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| Blogs > drunken_angel > More than what you know... |
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Knock knock... who's there? < I cleaned my room today. > As in seriously searched for all the dead cockroaches hiding beneath my bed, my cabinets, and shoe racks- I found a lot. I also scrubbed the floors of my room and the bathroom that has long been waiting for my all-too-lazy ass to get down on it. I put on fresh bed and pillow covers, piled my dirt free and dirty clothes onto each proper place, and arranged all abubots in a spick-and-span, -of-a-gun kind of way. It was nice to look at afterwards. Like how I want to see things now. Clear- Spotless- Positive. At 20, i want to trust that there's still hope for me to be able to open my eyes again to the constructive things around me- like recognizing the fine things, and stop thinking about the awful. A girl friend told me in a conversation over chicken wings and two cups of rice last night that she's having problems with a present "special someone". And yet, after all the whining and the "He confuses me" admission, she slipped in saying. "And i even bought him socks when i went to the mall yesterday. I went to buy my own stuff, and when i saw that corporate pair or feet covers, i thought of him, so i bought it.." She looks away, and continues: "I don't care if i see him again, or if i would be able to give him those socks, i don't think he wants to see me again after i told him i don't want a non-committal relationship. I have become too jaded; i don't believe anything he says anymore." When i asked how long they've been seeing each other, she said: "A month." Whew. A month. I know that im not the better judge of that, even though i had the same encounter with men, but i don't want to be all too cynical to not believe anymore. I want to still be wooed, to be given flowers and chocolates and be told "iloveyou". I acknowledge the must in me for mollycoddling every one in a while, and i know I could still let down all my defenses and be able to kiss back with eyes closed. I don't want to doubt. I don't think negativity will bring me someplace. I can't help but be all too cynical at times, though. Particularly when right in front of me is an Atomic asshole i can't help but clash off. I suppose maybe I’m just meeting the wrong men. Perhaps one gentleman will come and will erase all the pessimistic vibrations i have in psyche. I thought i have found him before, but still, i guess the revolution of ins and outs comes in unexpectedly. And if i won't safeguard my feelings and guts from undying preys in this lifetime, i know I would have to be wounded again. And again, the cynic in me will kick in. Of course i miss holding hands with somebody. To be kissed once in a while- especially if there's butterfly flying around that’s all too giddy about doing summersaults. I remember just watching the face of this person i used to really care about, and it was a warm feeling- i remember i was pleased. That i was content. It was an experience i would gladly go through again given the chance. I once saw a movie about erasing recollections- "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", and I found it rather too ruthless. You see, my daily life is not new to you, or to the others who read this, and you have witnessed how i go from happy to sad in 5minute’s time, but i don't regret everything i went through. I have been smitten to the point of actually hurting myself, but that's a lesson i keep up until now. I welcome my weaknesses as a human being. I don't overlook things i ought to learn by heart. The good memoirs will forever be in my heart- and it will make me smile when i remember it, and the bad moments will provide an example i would forever be grateful to have experienced. I cannot think of one tainted history i would want to not consider, but it doesn't imply that I never had any. Of course we all have dark secrets. Things we want to stay hidden, and will remain in the dark until we come to a point when we have to reclaim our spotless memory and get rid of all the ghosts that haunt us at night. I have a great deal of that- Ghosts that haunts. Now and again i dream of them at night, and i wish they'd have a vision of me too- only to make them grasp that once in their lives, i was a fraction of it. I never forget anyone i was friends with, specially the ones i truly loved. I could say that i pretty much deploy all burdens of anger and pain in my writings, but in reality, I mainly think of the good times and that erases all evil thoughts. I meet new people every now and then, some i fail to remember so easily, the others i can't even memorize their names. But i know that when the must for me to look back and recall my days, I will be will be able to put things collectively as clearly as how i have experienced having them in one way or the other. Pause .. back to reality I readied my cleats too. I rinsed it, together with onslaughting my room. And despite the fact that I won't be able to get all the dirty parts unsoiled, i would like to give myself A- for effort, because as much as I recognize that in time, it will again be full of mud, and that my room will again be dirty and my mind will once more be full of jaded thoughts, Still, now I am happy to disregard bits and pieces of debris in my room. - However not in my memory, For nothing is as squeaky clean as when I remember. 
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7/17/2005 8:56 am |
Just rememeber you are still but a child in a womans body. Time will bring the maturity that you are seeking. Your are beautiful, strong and sexy. If you apply yourself one day you will have a housekeeper, who can do all of your cleaning. I have one and its great, comeing home from the office to a clean house and dinner cooked, and none of the aggrivation of a wife. 
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jingboy.. nagrereklamo ka ba?
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May Musta ka na? Puro linis sa bahay ah! How about the boys, sino mga nilinisan mo? JOke lang! [lol] Jozel
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jingboy.. sorry mahaba talaga ako gumawa ng entry eh
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Jozel... wala wala akong lalake ngayon... ayaw na nila sa'kin..
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then you should learn how to read longer entry..
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