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More than what you know...

whichever way you go... I go the opposite..

Neurotic Ranting
Posted:Aug 14, 2005 4:58 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
3009 Views
We all have disparate lives and we choose to spend it all differently. Spending it the way we wanted because we all know the sun will always rise and set tomorrow.

As we gather regret and contentment throughout our existence, where do we find time to reflect on what matters most? Time is after all precious. With the recent tragedies that has befallen our land and our neighbors, we have been once again reminded that life is valuable and should be cherished. I know that some people have already forgotten about the Tsunami disaster, and it's really quite a shame. We still haven't learned out lesson. We are still caught up with our own worldly mentality. I hope that it's not too late for us to realize our mistakes and be able to rectify 'em now.

In a similar light, if we spend our day as if it was our last day on earth. Would we be able to say what's really on our mind? Do what we always wanted to do? I wish that tomorrow is my last so I would stop contemplating about the consequences of my actions and to just go ahead without constraint. Playing it safe does not do wonders for one's experience. It's better to do something than to do nothing at all.

I'd like to say that I've experienced a lot and I want to continue comprehending life's lessons no matter how mine turns out. I know that a lot of people expected this year to be not good for everyone, but it will only turn out bad if we fail to pick-up on the profound things that should be learned.
0 Comments
Ever After
Posted:Aug 13, 2005 4:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
3115 Views

In this crazy and uncaring world, can anyone still find love that's everlasting? how will you know if you've found the one who you could be with ever after?

take a chance.

that's all there is to it. life is all about taking chances. love is all about taking risks. if you don't make the leap, then you won't go anywhere. think of it as if you're floating in a lake where you're not moving 'coz you don't know whether you'll sink or you'll get out of the water. of course, you're afraid of sinking that's why you're not moving. but that's basically it, you won't know unless you move. if you don't move, you'll be forever stuck in stagnation.

so what if you do move and you start to sink? will you sink forever? that's entirely up to you. will you allow yourself to sink or will you try to swim to the shore? take control of your life. stand by your choices and decisions. if your decision leads you to a sink, then you have a choice to allow yourself to sink or do something to get you out of the water.

i've never been a fan of the idea of not having a choice. and i'm not about to start to be one. and i'm not a fan of not taking risks either. it doesn't mean that i'm promoting recklessness. one can always take a calculated risk. that's fine. but i also want to leave some out for whatever surprises that life will pull on me.

don't think too much. sometimes we just have to feel more and think less. sometimes, think more and feel less. how to make the distinction is something unique for each of us. there is no one-size-fits-all solution to life. to love even more. each answer is unique for each of us.

when we do take chances, what matters is we stand by our choices in taking those chances. if our choice proves to be the "wrong" one [wrong, being relative of course], then life should go on, hoping that we won't pick a "wrong" choice again. but again, we can only hope not to. each experience that we go through in life has a different set of choices, has a different notion of a right choice and a wrong choice. there's just no point in comparing past choices as each situation will always be unique.

of course, you cannot just dismiss your past experiences. these experieces serve as a guide. but that's just what they are: guides. today's decisions should be relative to today's situations.

in finding love ever after, don't think much of what happened in the past. remember that each experience that you will go through will always be unique. they will only be the same or look the same or feel the same if you base your decisions on your past romances. believe in love ever after. when it comes in your life, you will know. when that time comes, that's when you make your decisions...unaffected by your hurts and wrong decisions in the past.

only when you take the risks will you get the chance to find love ever after.
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Treat yourself with kindness...
Posted:Aug 11, 2005 4:10 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
2975 Views
I never expected times like these will come. Times when you feel lost and confused and nobody seems to care. It would be easy to succumb on those feelings and curl on your bed feeling sorry for yourself, blaming yourself for the sad story you yourself have created, blaming others for sometimes treating you with unfairly... and before you know it you're so focused with yourself and all that matters is just ME...

Treat yourself with kindness: I have often heard in TV shows. I guess now it meant treating yourself with worth and not reducing yourself into something God haven't intended for you to be - a totally insignificant individual whose contribution in this world is negligible. Life couldn't be that bad. You have a place in this world. I have a place in this world. I may not have anything worth of high praise but it doesn't mean I'm worth nothing. I have treated myself with no dignity on the identity God gave me... It would be an insult to your maker. It doesn't require an extensive "Why-Know-Why" analysis to things beyond your control. Ask God to give His grace that you may love yourself just as He loves you. God Bless.
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The essence of a woman
Posted:Aug 11, 2005 3:50 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
3043 Views
The Essence of a Woman

I am capable. I am worthwhile.
I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am strong.
I shall accept both my strengths
and my weaknesses, for they are me.

I shall never again believe the "lie"
that if I make mistake, I am a mistake.
My mistakes are the learning tools
that I shall encounter on my life journey.

When I learn from my mistakes
I give them meaning
When I give my mistakes meaning
I can begin to forgive myself
I can begin to heal.

I shall not use my mistakes
as excuses to give up on me...
My mistakes are not me.

I shall seek the wisdom to nurture
my heart, mind, body, and soul
so that I may feel more centered...

...providing an energy reserve that allows
me to climb the mountains in my own life...

...providing an energy reserve that allows
me to love and support others who
are climbing a different mountain

...providing an energy reserve tht allows
time for friends, play and the celebration of life.
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End of the line..
Posted:Jul 19, 2005 4:41 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
3631 Views
End of me?

In life, one should know when to be serious and when not to be. It's a symbiotic balance that must be maintained all the time so as to promote harmony among our outer and inner selves.

Why am I saying this, you might ask? I'm somewhat passive and easy going. I didn't fight/or worked my ass off like most people do to get what they wanted. You can say everything was served to me on a silver platter. It doesn't mean that I lack determination or perseverance or even skill for that matter. It's just that...I am not pressured to perform.

Times change I guess. I've realized that I want new things. Things that I want that only I can give myself. It's far from the usual stuff I've pretty much gotten used to and/or have increasingly become bored with.

Meeting new people, whom has goals of their own, inspired to take a hard look at myself and assess the situation I am in. I cannot simply run around in circles hoping the other person will catch my drift. It doesn't work that way anymore.

If you allow people to walk all over you, it simply means you cannot hold your own water. Thus, you end up with spilt water all over you. I'm not saying that people are walking all over me, it's just that sometimes there are times in our life when you need to start holding your ground firmly. Believing that there are better things to come if you work hard for it.
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Knock knock... who's there?
Posted:Jul 17, 2005 4:57 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
3086 Views
< I cleaned my room today. >

As in seriously searched for all the dead cockroaches hiding beneath my bed, my cabinets, and shoe racks- I found a lot.

I also scrubbed the floors of my room and the bathroom that has long been waiting for my all-too-lazy ass to get down on it. I put on fresh bed and pillow covers, piled my dirt free and dirty clothes onto each proper place, and arranged all abubots in a spick-and-span, -of-a-gun kind of way.

It was nice to look at afterwards.

Like how I want to see things now. Clear- Spotless- Positive.

At 20, i want to trust that there's still hope for me to be able to open my eyes again to the constructive things around me- like recognizing the fine things, and stop thinking about the awful.
A girl friend told me in a conversation over chicken wings and two cups of rice last night that she's having problems with a present "special someone". And yet, after all the whining and the "He confuses me" admission, she slipped in saying. "And i even bought him socks when i went to the mall yesterday. I went to buy my own stuff, and when i saw that corporate pair or feet covers, i thought of him, so i bought it.." She looks away, and continues: "I don't care if i see him again, or if i would be able to give him those socks, i don't think he wants to see me again after i told him i don't want a non-committal relationship. I have become too jaded; i don't believe anything he says anymore."
When i asked how long they've been seeing each other, she said: "A month."
Whew.
A month.
I know that im not the better judge of that, even though i had the same encounter with men, but i don't want to be all too cynical to not believe anymore. I want to still be wooed, to be given flowers and chocolates and be told "iloveyou". I acknowledge the must in me for mollycoddling every one in a while, and i know I could still let down all my defenses and be able to kiss back with eyes closed. I don't want to doubt. I don't think negativity will bring me someplace.
I can't help but be all too cynical at times, though. Particularly when right in front of me is an Atomic asshole i can't help but clash off. I suppose maybe I’m just meeting the wrong men. Perhaps one gentleman will come and will erase all the pessimistic vibrations i have in psyche. I thought i have found him before, but still, i guess the revolution of ins and outs comes in unexpectedly. And if i won't safeguard my feelings and guts from undying preys in this lifetime, i know I would have to be wounded again. And again, the cynic in me will kick in.
Of course i miss holding hands with somebody. To be kissed once in a while- especially if there's butterfly flying around that’s all too giddy about doing summersaults. I remember just watching the face of this person i used to really care about, and it was a warm feeling- i remember i was pleased. That i was content. It was an experience i would gladly go through again given the chance.
I once saw a movie about erasing recollections- "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", and I found it rather too ruthless.
You see, my daily life is not new to you, or to the others who read this, and you have witnessed how i go from happy to sad in 5minute’s time, but i don't regret everything i went through. I have been smitten to the point of actually hurting myself, but that's a lesson i keep up until now. I welcome my weaknesses as a human being. I don't overlook things i ought to learn by heart. The good memoirs will forever be in my heart- and it will make me smile when i remember it, and the bad moments will provide an example i would forever be grateful to have experienced.
I cannot think of one tainted history i would want to not consider, but it doesn't imply that I never had any. Of course we all have dark secrets. Things we want to stay hidden, and will remain in the dark until we come to a point when we have to reclaim our spotless memory and get rid of all the ghosts that haunt us at night.
I have a great deal of that- Ghosts that haunts. Now and again i dream of them at night, and i wish they'd have a vision of me too- only to make them grasp that once in their lives, i was a fraction of it. I never forget anyone i was friends with, specially the ones i truly loved. I could say that i pretty much deploy all burdens of anger and pain in my writings, but in reality, I mainly think of the good times and that erases all evil thoughts.
I meet new people every now and then, some i fail to remember so easily, the others i can't even memorize their names. But i know that when the must for me to look back and recall my days, I will be will be able to put things collectively as clearly as how i have experienced having them in one way or the other.

Pause .. back to reality
I readied my cleats too.
I rinsed it, together with onslaughting my room.
And despite the fact that I won't be able to get all the dirty parts unsoiled, i would like to give myself A- for effort, because as much as I recognize that in time, it will again be full of mud, and that my room will again be dirty and my mind will once more be full of jaded thoughts, Still, now I am happy to disregard bits and pieces of debris in my room.
- However not in my memory,
For nothing is as squeaky clean as when I remember.
0 Comments
You say it right then, out loud. coz if you don't, the moment passes you by...
Posted:Jul 10, 2005 6:52 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
3053 Views
One of my favorite mottos, and probably one of my personal guiding principles, is : TRY IT ONCE. Because you won't really know what it's like if you don't give it a try. and oftentimes, if you let that moment pass, you won't get another chance to give it a try. I don't know. it's probably just me. But I'm not the one who lets an opportunity just pass me by. Unless I'm pretty sure that later on I'm not gonna regret not grabbing the chance when it came.

The idea of what could have been is a question that I cannot leave behind unanswered. As tiffany sings to us, still what could have been is better than what could never been at all. I totally agreed. at least you'll know if something feels right or not, if you'll try.

In the past, I've fallen victim to ignoring a lot of opportunities breezing in front of me. But throughout the years, I have learned. each day itself is presents countless opportunities for us: to become better, to meet new people, to find love. Opportunities to discover the world, to discover ourselves.

So what happens when the moment to take the chance has passed? I go on with my life hoping that when new opportunities come, I won't miss them the next time around. Most of the times, taking chances doesn't require much thinking. Trust your instincts. I do. I know that my instincts are always right, if I listen well to what my inner self is telling me. The answers to all our questions are all inside us. They've always been there. We just forgot how find them within us.

The passing the moment is like standing at a bus stop, you get there, waiting for your bus. sometimes, the bus takes too long to arrive. what do you do when you see another bus in another bus stop? i'd change bus stops. If i'm meant to ride my original bus, then somewhere down the journey, I might catch my bus in another bus stop. the thing is, the other bus is an opportunity that couldn't just allow to pass because if I did, I may never know what kind of experience I shall gain from that other bus.

Okay, I've been speaking in too much metaphors. So what am really trying to say? when love happens, one shouldn't think too much in deciding to give it a try. Just try and see what happens. If the relationship works, then good for you. if it doesn't, well at least you can tell yourself that you gave it a try and you found out that it just wasn't meant to be.

Every moment for love is precious. And when you let that moment to give love a try just pass by, there's never going to be another moment. they that love is sweeter the second time around. Ah, but the premise is that you previously gave love a try, only it didn't work the first time. That's an ocean of difference from grabbing the chance when the moment happened.
0 Comments
Inside your heaven
Posted:Jul 8, 2005 5:48 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
2942 Views
Love actually

hmm... what is heaven?

To me, it's being in a world where the right to choose is freely exercised. Okay, that didn't sound too romantic. Then again, who said anything about me being romantic lately? I said love will have to take a backseat for now. I don't want to complicate my life right now, as it is way too complicated now. ( You don't know how miserable I am , thank you to all my guiding friends who stays for me to hold on to... specially Doods.)

Hold on, does love really complicate our lives? people go crazy for love. People are driven wild by love. People do stupid things for love.

Well i know one thing, my heaven ain't anything complicated. So does that mean that my idea of heaven doesn't include romantic love? whatever. I'm not gonna ponder on that.

song of the moment: bo bice's inside your heaven.

I've been down
now I'm blessed
I felt a revelation comin' 'round
I guess its right, it's so amazing
everytime I see you I'm alive
you're all I've got
you lift me up
the sun and the moonlight
all my dreams are in your eyes

and I wanna be inside your heaven
take me to the place you cry from
when the storm blows you away
and I wanna be the earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathin' in
A soothin' wind
I wanna be inside your heaven

When we touch
when we love
the stars line up, a wrong becomes undone
Naturally, my soul surrenders
the sun and the moonlight
all my dreams are in your eyes

and I wanna be inside your heaven
take me to the place you cry from
when the storm blows you way
and I wanna be the earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathin' in
A soothin' wind
I wanna be inside your heaven

When minutes turn to days and years
When mountains fall, I'll still be here
holdin' you until the day I die

and I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
when the storm blows you away

I wanna be inside your heaven
take me to the place you cry fron
when the storm blows you away
and I wanna be the earth that holds you
every bit of air you're breathin' in
a soothin' wind
I wanna be inside your heaven
0 Comments
You will love this..
Posted:Jul 2, 2005 4:57 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
3373 Views
Finally, I got the chance to hold you with my hands and to feel the sensation that your presence would create as I touch you. You look so fragile yet inside I know you're tough. You produced a hissing sound that awestruck me. You looked oh so yummy, I couldn’t wait to taste the sudden burst of sweetness that you promised. A kiss, that was what you claimed to be, I couldn’t wait any longer. I undressed you, slowly with full anticipation, suddenly, an unbelievably fresh aroma filled my senses. You smelled like you swam in a pool of sugar. Sweet… Relaxing… Heavenly… Arousing..

I looked beyond what’s covering you and felt what was inside. You were really full of surprises! When I touched you, I was expecting that you would be soft, smooth and flawless but I was wrong. You were rough and rugged, craggy. It was more than intriguing, it was unexplainable bliss. You reminded me of the uncertainties of life. You reminded me that perfection is impossible. Every bump and imperfection makes mw breath in aching anticipation. You seemed so vulnerable as I pinch you. You didn’t make a sound, it was mind-blowing.

I wasn’t able to contain my yearnings. I finally took one kiss and let my tongue do all the work now. I licked you, slowly at first, but I gradually made it faster and more aggressive. You were so saccharine with a streak of bitterness that kind of neutralized the overwhelming burst of your flavor. I wouldn’t forget this experience. You gave me a little resistance as I bit you, slowly, enduring. I closed my eyes, felt the combination of our juices, swallowed it and once again worked you out. After a while, you diminished into eternity, exhausted. You left this certain taste that would last for a while. It lingers through me, it made me go crazy! It was too fast, it didn’t make me achieve the highest happiness.

My whole body was screaming for more but I couldn’t because we were done. It was a touch of paradise. It was worth remembering… It was worth the time. Eating Pochi was one-of-a-kind, especially when you were doing it for the first time….

--I didn’t mean to arouse you guys, I didn’t know my Pochi experience had “that” effect on you.. haha
0 Comments
I am a Bitternut..
Posted:Jun 27, 2005 5:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm
3220 Views
huwaaaa! nabibitter ako!

Maybe its the nagging feeling of incompleteness that's eating away at me. Whenever i get stressed at school, I have no one to talk to, no one to hug me and make me feel better. Of course, I have my friends. Its a given. I'm practically married to them spiritually. But sometimes, i need to connect with a real person, a real man to call my own. haaay... i dont know.

I'm in no rush to fall in love. If it comes, it comes. its just that sometimes, I wish it (or he) will arrive sooner.

Its not that I'm not happy. I am. But I know how it feels to fall in love and be loved in return, and for me, its happier. Just the thought of sharing everything together makes my heart melt.

I saw some of my past facing their future with their present. They look so satisfied and worry- free. I, on the other hand, have been stuck in this rut for what seems like a lifetime. I dont feel jealous of them, just envious. I wish I had moved on faster than i did. Then maybe, just maybe, im experiencing the same happiness like they do right now.

Or maybe not.

Ah, ewan. basta. bitter ako. got to go to sleep and think of sheep of New Zealand. May pasok pa ako tomorrow.
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