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| Blogs > drunken_angel > More than what you know... |
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Love not for me to have, not for me to hold... happy birthday to me.. not yet.. I am still the counting the days... hhmm... 2 more days to go... almost one week before my birthday and my life is going down the drain. I'm mentally incapacitated, physically unwell and worst of all, emotionally impaired. A year ago, I'm feeling almost the same way, except the for the latter. Last year, in spite of all the harassments of my daily existence, I "had" the love of my life with me to share these problems with. But now, I'm alone and feeling miserable. This is the loneliest birthday I will ever have. I'm so broken inside and no one but me knows about it. I am such a great actress that even my closest friends have no idea how pathetic my life is. Outside, I always have that smile on my face, showing everyone that I can take the situation with ease. I have fooled everyone, everyone except myself. Almost 6 months since he left me, and i'm still counting. I don't exactly know how the relationship fell apart. All I know is that when it did, it brought my whole world along with it. Our story is that of the other typical love stories. We were just a total stranger. And then.. I don't really know what comes next. At first, I had apprehensions about falling in love with him. He was a stranger. That's all he was to me. I was so in love with him that I was willing to experience all the pain he caused me. But things got out of hand and I realized that no matter how much love I have for him, I have to save some for myself. I had to let him go. I Hope that he was able to figure things out, to find out if he loves me as much as he claimed. I dont want him to feel that I'm making his world smaller. I'm dont want to barricade his happiness so I told him that neverland never closes, I really wished he had enough strength to fight for me. but he never did. But the fact that he fell out of love for me was not the main reason for my depression. That would kill me forever.. I still love him. And during times when I feel empty and broken, I would always wonder if I just stretched my patience a little longer, would things work out? but then I would realize that I can't fight this battle alone. I can tell that he's over me. He is living the life he is so used to spending. going out with his friends ( I guess), having drinking sessions every week and sleeping over some friend's place ( I guess ). As for me, I'm still here, picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I can say that everything that happened was for the best. Some things are just not meant to be. This pain is killing me, but if this is the price I have to pay for all the lessons this love has taught me, then I'll welcome it with open arms. At least when I finally find the ONE, things will be a whole lot better. But until that time comes, I'll put on my mask, post my everything-is-all-right smile, cry my heart out and watch the world pass by. Advance happy birthday to me... ( I wish ) 
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6/22/2005 5:37 am |
everything that happened to us has a purpose, we might not know it now but someday the answer why it all happened will come to us, only then we will understand it is for the best... i wish u hapiness on your birthday...**smile**
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6/22/2005 8:24 am |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAY! WE LOVE YOU FROM YOUR EY FAMILY. TAKE GOOD CARE ALWAYS.
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6/22/2005 8:26 am |
You're still young, May. There's a lot of opportunity and good life ahead of you so better start moving on. Treat the past and your failed relationship as your teacher so you can become a more integrated person in the future. Good luck to you and hang in there always.
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6/22/2005 8:47 am |
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Crazy Jersey... I know how it feels.. I suggest we should do our prayers together.... to be able to move on...
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Blast - Thank you... thank you thank you.. it is such a wonderful feeling to have knowing that I have you guys.... pls always stand by me...
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Sallie and To the rest of EY Members- SALAMAT PO SA PAGMAMAHAL.. AT ATENSYON.... MAHAL KO KAYO... corny talaga pag tagalog... ehehee....
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Mike-- Kaw talaga tito mIke... di u na me nakalumitan, hugs... kisses...
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