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| Blogs > drunken_angel > More than what you know... |
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Cleaning out my closet I'm crying again. After several months of trying to purge sad feelings, I am finally letting genuine tears flow. As I've said, Sugarfree songs have a way of evoking hidden feelings. As I listened to their song, Kwarto( Room) , I had this sudden urge to open my hidden folder which has all our emails to each other. And like opening the Pandora's box, memories crept their way back in. "Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto Na punong puno ng galit at damit Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban..." I just had to get it out of my system. I wanted to know if the feeling I had for him was real. This exercise let me clean out my closet, face my ghosts and say goodbye to the past. I never hated him, even if I wanted to. He has this strange way of dissolving any hatred and angst I have. In fact, i love so many things about him. "...Mga liham ng linihim kong pag ibig At litrato ng kahapong maligalig Dahan dahan kong inipon Ngunit ngayon kailangan nang itapon..." Two days ago, I took out a box of memories hidden under my dresser. I read some of the letters from high school friends. I also came across with letters and pictures. When things were not complicated between the two of us, we used to send each other emails. We asked and discussed OUR so-called love life . I still keep all of those emails. I guess i really wanted to hang on to those things...to serve as a proof that "we" existed... that once upon a time, we were genuinely in love... "May jacket mong nabubulok sa sulok Inaalikabok na sa lungkot May panyong ilang ulit nang niluhaan Isang patak sa bawat beses natayo'y nasaktan..." "Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon…" well now that I am completely devoid of any romantic feelings for him, I decided that in order for me to fully move on, I have to leave some things behind. The boat is moving slower with all the excess baggages I have. I tried to reflect on my life and I came up with a decision: To throw him out to the river... to delete all his emails, burn all his pictures, erase all memories of him... "Alaala ng lumuluhang kahapon Dahan dahan ko na ring kinakahon Natagpuan ko na ang tunay na ligaya Lumabas ako ng kwarto't naron sya..." I want to fall in love again. To test the waters and finally swim to the surface of this pool of tears I made out of all the reminiscing. I know I can do it... But I told myself I have to do it right. I will face my future without my past following me. I had to do this... Pause. i stared at the question in front of me.. are you sure you want to empty the folder? Empty Dont Empty I trembled. This is it. I have already proven to myself that, Yes, It was real. We fell in love and it's over. "Magpapaalam na sa yo ang aking kwarto..." I stopped crying, just about the same time the song Kwarto by Sugarfree stopped playing in my player. I guess, it just got tired of playing the song over and over again. God was sending me a signal here... leave him behind, erase all memories of him. Make a fresh start, You deserve it. Cancel ... I can't do it. I just can't... in a few years time, i would forget his face, his name, his words... and these are the only things that will remind me that once, I was happy. Never mind if I cry some times upon reading his emails or when his memories resurface.They were good ones, real ones. Part of my eternal sunshine belongs to him. the mind may forget but the heart never does. He belongs in my long term memory... and i will never try to place him anywhere else. I will fall in love again, but the feeling and lessons he imparted will always stay, as they all should be. ( the player started playing again... and this time, its playing a different tune. Martir, still by Sugarfree) Kailan ka ba Muling darating Malapit na namang magtakipsilim At kahit na ilang ulit mo akong saktan Basta't sa susunod di mo na ako iiwan ... blank thoughts... 
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6/21/2005 1:39 pm |
Touchy topic of love being forsaken but life has to move on and so you are. In love ka na naman ba? lol
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ang kulit mo talaga...
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wow?
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