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Joys Of Marriage 6/12/2007
Marriage Part Two
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of there
40th wedding anniversary..
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone, that
reads " Here Lies My Wife Cold As Ever, "
Yeah! she replies.." When you die, I am getting you
a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband-- Stiff At Last!"
(HE ASKED FOR IT)
1 Comments, 91 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Joys Of Marriage 6/12/2007
Marriage Part One
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady..
And after the wedding, the macho man laid down the following
rules. He told his wife:
I'll be home when I want, if I want and what time I want..and
I don't expect any hassle from you... I expect a great
dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't
be home for dinner.... I will go hunting, ...
1 Comments, 57 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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JOKE........ 5/30/2007
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criterion was which defined whether
or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well, " said the Director, "we fill
up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket
to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand, " said the visitor. "A
normal person would use the bucket because ...
1 Comments, 29 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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You Gotta Love This Lady! 5/30/2007
You gotta love this lady Written by a housewife from New Jersey and sounds like it!
"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we?
Was it or was it
not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores
on
September 11, 2001 ? Were people from all over the world,
mostly
Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown
Manhattan, ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Broke Back Deer Camp 5/29/2007
Hahaha ......
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The
first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The ...
1 Comments, 26 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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Genie 5/29/2007
husband takes his wife to play her first game of > golf. > > The wife promptly hacked her first shot right > through the window of the biggest house adjacent to
the course. > > The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
> Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, > apologies, And see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost > us." > > So the couple walked up to the house and knocked ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Never Tick off a Nurse 5/29/2007
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted
to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him,
but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room
and announced, "I have to take your ...
3 Comments, 70 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Cut,,,Cut... 5/28/2007
"Doc, " says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about
for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?"
asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation
and once it's done, there's no going back. It will
change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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BILL 5/28/2007
It was opening night at the Orpheum Theater and Amazin'
Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do her stuff.
As Amazin' Eileen took to the stage, she announced,
''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two
or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''
The ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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This Will Make You Cry... 5/28/2007
This Will Make You Cry...
Jenny was so happy about the house they had found.
For once in her life it was on the right side of town.
She unpacked her things with such great ease.
At she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze.
How wonderful it was to have her own room.
School would be starting; she'd have friends over
soon. ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Technically Correct 5/28/2007
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
Malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and Communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine
the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building,
flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE
AM I?" in large letters. People in the ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Mid Life Crisis... 5/25/2007
After I'd been married 50 years, I took a look at my wife
one day and said "Honey, 50 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white
TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year old brunette.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen
TV, but I'm sleeping with a 70 year old grandma. It seems
to me that you ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Screen Cleaner 5/17/2007
OPEN WITH CARE.....
This is the newer and up graded version
You probably don't realize it, but your computer's
Screen must be cleaned each day. The cleaning should be
on the inside of the glass as well as the outside. This is
difficult to do. So I am sending a cleaning device Which
should do the trick. Move the mouse around the Screen to
clean. Let me know how ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Professionals??? 5/17/2007
A father walks into a bookstore with his young . The boy
is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue
in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee. At ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Jokes Of Mr. Bean 5/17/2007
1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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A Woman of Strength 5/17/2007
A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape
...
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul
in shape...
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything ...
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her
fear...
A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her ...
but a woman of strength gives the ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Somalian Immigrant 5/12/2007
A somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to
the United States..
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street
and says..
" Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, ,
giving me housing, ,, food stamps, free medical care
and free education", ,
But the passer by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican
!"..
The Somalian goes on ...
1 Comments, 52 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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MEMORIES 4/25/2007
U CAN NEVER REGAIN SOMETHING U LEFT IN THE PAST.. CHANGE
UR FOCUS 2 THE PRESENT INSTEAD OF CLINGING OF 2 SOME MEMORY
OF WHAT U ONCE HAD.. MEMORIES ARE NICE, BUT THATS ALL THEY
ARE.... ...
3 Comments, 55 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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School Answering Machine 4/21/2007
I don't know if this is true or not but
it's cute. Although funny, it might not be able to pass
"muster" in today's political correct
environment. But the last one is one that I wish every business
in AMERICA would do.
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder
some people were offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Why I Text You? 4/20/2007
Five person's why I text you, you make me feel welcome
(I assume) I make you smile ( I suppose) You appreciate my
thoughts (I happy) you spend time reading my messages (I
guess) you think I'm cute (I'm sure).
0 Comments, 11 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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One Flaw In Women 4/18/2007
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to ...
0 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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GREAT WATCH 4/18/2007
For lovers of the latest Gizmos....
There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases
in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him
what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two
heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no
ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative
assistant's face appears. He asks her, "Mary, what time is ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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A Fishy Tale 4/18/2007
The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for
decades. So to feed the Japanese population, Fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever.
The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring
in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days,
the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste
.
...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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The Frugal Husband 4/12/2007
A penny-pinching husband regularly imposes his budgetary
goals with his wife. It seems that it may, he could never
be satisfied. One day on the way home from work, the wife
decided not to take the bus so she can impress her hubby by
saving a few bucks. She even chased the bus so she can prove
that it would take the same time and distance to get home.
Surely enough, as soon she arrived at their ...
2 Comments, 70 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Be Carefull What You Wish For (Including What Others May) 4/9/2007
Three men were stranded on an island. While the other two
men seemed responsible family men, the other was just enjoying
the company of his new friends. The first two men were beginning
to get tiref of the other, cognizant he is just plain stupid.
One day, one of them stumbled upon Aladdin's magic
lamp. So they rubbed it and the gennie appeared. POOF! Each
of them were granted a wish. The ...
2 Comments, 54 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY 4/8/2007
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
"Your is here, " she said to the old man.
She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's
eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack,
he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached outhis
hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around
the ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Old Age Problems 4/8/2007
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from
the couch; then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where
are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor. "She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself
to get out of her rocker and ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Inner strenght!!! 4/8/2007
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for
it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give
you time,
If you can overlook when ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Eight Words... 4/8/2007
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally
to another. Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner. Male... Leaving a note ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Lady and Frog. 4/5/2007
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed
a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went.
She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch
her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the
jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
0 Comments, 18 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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