Winter's Demise
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Posted:Jun 26, 2005 2:49 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 3306 Views
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Running in the wilds, barefoot
Without any directions, without any sense
Things will change soon
The birds will soon start singing
As the winter snow melts,
My frosted hands will not be frigid
The everglades will be smothered rich
With life and colors that have once deserted them
I arched my back, welcomed the febrile sensation
Stark no more, anxiety narrowed
Flowers will no more be barren
For tears of ecstasy will surge endlessly.
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Trespasser
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Posted:Jun 25, 2005 8:06 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 3381 Views
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trespasser
there was a knock on my door, i didnt open
the phone was ringing, i didnt answer
There were letters under my door, i left them unopened.
You came into my life, I tried to brush you away.
You came without notice and you turned my world around
i should never have given you that secret smile
this insanity would not have gone too far.
but i did and now, im suffering the consequences.
Foolish of me to think that this was something magical
i guess it was a one-way mirror, with me on the wrong side
I let you see what's inside me, i let you take what is not yours,
my heart that is beaten, that should have been mine alone.
and now i live in solitude, and in pain i will succumb
For you left without a word, a look, a kiss, nor regret.
What is there for me to look forward to, now that youre gone?
Perhaps the memories and the day you might come back.
there was a knock on my door, but it was somebody else
The phone was ringing, but it wasnt your voice on the other line
there were letters under my door, but its not your name that was written
You walked away from my life, but you dont know where to go.
now... what's next?
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Alterego
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Posted:Jun 23, 2005 3:46 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 3320 Views
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i stare at the rebel in front of me
awakening her senses, feeling her pain
you're different, i told her
she smiled back, and languidly spoke to me
you are my prayer.
she delved deeper, deeper, whirring my senses
i tried to hide, to cover my vulnerability
but her stolid eyes pierced my being
and left me half empty and craving for more
she is my saving grace.
with heavy breath, i try to follow her
as she runs faster i got lost
its coming down and zooming in
alas! i found her, high up in the stalwart
she is my worst enemy.
finally, she is arm's length
i can touch her, feel her flesh and break her bones
i throb in reluctant anticipation.
she is mine now. i can be her master, finally.
i woke and and opened my eyes to the brightness.
she is gone.
my alter ego.
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The great expectation
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Posted:Jun 22, 2005 3:26 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 3283 Views
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Somebody once told me that I am very difficult to please. He told me that even if he gave me the moon, I would eventually ask for the stars. I never thought of myself this way. For the longest time, I perceived myself as a simple girl who achieves happiness in simple things. That is why I was surprised and hurt when he, of all people, saw me differently. Back then, I would get angry and defensive every time he accused me of not appreciating his efforts. After a while, though, it made me reflect on this thought. AM I REALLY DIFFICULT?
I had to write something. There I encountered the best question for myself, WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? At first, I thought that this was an easy topic to discuss with myself.. Then it got me thinking, what is it that makes me happy? My head was blank for the next 30 minutes. Superficial things kept popping in my head like, Thoughts of Tyler makes me happy. Music makes me happy. Chocolate and cakes make me happy. Many things make me happy. These answers, though, did not drive me to choose that topic. I decided to pick the “safer” one, that of hygiene. I guess I got scared of teaching something that I, myself, don’t know the answers to. Being 19 years old, I am still clueless as to what I really want ( not really). This realization hit a soft spot, and it hit me hard. Maybe he was right after all. Maybe I am difficult to please. Maybe I don’t get contented with the things I already have. Maybe I don’t really know what I want. Well, I guess I had to find it out the hard way.
My journey to self-awakening ended when I realized that I have completely healed from my heartbreak. It was a bittersweet feat and I’m glad I traversed that path to enlightenment. What did I learn from all the experiences? For one, I realized that I am an incurable romantic. In this age of technology and sexual liberation, I still find myself smitten by the traditional courting method. I love being pampered, I love flowers, I love chocolates, and I love being serenaded. I still think that it is inappropriate for girls to make the first move. Second, I love all (or most) of the corny things a guy usually does to make a girl fall for him. I love chivalry, I love sweet-nothings, I love baby talks and other things that most people find irritating. what can I say? I'm abnormal.
As I STILL REMEMBER FROM one of my favorite TV shows, Sex and the City, I was struck by the uncanny parallelism of my life to the characters in the series. The episode was about having high expectations about love and just getting disappointed in the end. Ouch, that is like the story of my life: never settling for less, getting the best but always wanting more. and just like sarah Jessica's character, i always end up getting disappointed and confused. but what can i do? that's just the way im. If I were less conservative, less romantic and more realistic, I wouldn't have an almost dramatic-but-not-too-poignant love life. i I may be complicated, I may drive for perfection, but what the heck, maybe I'm just saving the best for last.
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Love not for me to have, not for me to hold...
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Posted:Jun 21, 2005 8:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2789 Views
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happy birthday to me.. not yet.. I am still the counting the days... hhmm...
2 more days to go...
almost one week before my birthday and my life is going down the drain. I'm mentally incapacitated, physically unwell and worst of all, emotionally impaired. A year ago, I'm feeling almost the same way, except the for the latter. Last year, in spite of all the harassments of my daily existence, I "had" the love of my life with me to share these problems with. But now, I'm alone and feeling miserable. This is the loneliest birthday I will ever have. I'm so broken inside and no one but me knows about it. I am such a great actress that even my closest friends have no idea how pathetic my life is. Outside, I always have that smile on my face, showing everyone that I can take the situation with ease. I have fooled everyone, everyone except myself.
Almost 6 months since he left me, and i'm still counting. I don't exactly know how the relationship fell apart. All I know is that when it did, it brought my whole world along with it.
Our story is that of the other typical love stories. We were just a total stranger. And then.. I don't really know what comes next.
At first, I had apprehensions about falling in love with him. He was a stranger. That's all he was to me.
I was so in love with him that I was willing to experience all the pain he caused me.
But things got out of hand and I realized that no matter how much love I have for him, I have to save some for myself. I had to let him go. I Hope that he was able to figure things out, to find out if he loves me as much as he claimed. I dont want him to feel that I'm making his world smaller. I'm dont want to barricade his happiness so I told him that neverland never closes, I really wished he had enough strength to fight for me. but he never did. But the fact that he fell out of love for me was not the main reason for my depression. That would kill me forever..
I still love him. And during times when I feel empty and broken, I would always wonder if I just stretched my patience a little longer, would things work out? but then I would realize that I can't fight this battle alone.
I can tell that he's over me. He is living the life he is so used to spending. going out with his friends
( I guess), having drinking sessions every week and sleeping over some friend's place ( I guess ). As for me, I'm still here, picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I can say that everything that happened was for the best. Some things are just not meant to be. This pain is killing me, but if this is the price I have to pay for all the lessons this love has taught me, then I'll welcome it with open arms. At least when I finally find the ONE, things will be a whole lot better. But until that time comes, I'll put on my mask, post my everything-is-all-right smile, cry my heart out and watch the world pass by.
Advance happy birthday to me... ( I wish )
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Cleaning out my closet
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Posted:Jun 20, 2005 9:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2780 Views
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I'm crying again.
After several months of trying to purge sad feelings, I am finally letting genuine tears flow. As I've said, Sugarfree songs have a way of evoking hidden feelings. As I listened to their song, Kwarto( Room) , I had this sudden urge to open my hidden folder which has all our emails to each other. And like opening the Pandora's box, memories crept their way back in.
"Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punong puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban..."
I just had to get it out of my system. I wanted to know if the feeling I had for him was real. This exercise let me clean out my closet, face my ghosts and say goodbye to the past.
I never hated him, even if I wanted to. He has this strange way of dissolving any hatred and angst I have. In fact, i love so many things about him.
"...Mga liham ng linihim kong pag ibig
At litrato ng kahapong maligalig
Dahan dahan kong inipon
Ngunit ngayon kailangan nang itapon..."
Two days ago, I took out a box of memories hidden under my dresser. I read some of the letters from high school friends. I also came across with letters and pictures.
When things were not complicated between the two of us, we used to send each other emails. We asked and discussed OUR so-called love life . I still keep all of those emails. I guess i really wanted to hang on to those things...to serve as a proof that "we" existed... that once upon a time, we were genuinely in love...
"May jacket mong nabubulok sa sulok
Inaalikabok na sa lungkot
May panyong ilang ulit nang niluhaan
Isang patak sa bawat beses natayo'y nasaktan..."
"Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon…"
well now that I am completely devoid of any romantic feelings for him, I decided that in order for me to fully move on, I have to leave some things behind. The boat is moving slower with all the excess baggages I have. I tried to reflect on my life and I came up with a decision: To throw him out to the river... to delete all his emails, burn all his pictures, erase all memories of him...
"Alaala ng lumuluhang kahapon
Dahan dahan ko na ring kinakahon
Natagpuan ko na ang tunay na ligaya
Lumabas ako ng kwarto't naron sya..."
I want to fall in love again. To test the waters and finally swim to the surface of this pool of tears I made out of all the reminiscing. I know I can do it... But I told myself I have to do it right. I will face my future without my past following me. I had to do this... Pause.
i stared at the question in front of me..
are you sure you want to empty the folder?
Empty
Dont Empty
I trembled. This is it. I have already proven to myself that, Yes, It was real. We fell in love and it's over.
"Magpapaalam na sa yo ang aking kwarto..."
I stopped crying, just about the same time the song Kwarto by Sugarfree stopped playing in my player. I guess, it just got tired of playing the song over and over again. God was sending me a signal here... leave him behind, erase all memories of him. Make a fresh start, You deserve it.
Cancel
... I can't do it. I just can't... in a few years time, i would forget his face, his name, his words... and these are the only things that will remind me that once, I was happy.
Never mind if I cry some times upon reading his emails or when his memories resurface.They were good ones, real ones.
Part of my eternal sunshine belongs to him. the mind may forget but the heart never does.
He belongs in my long term memory... and i will never try to place him anywhere else. I will fall in love again, but the feeling and lessons he imparted will always stay, as they all should be.
( the player started playing again... and this time, its playing a different tune. Martir, still by Sugarfree)
Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Malapit na namang magtakipsilim
At kahit na ilang ulit mo akong saktan
Basta't sa susunod di mo na ako iiwan
... blank thoughts...
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Testimonial
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Posted:Jun 16, 2005 8:14 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2723 Views
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I checked my friendster earlier to find out if I have new friend's requests, ... I got more than just a friend's request..I got a new testimonial from someone. My ex-bf from my former School. It's Reuelson.
I don't know what to think about it.. but here's how it goes:
"everytime i see you, i say "i've moved
on" everytime i looked at you i always
say "yah we're just friends!" but
everytime
you looked at me & smile,i end up
saying"@#%$..ang hirap magpretend!"
Loving someone who can never be
yours is like reaching for a star. You
start to wish, wonder, hope & pray that
someday you can have that person. But
you just told to yourself Putcha!Sana
matutunan niya din akong mahalin...
I could never find another one who
could compare to you. I may love again
but not the way i have loved you. You
may only be a part of my past but you
know what? Everytime i see you, i
whisper..."minahal ko yan."
i miss the way you say "epal" and i
make "pa-cute" to you.i miss the way
you shout "cute mo" and i say "talaga
lang ha"...but one thing i miss most is
when you joke "iluvu"
So there. "what else am I suppose to say?"
Let me just end this blog.
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Name your condoms..
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Posted:Jun 15, 2005 8:40 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2809 Views
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Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million
strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH
balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less,
it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Timex Condoms: It takes a licking and keeps on
ticking.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't
you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never
know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things
to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your
hands!
Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI: For friends and family
Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the
entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No
Man Has Gone Before.
NOKIA CONDOM: ------CONNECTING PEOPLE-----
---
Smart Condom
------------Simply Amazing----------------
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Just.... a thought..
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Posted:Jun 15, 2005 8:07 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2551 Views
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I sit blankly with cold feet in front of my concept and wonder why I can't seem to squeeze anything off my head.
This must be it: crunchtime.
A million and one things are going on in my head right now, and perhaps one of the heaviest challenges I have to face is the fact that I feel like a misunderstood failure...
It sucks feeling that you're never enough...
so what do you do about it?
Well, there's this one thing that can sweep away even that problem. WORK ON WHAT YOU HAVE TO FINISH and see the effects immediately. The more you listen to yourself screaming in pain, the more you lose time to finish your task.
Easier said than done, though.
When you feel like calling for him once again, it seems that you'll never hear him answer.
When you're together before, and he's so far from you because you're not meeting his expectations...
Aahh... things will never be the same again.-May
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First day Funk
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Posted:Jun 13, 2005 7:59 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2486 Views
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It seems like it's the 1st day of classes. Must be because of the extended ho( low ) day. There are lots of pesters on the hallway. Flock of bitches trying to impress the sanofabitch. You'll hear them laugh like crazy and as if they own the hallway. It is just irritating to pass through for they these are the "bitches with no brains" ok. sorry, I'm talking against them when in fact I know human rights.
I have friends, but were not like that, were not the foolish ladies who would display ourselves just to be notice by whoever theyr'e trying to impress. Goodness sake, ok. I wouldn't really mind them hanging around but please. where's is the credibility of being a student on it's real sense, aren't they suppose to read thier notes or write thier reminders? where is the morality in it. PDA... That's it.. that's one thing I would always disagree on..
You want kissing? you want to sit on your bf's lap? you wanna embrace each other? hell, what's the use of motels that is all around Laguna? goodness, wait until your prof declare the dismissal of your class and then go ahead and do something with that itchy thing...
am I mean? ok.. Im not perfect. I don't have the rights to invade each of these lovers privacy, but when privacy is being practice is public then it's an a issue. Next time around, choose a darker or less people area and do your thing...
Not in the hallway where lots of are walking around... like ME.
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