Am I a bit emotional?
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Posted:Apr 29, 2005 4:00 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2345 Views
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I wonder if I'm bound by the rules of chance. Destiny is something I don't believe in. I never was a believer in pre-ordered states of affairs, where there's a reason for everything. Now it's different. God is a in the arcade whacking moles, and why I even come up is something I couldn't explain. I don't even know if I'm too far gone to even go. Just leave the tables. I've won it all... except for one.
Time is the worst healer, like alcohol doused over a gaping wound... sandpapered, rubbed, dipped in hot water and drowned in a vat of bile. I need to be a bit more descriptive. It's high time I took my own heart out of my chest, throw it away, and see just how much I like it. I already did. Here I am, a woman without a heart, rolling the dice and turning the cards. For what reason? There's nothing more frustrating in life than to realize and recognize reasons and destiny... and see it all fade away. When you've seen the sunset you realize you can never get to see it in time. It's lost forever.
There's no worse feeling in the world.
Am I a bit too emotional? Maybe. It just hurts too much.-- May
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Its hard enough...
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Posted:Apr 29, 2005 3:56 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2011 Views
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< for a few of my friends going on through a tough time in their lives... >
It's hard enough to love, but it's even harder to not have loved at all.
It's hard enough to follow every beat of your heart. The human heart can only love so many people at the same time. Who knows how much time, effort and energy a person spends loving? That's the beauty of it all - nobody really knows what the human being is capable of. But it's even harder to love someone you cannot see. Where is the apple of your eye? To whom can you give your all when your all is not there to be seen?
It's hard enough to pay the price to love, but it's even harder to pay the price for love. Who knows how much a person, so much in love, would sacrifice in order to love? Love is pretty much an exercise in sacrifice. To "sacrifice" everything you have: money, time, effort, pride, your own self in the name of love... that's not love. That's not sacrifice. Real love - real sacrifice - happens when you let go. But is love all about sacrifices? How could you sacrifice someone you love so much? Could you even stomach the sacrifices you make, or even think about the sacrifices you have made?
It's hard enough to let go, but it's even harder to move on. Letting go: that's the easy part. After all, every single person in the world is a burden. Come to think about it, whoever said we're indispensable? Everyone is bound to answer to Time one way or another. There's no escaping the reality that life is a cycle of vicious cycles. But how do you "move on" now that your life, all of a sudden, got a bit "lighter?" How do you move on with your life when your immediate present is a wreck? How do you move on, now that you're drained?
It's hard enough to love... but really, it's even harder to not have loved at all.- May
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Accept Me For What I Am
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Posted:Apr 29, 2005 3:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2033 Views
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Accept Me For What I Am
< no, i'm not committing suicide >
Accept me for what I am, and not for what I do.
It is not in haste that I was created, and it is not in impatience that I seek to die. I have been given enough time to live my years and seek the good in this cruel world. I have been given the privilege to meet people in this world to talk to, to know, to accept for what they are, and not for what they do. Just like I hope they do to me, too.
What I do today will be done, and what's done can never be reversed nor justified. We are all lost in the futile quest to take control of time and change what we have done. What I do either builds me or breaks me, but it can never be me. What I do will change me, but it can never consume me. I must remain steadfast in myself, divine enough to forgive and forget, but human enough to regret.
I am human: I make mistakes, and I neither commend or condemn myself for whatever I did in my life. Yes, what I do today and what I have done yesterday matters in everything I'll do in the future, but does that change who I am inside? I am weak, but I cannot allow my actions to be the source of my weakness. I do not create my own weaknesses. I am the seed of my own destruction, I am the wellspring of my own strength.
Do not love or despise me for what I do, but do so for what I am. I am unique, I am special. There can never be another me. My actions have been repeated by so many throughout history. What makes me different from them is that I am. I am not immortalized through what I do, for already I am immortal for what I am. I am made in the image and likeness of myself, and it is for what I am, and not for what I do, that makes me special.
Do not remember me for what I do but for what I am. Accept me for what I am, and not for what I do.- May
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What can I do to make you love me?
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Posted:Apr 27, 2005 4:18 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1395 Views
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My mind was a complete blank for a few minutes. like a zombie staring at nothingness. when I snapped back to reality, I couldn't concentrate anymore. I just felt like going to my room and hitting the bed.
Once more the frustration is creeping in. Why? I have no idea. it's Tyler, maybe. I don't know.
Just a note. an email. a call. It's all it takes to make me happy. even for just a day. or for just a moment in a day.
Damn, I'm so pathetic. I've probably never been this pathetic before. I'm so forlorn! man!
I got an sms from Slyde the other day. I couldn't bring myself to reply. I just didn't feel like talking to anyone anymore. But that's hardly possible to do at home. Suffice it to say, I've set up a very convincing facade that everything is perfectly back in order in my life. But of course, if DaKidd and Slyde were here, they'd know better.
song of the moment: The corr's what can i do.
what can i do Tyler? nothing? there's nothing.
I haven't slept at all in days
it's been so long since we've talked
and I have been here many times
i just don't know what I'm doing wrong
what can I do to make you love me?
what can I do to make you care?
what can I say to make you feel this?
what can I do to get you there?
there's only so much I can take
and I just got to let it go
and who knows I might feel better, yeah
if I don't try and I don't hope
what can I do to make you love me?
what can I do to make you care?
what can I say to make you feel this?
what can I do to get you there?
no more waiting, no more aching...
no more fighting, no more trying...
maybe there's nothing more to say
and in a funny way I'm calm
because the power is not mine
i'm just going to let it fly
what can I do to make you love me?
what can I do to make you care?
what can I say to make you feel this?
what can I do to get you there?
what can I do to make you love me?
what can I do to make you care?
what can I change to make you feel this?
what can I do to get you there?
and love me... love me...
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Makeover
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Posted:Apr 27, 2005 4:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1371 Views
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did some shopping last weekend. sort of a wardrobe makeover. bought some sterlite containers and stowed them with jackets, long-sleeved tees, sweaters and other clothes that i don't plan to wear this season.
bought new shirts and jeans. Image makeover din. got new pairs of shoes, too. sketchers, and new set of undies, mostly boxers. new pairs of pants, mostly denim. i bought a cool pair from plugg. snug fit. really booty hahaha!
yep, even for a short moment, i seemed to have stopped thinking about Tyler and i guess i have to stop thinking about Tyler at all. eases the pain.
Slyde said that there are more fish in the sea. ocean, even. it's just sad that the fish i want isn't exactly keen on getting hooked. oh well. time heals all wounds. as always.
the past two or three days, Tyler seemed to have ignored me in ym. and i don't know why. yup, i'm quite naïve at times. Tyler's way of telling me to just be gone? maybe. time to move on i suppose.
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His mysterious ways....
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Posted:Apr 27, 2005 5:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1566 Views
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after months of agonizing with my upper back and neck pains, which were symptoms of (and that has further distressed) my unconsciously stressed-out mental and emotional state, things are finally starting to lighten up.
being on a two-week medication to calm my anxious frame of mind, the body aches have disappeared... or at least ninety percent of it... ten percent remains because of time spent on the computer...
with my mind clearing up the way the skies do after a storm, realizations are trickling in like leftover droplets of rain. and with these realizations, i have been fighting for a few days now to hold back tears that desperately want to escape.
finally i just gave in. to let go of everything i have been tightly holding on to. to let go of all the poison that have been eating me up inside. to let go of locked up frustrations that have hindered me to move on.
i guess this is His way of reminding me. His way of bringing me back to where i should be. for there is more that lies ahead... and i would really need the strength and serenity for things to come...
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Beneath the milky twilight...
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Posted:Apr 27, 2005 5:00 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1313 Views
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last night i whispered my secrets to the mountains and my words were blown away by the winds to that invisible horizon where one cannot know where the sea ends and the sky begins. so that when you held me in your arms all i have is silence, warmth and stillness. and that is all. any more would flail myself across the edge of all reason. because our time ends when one begins to fall.
under subdued breaths i could have told you who i am. but just like everything else, my thoughts must have slid down the slopes where they fell with a muffled thud in the darkness. i wake up in the morning and i am no longer the same. but you-- you are still another's. and i fell for you while you were looking away.
upon descent, i left pieces of me to the slopes and the slopes stick to me through weeds, dust, and pebbles in my shoe. with sweat and pain i know that i was there. but my trails will be forgotten, swept away by the winds and watered down by the rain. perhaps, that's just like how things should be. tomorrow another mountain, perhaps in another arms. by then i cannot go on to where you will be. so go on to your journeys. i'll never know where or when you will come home.
May
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What is the hardest thing?
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Posted:Apr 27, 2005 4:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1333 Views
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to act like you don't exist when what i really want to do is
kiss you.
kiss you as if i'm a nymphomaniac on death row.
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Your mind's unrealized power
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Posted:Apr 26, 2005 6:03 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1488 Views
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your mind's unrealized power - something to ponder on
This was posted by a friend (Erin) on friendster, which i, myself, trully believe in.
sabi nga ng iba,
"be careful of what you ask for, you just might get it... "
Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have powerto create conditions in your life.
What you speak about, you can bring about. If you keep saying you can't stand your job, you might lose your job.
If you keep saying you can't stand your body, your body can become sick.
If you keep saying you can't stand your car, your car could be stolen or just stop operating.
If you keep saying you're always broke, guess what?You'll always be broke.
If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a woman, you will always find someone in your life to hurt and betray you.
If you keep saying you can't find a job, you will remain unemployed.
If you keep saying you can't find someone to love you or believe in you, your very thoughts will attract more experiences to confirm your beliefs.
Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more positive and power packed with faith, hope, love and action.
Don't be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve.
Watch your "Thoughts," they become words.
Watch your "Words," they become actions.
Watch your "Actions," they become habits.
Watch your "Habits," they become character.
Watch your "Character," for it becomes your "Destiny."
~Author Unknown~
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I AM NOT INTO SEX
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Posted:Apr 26, 2005 3:09 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1550 Views
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Dear May
you truly are a goddess, you have the most beautiful face and lips imaginable, and you can see how i do imagine them, i would so love to see them for real and just touch them and kiss them for only 5 minutes would put me in heaven, email me and tell me what pic of me you would like to see
Love, barry holden
oh well,i'll give him A for his effort and honesty. EFFORT because he edited one of my friendster pics, and uhmm he did a great job exposing my face in his mind. I had red cheeks n and really pouting lips in the pic he edited. HONESTY because right from the start, he never concealed the fact that he's sexual.
But the thing is, i'm not. and i didnt really appreciate his bastardizing my pictures making me look like a porn star(it was a shot i took while i was in Caylabne). i replied to his email, thanked him (yeah, that's how considerate i am) for the email and told him that i remember telling him that im not into those kinds of stuff. hmm, he's yummy all right, his body's to die for and well he's kind of model material. but, im just not into SEX.
Headline: IM NOT INTO SEX.
I am not making excuses, it's just that i'm not into it.
Hi there. Hey I see you are from the Philippines. I love Filipino women. I would love to talk with you. My name is Tom. I live in the US. I work for a satellite tv company here. I don't have yahoo messenger so I can only chat and talk by email and phone. Please email me back and let me know if you would like to talk with me. I can tell you anything about myself and even send pics. I hope to hear from you soon. Bye
Tom
Wow, i'm so in demand right now. But uhmm, i dont know if this is something i should be happy about. Cyber life's active again huh..
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