STRANGER TO ONE'S OWN HOME
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Posted:Apr 25, 2009 2:21 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2009 11:34 pm 11405 Views
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How do you define HOME?
A question asked to me by my friend while we were talking on the phone. We have been friends since the time we started playing with marbles and rubberbonds in our remote "barrio" in Sultan Kudarat. He was 5 years my senior he eventually left and moved to Manila to pursue his degree in architecture which made him successful in the gulf and china areas later. Our lives have been colored with various hues and we have been into series of loopholes and ups and downs yet our friendship remains as it is even in the absence of physical presence.We used to share the same definition that the remote barrio where we from is the place we call our HOME. Before, I cant understood his strange feelings everytime he go back to our place. He felt that he did not belong to our place anymore. His rationalization was always summed up to the point that the empty structure of his parents' house was not really a big reason to look into in order say that he got a home where he belongs. I used to say that "he is just turning nuts".
Eventually, it was my time to leave and continue my pursuit in other cities in the Phil. and sometimes if was lucky, an opportunity to spend a year or two in other asian countries.I am so engrossed with my explorations that coming back to the place where I am from become very occassional and very short. I lost connection with my neighborhood and did not even have the luxury of time to say hello to the people I grew with.I was disconnected to the physical environment of the place.
My definition of home becomes very limited to the four corners of my parents' property.I experienced that I am lost when I went out in the familiar street where I used to play hide and seek with other .People I met looked at me with a strange reaction and an enigmatic expression that seem to question my identity.I still wear my wide smile of welcome but several had responded with hesitant smile and a scrutinizing eye trying to recall me.Whew!!!
I have also the same dilemma. I cant recognize the people anymore. People I knew had died and some I cant remember their names. Majority, turned strangers to me, same as I am with them too. The church where the sense of community was defined concretely to me before turned to be a church of questioning community. I am glad if I walk with my mom, because these shy people will have the courage to ask my mom about her companion.From that simple link I can assimilate like a real local. The population have been increasing too. Mostly of the people are new settlers from the nearby provinces who came down because of an opportunity to work in the vast agricultural field of palm oil plantation.
It was almost 15 years since I left that peaceful and silent barrio in Sultan Kudarat. Fifteen long years is enough for at least two generations to forget me and fifteen long years enough for me to reintroduce myself everytime I go back. However, those years that I still count until now have never changed my feelings for that remote barrio as my HOME.
Wherever I go, I still call it my home. I got all the reasons to claim it because in that place the foundation of who I am now had been built, solidified and nurtured. I owe myself to the nice and beautiful people who had taught me the spirit of community, hard work, peace and love. I dont care if i will always start introducing myself to the people I will be meeting because I knew that I am going home not to the empty structure but to the place where sweet, shy and smiling community awaits me.I have my different views of home compared to my friend and it is because I am always assured of the warmth and comfort of love I am receiving from my family. No one questions whether I come home as failure, broke or successful. I am always asked whether I am fine or do I need more time to rest. Things that makes a great difference in my views. I am extremely glad.
Home is defined in a dictionary but deep in our hearts we have our own definition of home. It is where we always find and feel love among the simple and genuine people.
I understood my friend's predicament and I hope he will find a place that he can call a HOME soon.
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THE STRONG AND MIGHTY "CHEESE PUTO"
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Posted:Apr 16, 2009 6:42 am
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2009 2:24 pm 12092 Views
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One of the best ways to get into ones culture is being acquainted with foods and delicasies.This is extremely true based on the accounts that I have experienced in my sojourn.Everywhere I go, an ordinary getting-to-know occassion will usually intensified if it will be transported into some regular banquet of experts and budding chefs.In my case, this is where my community is formed, my relationship with my friends evolves and sometimes opportunities are ulfolded. In some occassions, this contributes to the cellulites gained and also an avenue to learn more things in my own culture.
I am the only Filipina working in my circle. My uniqueness aroused the interests of my working community and the members were so eager to know more about my being Filipina and my country-Philippines. They started to scrutinize my issues by prompting me to share of my "authentic" Filipino delicacies in our regular monthly pot luck.My culinary creativity (hahahaha) had driven me to share our strongest "cheese puto and adobo". (Whew!!!!).
I endured the burns of steaming those miniature cupcake look alike and with all pride shared on the table of feast (hahahahaha) ....To cut it short, my adobo and puto earned lots of compliments and I boasted myself for earning another trying hard chef laurel on my head ...I was so modest to share my humble recipes and I felt like an instant celebrity while scribbling the draft of recipe in any writing materials I got...(hahahaha).
However, the glamour and prestige of PUTO was cut short when everybody was stunned with mouth wide open as an expression of " are you kidding us!!!" was uttered after hearing the name of that desirous PUTO....Its a big deal for the Hispanic community!!! My amazement was cleared when they told me that PUTO is simply known as MALE ...I was enlightened and I was brought back to my Filipino slang "P_TA" for female prosti.It was extremely funny. Everybody was laughing and the prestige of puto went on and on.It continues to soar until now and as a result, it is the main request in every table gathering we have.
Upon knowing PUTO'S name, laughter will always explode in the air but everybody will always end up resigning to the fact that it really tastes good.The recipe is continuosly shared together with laughters taht pave the way to a closer human relationship.
Food is indeed the best way to everybody's heart.
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BEAUTY IS ALWAYS FREE
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Posted:Apr 15, 2009 6:24 am
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2009 6:06 am 11351 Views
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Getting up early brings back lots of good benefits. It keeps me maintain my composure and organization as I start the marathon of activities listed in my planner. Its great!!!
Unluckily, circumstances may play some tricks to keep the fulcrum in equilibrium. Benefits are surely abundant and so are disgraces. Jammed printer, blocked phone and puffed glue on the couch are some of the mishaps that almost turned me nuts as early as 3:00 am. Grrrrrrrrr .
Composed, composed, composed..... Face the mirror, smile a bit and wink my eyes. I look better. Stride to the computer room, deal with the printer later, console myself of a greater savings for not using my phone and do the glue first....Without me knowing it, am fine.
I entered my classroom with the using big smile plastered on my lips and a lively greetings of good morning to my beloved middle schoolers.
I succeeded....cause once again they affirmed my feelings that I AM MORE BEAUTIFUL TODAY....
Everyday is indeed full of blessings if you know how to recognize them.
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I Traveled, I Dared,I Found and I will Stay
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Posted:Apr 14, 2009 6:26 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2009 4:23 am 11511 Views
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Its been sometimes since I posted my last poem here in my blog. I can't simply use my busy schedule as an excuse because that is something given in this fast phased life here in land of milk and honey. More so, I can say that I can not find enough inspiration to keep my creative thinking to work. I have been through series of stints and blows here near the border. Most of the time I stayed as a silent observer of the challenging events that unfold everyday.
I can likely claim that I am now accustomed to the way of life in my location. I can perectly blend myself to the local culture with ease and confidence and I enjoy the most of what I got daily.
My journey that led me here have been showing to me my other self which I have been stranged for the past 31 years of my life. I experienced feeling the pangs of pain due to the trned of termination that affect my classroom partner month ago and I discovered how sensitive I am in keeping the person I begun to consider as my dad and co worker. Am not certain for sure if my sentimentality is caused by the fact that I am far from my family...(guess not).
I was so certain before I left Phil about the concern of my heart. Eventually, I discovered that becoming invisible to my partner's sight will just led me to become invisible to his heart too. Thanks to this event because I am able to decipher that I can not continue to live in a make believe love affair made from bed of roses..(its purely an illusion).Anyway, thats the price paid for making a daring decision.
The great alleluiah that I am experiencing now is that, love may just come unexpectedly and it may start from a very casual joke shared in the moment of friendship. Its funny because when the joke turned into a sense of reality, I started to blush like a 13-year-old "virgin" (hahaha).I started to run out of words and I feel so fragile. I lost answers to my questions and my mind refuse to rationalize the reasons behind.I added in my vocabulary the term letting go and so be it.
I resigned to the truth that I cant find any answers to my questions because I decided to use my heart when I let myself be drawn to this condition. I shared the same feelings with my special friend and we now both believe now that the two independent, smart and single adults end up dumb and ignorant in explaining the language of the heart.
Things will just happened without much expectations. I enjoy the unfolded mysteries each day and I am happy that through the miles I travelled,I found myself. Nothing is so fancy but for sure, I will always sing my Ode to the distance I travelled.
It is a journey to my inner self that keep this chapter of my life very meaningful and rich. Indeed, life is beautiful.
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SCREWED (sonnet of nothingness)
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Posted:Jan 19, 2009 2:00 am
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2009 7:26 pm 11437 Views
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Across the wave, where Southwind blows,
Larks spread their wings, chirpping sweetly,
Gentle breeze carries howls of anguish,
Eerie mem'ries take time to tidy
Withstand the time, the drip of snow,
Darkness of soul, dark and floody
Hits the shadow, switches the guage,
this wonder ended blurry.
Cries and longings vanish and flow,
clench fist, twisted, torn and bloody,
Dripping, scribbling in dark hallow,
lulling sweetly, punishing rudely.
Love fails, but it will always draw,
Mem'ries linger, forever they grow.
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I GIVE UP
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Posted:Dec 29, 2008 1:16 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2009 2:05 am 11678 Views
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My stay four- month stay near the borders of US and Mexico has been opening me several new learnings and discoveries. Among the few of them are the thorough understanding of some Filipino values which rooted from the Spanish ways of life. The manana habit, love for foods and giving of money as bribe to make the transactions or traffic violations okey ( I experienced this in Mexico side). I also understood the culture of "tsismosos and tsismosas" and the origins of some corrupted Spanish terms which turned to be the native Filipino words in various regional groups(como esta, hielo,cocina,kutsillo,calle,villa,etc.) and to the Filipino as the national language itself.
Little by little I learned to be accustomed to the ways f the people in the city where I am in. It makes my hope stronger that I can perform my duties well and find some accomplishments in my career in this part of the planet.
The thing that seems to be hopeless is the way people regard and look at me. For nth times that I am mistaken as "Mexican". This is where the troubles will always come in. It is because of this mistaken identity that people will treat me like an ordinary Hispanic woman, speaking to me in Spanish, putting tons of hot chillis on my food,and insisting that I am a fair skinned "Mexicana".
Okey!!! They know better than me!!!
I am already tired of correcting them that I am a Filipina...So I always end up smiling because I dont understand what they said or sometimes go home with a swollen lips due to too much jalapeno chillis on my food.
These are some of my funny and sometimes irritating experiences that happen not only once but every time I go out and mingle with the people around. Somehow, they can only spot that I am different because everytime I eat their tacos and tortas, I end up messing around the ingredients and would always ask for fork and spoon to eat well.
A little more time and I will learn the art of that habit and it will surely solidy their claim that I am not a foreigner but just like any "fair skinned mexicana" around the bend.
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CAN YOU GO OUT WITH ME TONIGHT?
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Posted:Nov 30, 2008 3:26 pm
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2008 7:37 pm 11997 Views
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I always take my work seriously. Since I am working with some exceptional and lovable in our school, my time is always consumed with planning for activities that will be fun and at the same time enhance learning.
With the introduction of the new RTI program to the special education in the State of Arizona, my duties become heavier. I always long that the program in our school will be organized properly before the year ends so that the next periods will be easier.
My director me that the only time he can talk to me is if he can kidnapped me after work. I am not a typical workaholic but the demands of my duties call me to do so.
Despite of my super busy schedule, I am not a nerd who is not sensitive to whats going on specially with my co workers in our level.Its only that most of the time, I refuse to notice it.
I am not also a dumb who can not interpret the actions directed to me but I maintain the level that I am on the standard of what my job and my status demand me to be.
I am not snob. I laugh and exchange jokes with my associates still I notice the hesitation they have for me. I got one male associate who is fond of throwing me some Spanish words which he thought I don't comprehend. I knew also that whenever he is talking with our school nurse, its about me.
He is just one hesitant guy who wanted to ask me for a date but he can't find the courage to say it.
Before our thanksgiving holiday, I saw him sitting outside our building. He smiled and remained silent.
I threw him my keys and said; can you go out with me tonight?
I was laughing while walking towards my car.Off we went for a glass of wine before going home.
I am a typical Filipina but sometimes its nice to let people know that I can just go simultaneously and cautiously. Nothing personal.
Jaz taking time to Chill out and laugh!!!
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FIRST SUNDAY OF ADVENT
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Posted:Nov 30, 2008 2:41 pm
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2008 8:57 pm 11517 Views
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The biting cold of the lowering temperature can not deny that Christmas is just around the corner. The streets across my apartment are already decorated with Christmas lights and lanterns and waiting for the official opening of the City Christmas Parade on the 6th of December.
Its my first Christmas away from home. I am wondering with anticipation what might be the Christmas like in this part of the world. Several of my co-workers are asking me about my plans. I do not know yet. I want to come home but when I checked on the airfare, I decided that it's not a practical decision. I have to stay and endure the biting colds of winter in its literal and figurative sense.
I miss home. I never felt homesick for the past few months of my stay here but with the culmination of advent, I realized that there are so many things I long to experience. They are not available here.
I went to the first advent Sunday mass this morning and I observed that only few people were coming to the mass.Mostly, elderly who are trying to please God during their remaining years on Earth. I saw few and youths with their parents but not alone or with friends.
I miss the Sunday masses in the Philippines where church is overflowing with people , youths and adults---alone, with friends and with families.
I miss the joyous blend of peoples' voices as they sung with the choir the lined up hymns for the celebration.
I miss the elated excitement of the congregation while waiting for the priest to light the first candle on the advent wreath.
Most of all, I miss the commands of my mom hurrying us for the very early mass schedule.
Advent is a joyous preparation and waiting for the coming of Jesus. My community before who busied themselves for the preparation of the Christmas spirit to be shared with other members had turned to the community of fast and fancy environment of Christmas decorations and fashions.
This is my first coldest Christmas in the Land of Milk and Honey
Have a fruitful and progressive weekdays to everyone.
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STOP by SPICE JENSE
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Posted:Nov 20, 2008 9:27 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2008 2:17 pm 11660 Views
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Thursday and Friday are the days that I considered as my Sahara. are getting restless and out of focus. No one minds anyone. In my classroom things could really gotten worst.
Screaming, arguing and hitting run to and fro. I had tried all sorts of strategies to put things in order yet nothing had happened. I was so frustrated and the thread of my patience was getting thine. I kept counting 1-10 to calm myself. I reminded myself that getting mad would turned my winners in this battle of wills and wits.
I rung my bell, came near the screaming and confiscated several toys just to make them listen to our lesson. Nothing!!!
Finally, I decided that the situation was hopeless. I extended my arms sideward and gathered all the air in my lungs and yelled to the top of my voice the crispy echo of SSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTOOOOOPPPPPP!!!! all the 17 set of eyes were looking at me in surprised.....suddenly, I started moving my waist while my arms were extended and continued to sing spice girls', STOP RIGHT NOW,THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I NEED SOMEBODY WITH HUMAN TOUCH...........
I felt good and my surprised turned very silent while staring at me.
I took a bow and continued with my lesson. No one messed up in the class and I was able to finish my lesson and had achieved my objectives. When the bell rung, one of my 7th graders approached me to ask if I am okey.....
I laughed!!!!!
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I LOVE YOU MISS
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Posted:Oct 29, 2008 6:13 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2008 9:41 pm 11596 Views
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Part of my early morning assignment is to oversee during their breakfast.Its the assignment that calls for a real challenge.
First, I am struggling with my Spanish (inshort, TRYING HARD). Some of our in preschool do not speak any English word at all. So, I always end up with body language to inform them that they need to hurry up for they have been spending too much time playing around than eating their meals.
Second, its really difficult to let some of these spoiled brats to understand that its already time for the first period and they cant stay the whole day weeping for they do not like milk.
Third, the fact that I cant turn my back from the even in a single minute because they will end up stabbing each with a disposable fork or throwing pancakes to each other's faces is really a punishment.
I really do not like Tuesdays and Thursday (all teachers do not like it too). I can not also understand why the director had given me a two-day assignment in this area.
One morning, I was yelling to the top of my lungs just to let everyone out of the cafeteria on time.It was really a terrible day. I thought, I was going to let go of my sanity.
I was so furious while I was looking for my assistant to take charge of our brood. Suddenly, I saw a little girl crying at the back of the screen door. She does not know English. No one will translate for me for everyone had ran out already. The cafeteria personel only speaks Spanish too. Thanks to my Ilongo blood, I was able to understand that she was crying for no one wanted her for a friend.
I felt sorry. Out of instinct and frustration, I embraced the girl and she embraced me very tightly too. She was crying so unconsolably.I was really amazed by her reaction. I felt her heightened fear for being alone.I forgot that I was mad and frustrated. I brought her to her classroom with the assurance that I will come to see her daily because we are friends.
Yesterday, she came to my room. She gave me her drawing. Its a heart with I LOVE YOU MISS.
Her lips were sealed with a sweet innocent smile. She kissed me and left.
I got not only a friend, but a little angel.
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