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Dearest My ex Puertorican Guy... Longest blog entry Reading time : 2hours Dearest Luciano Castro Jr., Sometimes I'm halfway through a cup of coffee and I realize that my life is sad and empty. Sometimes the thought of tomorrow just isn't enough to get me through today. Sorry, baby, it turns out you weren't what I was looking for after all. Maybe even if ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it on the table in front of you, maybe if was just beating there, just bleeding there, maybe then we'd be okay. But there's too much ridiculous space between us and I'm too tied up in my own tiny fears and tiny loves, and you're too busy with your enormous dreams and enormous thoughts, and I keep missing you, we keep staring at each other, But that was just it, nothing more. Nothing even single word spoken. So maybe you have the answers to all my questions, and maybe only if you will hold my hand I don't feel like dying so much, and maybe when I throw myself out of a window, you can show me how to fly away, float on, forever and ever, never touch the ground again. But I can not stop screaming when I am near you. I can not stop wanting to drag you outside, under the rain, and hold you there until we are both so cold and wet and miserable that we make sense. So I am going to sit under the stairs in a pink dress and build a castle out of spider webs, sweetie. I'm going to paint the walls turquoise and carve your name in the floor a million times. These tears are not for you, baby. My sadness has nothing to do with you. All I want to do is curl up next you with some apple cider and a down blanket while you read poems by Rilke aloud and run your fingers through my hair. I keep inventing you in places you don't exist. I keep looking for you in places you'll never be. ( Why didn't you ever love me enough? Or did you ever feel like you love me? Why wasn't I enough to make you stay? To make you mine? ) I keep getting close to people because they remind me of you, then pushing them away when I realize they're so far from the person I (still) love. I'm tired of people holding my hands with their warm clammy eager nervous fingers. I need your still, confident hands wrapped around mine, securing my place in this world, holding me where I need to be. My world lacks its heaviness without you, I just drift and float away. ( I do not want to need you anymore. ) In a few minutes, I am going to walk into the living room. You are going to be sitting on the couch. You will look up when I enter the room, you will smile and put your book down. I will sit next to you and you will put your arm around my shoulder and I will lean into you and you will kiss my forehead. I will take your other hand in mine and trace circles on your palm with my fingers. I've been so lonely, I will say. What's so terrible about being lonely? you will ask. I will have no answer to this question. I know you think we needed to grow without each other. I know you think I'd end up better without you. But I don't think you realize how even when you're not here, you're here. How every single empty moment is filled with this tiny unbearable longing. How I can never wholly be with another person because another person will never wholly be you. In my dreams, I have only ever loved you. I want you to be happy. I want you to have no regrets . I do not want to keep you awake at night, to haunt your dreams, to follow you throughout the day as some dark unforgiving shadow. Please never miss me. Please, never sit in front of the computer to wether you will send me a message and tell me to make love to you, just let it go. Please do not spend your life thinking I was the one person who understood you, who knew you. I could not bear to be as strong of a presence in your life as you are in mine. That would mean that this is so wrong, so stupid. A mistake. That would mean I should I have shown up on your doorstep a million years ago and pressed my hand against your chest to feel your heartbeat ... pressed my lips against your neck to taste your skin ... I'm obviously not afraid to tell you that I love you. I have no problem letting you know that you're the only person who can break my heart. If you came to visit I wouldn't be worried that the house was messy and I hadn't shaved my legs. If I wake up in the morning with makeup smeared over my face and ratty hair and a killer hangover, if I drop a glass vase full of dead flowers on my foot, if a really fucking beautiful sunset makes me feel like dying, it's okay if you're there, it's okay if you see, because you're allowed to see me messy, you're allowed to know that. I don't care that you know how I wander around cemeteries trying to reconcile myself to the thought of death, or how I cry in the shower until the water runs cold, or how I go to Walmart in the middle of the night to find a cd that will put me to sleep. I don't mind giving you all of my secrets. I don't mind emptying my purse out in front of you. And it's not that you're great, it's certainly not that you deserve this. It's not even because I love you. Maybe because I always think you’re my destiny… And I'd like to say that I did something for you too... that maybe I answered your questions? Maybe I forgave you every time you broke my heart. I know it's stupid to be obsessing over you right now, or ever. I know it's stupid to imagine that you're the answer to all my problems. I know that my memories of you are so much sweeter than the real thing, that you only disappoint me, that you have only ever let me down. I know that even you would fuck up my silkscreened shirts. I miss you. Please just leave me alone. But I've sat around waiting for you before and I don't want to do it anymore. I still love you, but you are wasting my time, I think. You probably imagine that I'll always be here, that you can come back anytime and I will softly smile and touch your arm and forget all the time that has passed. You're probably right, but that pisses me off, because there has to be somewhere else for me. But how can I leave you forever without saying goodbye? And how can I say goodbye without chasing you down? And if I chase you down ... if I chase you down, you will think you have won. next time I will say goodbye. I will walk away. I will forget you. But until then, I'm sitting on the porch baby. I'm drinking a cup of coffee and I realize until then, baby, I'm yours. I wake up every morning thinking I won't be able to make it through the day, but somehow I do. And this is what is going to happen every single day until my world turns to dust. My life is nothing but impossible days. They say life has meaning, I say okay. But still, I'm no closer to the truth. They say to make my own meaning, I say sure. But still, but still. Where do I go from here. I wanted you to know that I'm still here, still in the same spot you last saw me. I wanted you to know nothing has changed, nothing can change. You never said goodbye and I never told you I cared. So maybe we're even. So maybe I should just let it go, let you go. But you're that sweet dim memory that makes me smile in my sleep, you're that silent ghost who holds my hand at night, you're that quiet song in the background that makes the colors more vivid in my dreams. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to keep on loving you, because I need to. (The air is so thin up here. The air is so empty.) (I know I would have loved you if I had ever learned how to talk to you, but I forgot your name the second I turned around and now neither of us will ever care.) ( do you cry yourself to sleep at night too ? ) Today was wobbly, uncertain. Things fluctuating in and out, up and down, nothing staying still for even a minute, even a second. I was standing barefoot on the beach while rain poured down, soaked through my clothes, clung to my eyelashes. I was waiting for the moment when you stop meaning anything to me anymore. I was waiting for a time when everything that happens to me is not colored by your absense. When I got home, a million decisions were made: 1) I will not love you anymore 1) I will not love you anymore 1) I will not love you anymore Love, May 
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 No words suffice in such moments,except to say hang in there Mayn-illa(Sister of Godz-illa sometimes...heh). This outlet shows you have great depth of character-caring,intelligent,searching.... I wish you the best in any direction you take.
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well, I really wish it is easy to take away the pain just like when you blow the dust and it will just go away and leave no trace after the rain... and how sweet of you to care with what I feel.. it is such a pain that I sure can endure someday..but not today and not tomorrow for sure... in time.. thanks sis..
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buddy anong sweet? masakit kamo..
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No words suffice in such moments,except to say hang in there Mayn-illa(Sister of Godz-illa sometimes...heh). This outlet shows you have great depth of character-caring,intelligent,searching.... I wish you the best in any direction you take.
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 Yeah i know what you mean May. I wish I had that offer at times. Damn hurts and feels like you have no mouth but want to scream!
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Well, Marcos I didn't know. But one thing is for sure. Pain teaches us how to be strong. as well as pain gives us strenght to move on.. No matter what we have become let us enjoy every single of our breath...mwah mwah dear...
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hey you Flip my man.. you always make me smile eh.. that's what I like about you.. keep on lifting me up my friend.. I'll let you know once I cannot hold on anymore.. sure, youll be there to catch di ba?
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nah Phil.. I am screaming..with loud voice.. can you hear you me? ahaiaiaiaia
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Hmmm sorry I thought I heard a meow somewhere? 
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ahahahahahahhaa.. ya Phil so mean.. heh 
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Heeeheee tough luck!
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Heh I was kidding,^_*,sorry can't be mean to you. Hugzzzzzzzzzzzzz Hope you are alright. Okey ka ba?
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^ yes I am.. with some special people who are always there for me, just like you..then nothing I could else ask for...mwah Phil my sweet angel...
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 Oh Angel now,I have been promoted heh Wow.........,nah I am still a Bad Bad Boy..*_*
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Congratulations then Phil sweetheart, now you should treat me..for a dinner?
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\ / Dance perhaps also...,but it is breakfast hmmm that worries me ) Hiihii.
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^breakfast????????? oi.. im up for breakfast totoy..cge na.. you drop by and treat me for a nice breakfast treat... ok.?
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 Heh heh,but will I be let out or do I need rescuing after an hour???
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1/19/2006 1:36 am |
May dear, My gosh! I can't help myself crying when i read this. It is so painful!!!! I can feel every word of yours touching my very nerve!!!! Ang hirap magmahal ano!!!! Mahirap ipaliwanag!!! So many questions but left unanswered!!!!! But looking it on a lighter side,,,, HAY NAKO MAG APPLY KA NA LANG DAY SA MGA NAGAWA NG TELE NOVELA AT MGA LOVE STORIES. O KAYA MAGING WRITER SA MAGPAKAILANMAN O MAALA ALA MO KAYA!!!!!!! GALING MONG MAGPAIYAK NG VIEWERS, FRIEND!!!!! BUT KIDDING ASIDE, ALAM KO KAYA MO YAN MAY!!!! TIME HEALS!!!!! JUST WAIT!!! YOU'LL SEE THAT SOMEDAY, YOU'LL JUST LAUGH AT IT!!! JUST WAIT!!!!! MWUAAAAHHHHHH TO YOU!!!!!! YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT AND ADORATION!!!!!! HATS OFF TO YOU MY FRIEND!!!!
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1/22/2006 3:28 pm |
Hi, May! So, this is the Puertorican guy pala ha! I love his arms! lol. It's ok to cry, scream, pull your hair off, rant, go out in the rain, go to cemeteries (?) but hopefully after that you'll get to smile, laugh, paint again, sing a song, dance like there's no tomorrow coz girl, you DESERVE it!!! Kisses to you, sis. (^_^) Rean
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