless of topic or intention, is granted not by style or vocabulary but because this is what freedom is all about. It is at the height of cultural, political and social arrogance to say that there are only a few things in the world worth talking about, and God forbid, writing about. The surest sign of the decay of our individuality and collective consciousness, ladies and gentlemen, is if and when we talk about the same things and express the same opinions. Collective consciousness is destroyed, because consciousness is best manifested by the ability of society to engage in public discourse.
Ang tunay na diwa ng mapagpalayang kaisipan sa malayang pagpapahayag ng opinyon at sentimyento, ito man ay sa sarili o sa lipunan, ay natutupad at naisabubuhay lamang kung ang kalayaang ito ay umuusbong at naisasadiwa.
Hindi kinakaila o kinakalimutan ang layunin na maging mulat sa katotohanan, ngunit hindi sapat ang pagiging mulat. Ang katarata ng distorsyon ay hindi matatanggal hanggat mahahangad natin ang boses ng bawat panig ng lipunan. Kahit ang nang-aapi, kahit ang siyang ating itinuturing na kaaway, ay may masasabi at hindi natin karapatang hadlangin ito. Walang taong nakahahadlang sa ating sinasabi, o sa ating sasabihin, ngunit nasa tao na kung pipiliin niyang makinig o hindi.
Ang kamatayan ng ating ipinaglalaban, at ang kamatayan ng ating lipunan mismo, ay nagsisimula at natatapos sa paghadlang at pagpigil sa karapatan ng kahit isang indibidwal na sabihin ang kanyang naiisip o nararamdaman. Ang pagsisilbi sa lipunan ay nakatuntong at nakatuon sa indibidwal, at hindi sa dikta ng isa o ng nakararami. Na ang hangad upang palayain ang nakalalaking bahagi ng naapi at inaaping lipunan ay nag-uugat sa desisyon ng isang indibidwal na tanungin sa kanyang sarili:
"May gusto ba akong sabihin? May gusto ba akong gawin? May kailangan ba akong sabihin? May kailangan ba akong gawin?"
Walang tama, walang mali. Ngunit ang tunay na esensya ng demokrasya at kalayaan ay umiikot hindi sa mga kasagutan sa mga tanong na ito ngunit sa kasagutan sa tanong na ito:
"Puwede ba tayong mag-usap?"
Ang malayang pag-iisip sa at malayang pagpapahayag ng opinyon at sentimyento ay hindi ang hangganan ng ating pangunahing karapatan. Kung ang pag-iisip at pagpapahayag ay tulad ng alon sa dagat, tulad ng banayad na hangin, na hindi nahahadlang at nakukulong sa konsepto ng "dapat:" ito ang tunay na diwa ng kalayaan.
Magpakalaya.
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How do you say goodbye?
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Posted:May 3, 2005 1:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2213 Views
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Dear Tyler,
It's May 03, and today I am at the point of my life when I finally overcome the hurtful feelings. That time of my life when I have finally put an end to what are the reasons behind my lost soul. I am growing older, but I am still not old enough. Nothing's enough for a 19 year old, and do tell... You've been there before.
I know that what happened between us wasn't supposed to happen. But it did, and unfortunately, we're not really sure whether or not it's right to hold on or let go. Sometimes the temptation to leave you there was there, but I couldn't. I may be angry, to a certain degree, but I can't bring myself to hurt anybody other than myself.
I don't write this as someone who wants to win you back, because heaven help me I want to but now is not the time to target wounds while they're still fresh. I know... for the past three weeks I've been doing exactly that, and I brought myself the kind of pain I shouldn't be enduring for anyone, especially people who hurt me.
What hurts me even more is the fact that you just gone and never even said goodbye in a proper way. You just left without a single word, nor a short explanation of what's going on? what's on your mind? and how do you want "US" to be. But, like the wind that blown my hair and my tears, your'e gone.
You don't know what love is anymore, and you want to be naive from this point forward. I guess you don't know who you are anymore, I guess your'e still wondering and questioning yourself of what do you want to do with your life with a non sense relationship.
Let me remind you of who you are: you are the sweetest, and the best thing ever happened to me. The guy I fell in love with, madly inlove with, if I could choose to go back from the day when we met, I could have done things that won't let you go anywhere other than beside me, with me.... Let me remind you of what love is: love is an experience, it's not definable. And as far as being naive goes, naivete breeds hate. And when people hate, they hurt each other. And when you started to hate, I felt the pain... until I couldn't take it anymore and I just broke down. I couldn't take it anymore, but I held on.
Whatever happened is a thing of the past to me. In a Nietzschean sense, what does not kill you only makes you stronger. But then again, burning questions start to plague me from everywhere: do I deserve you? Can you look into my eyes after what you have done?
Probably, probably not. But could I still love you? That's the funny part: I can, I do, and I have. Love is unconditional. Even when the people around us told me that I was a pathetic idiot for having to remedy a situation I didn't have anything to do with, I was happy being that pathetic idiot. I loved: that's what's important. This is a test of the mettle of a person's character. And I like to think I passed. I didn't pass because of my strength, as you thought, but because I was. Just be, that's all.
The funny thing about love (as if it isn't funny in the first place) is that people hold on to the worst of reasons. Often, the worst of reasons are the best of reasons. I mean, I can only take so much, and I can only do so much, but what if I just did? Any other person would have just let you go. I didn't. I guess what they said says it all... that's love. That's all it is. No definition necessary.
My only wish for you is to be happy. Don't let other things wreck your life. Just remember that when it seems that nobody's there for you, I'm walking after you. I'm just behind you.
May
PS: Neverland never closes.
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Never Enough
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Posted:May 2, 2005 2:50 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1679 Views
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one day, the world will stop turning.
one day, everyone will stop trying.
one day, the world will realize their greed for want ing too much, for killing themselves and others just to try to get it.
one day people will wake up and realize that all this toiling, all this striving for a more expensive car, a bigger house, hectares and hectares of property, millions of money in differnet currencies, is all useless.
one day, they will be tired ofworking so hard.
on that day, they will realize that all the other free gifts given them which they took for granted were actually the real treasures they should have treasured.
too bad that day wouldn't be anytime soon.
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Chasing Rainbows
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Posted:May 2, 2005 1:09 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2082 Views
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< i was supposed to do this a bit earlier anyway >
Ever tried to chase a rainbow? Have you ever found yourself under one? Or have you just given up on it, and contented yourself with just watching it appear for a few seconds, maybe a full minute, and watch it disappear?
In terms of love and all of its apparent discontents, I can never seem to express myself adequately. Not because I'm scared to, or because I refuse to try, but because I can't. People always seem to talk about getting wounded beyond their limits, about experiences that seem to test their mettle, but I wouldn't stoop as low as to give a reason like that. Maybe it's because I couldn't bear to breathe the scent of a thousand Cupids fluttering about in a sea of love, or maybe because I've just been sapped to the bones and I am incapable of loving somebody ever again.
Truth is, I just couldn't bear saying "arrivederci."
To say goodbye is real easy, especially when you couple it with a few choice four-letter invectives and a jerk of the middle finger. True, to say a few sarcastic goodbye's while burying your boot deep in one's behind is easier than, say, 1+1, but a sincere, heartfelt goodbye is very, very difficult. Considering the silence that has been echoing through the abyss, still haunting you with that loud symphony of nothing.
So here I am, content with just watching rainbows form over the horizon. No drama, no comedy, no action, no nothing. Not a word spoken. Not a single text message, Friendster message, or even the slightest e-mail message. Not the simplest visage of a rainbow after all this rain had ended...
The storm clouds still brew on over the horizon. I'm ready for the rain... if that's what it takes to chase a rainbow.
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Sinking
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Posted:May 1, 2005 4:38 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1388 Views
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deeper and deeper and deeper.
the void in me is devouring all traces of happiness. everyday is an effort to try to look and feel alright. try. effort.
why do you have to tell me things like those? like you don't know it's gonna hurt. the green-eyed monster is all over me. W H Y ? ? ? ? ?
i don't want to hurt anymore. no, don't ask me why i'm hurting in the first place. don't ask. don't say a word. just let me be. let me sink further deep into the dank and gloomy catacomb of my solitude.
damn. take all these emotions. take them all away. i don't want to feel anything anymore.
tomorrow...everything will be different. there will be nothing. nothing in me.
no more. -May
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Have you ever been in love?
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Posted:May 1, 2005 4:15 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1383 Views
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Have you ever been in love?
Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.
Especially not love
"I hate love."
no.. no... I don't...
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