Sweet Sleep
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Posted:May 13, 2005 3:03 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1594 Views
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Albert Einstein
"2 things are infinite: the universe and stupidity; and I am not sure about the universe."
I haven't had a real sleep for almost a week now... I usually sleep about two to three hours. . I'm glad I am running on adrenalin and pure will power. When I sleep, I'm really out of it. It's the life I decided to lead.
So I won't complain.
Right now, all I want is a whole day just to sleep. A nice comfortable bed with soft, fluffy pillows and a huge comforter. Right now, I'd have the air-conditioner on. I don't usually. I usually am fine with just opening the window, but I'll make an exception for this one.
I'd have relaxing music playing, some chill-out tunes to help me get in the mood for sleep and then just wait for slumber to take over.
No need to count sheep, no need to focus on my breathing or on relaxing. With all of those requirements met, I'd just close my eyes and be off to dreamland.
Right now, that's all I want.
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Bitterness
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Posted:May 12, 2005 1:56 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1594 Views
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I Love You Is The Most Bitter Line
I love you! It’s the most frustrating line for me right now. Words so sweet yet leaves you with so much bitterness. It’s very ironic that you can never say that greatest line to the one you love with all your heart because it will hurt your love’s loved one. Needless to say that it will hurt you knowing that your loved one would not be able to tell you that same line. It’s so frustrating to know that someone who has so much love to give doesn’t have someone to give it to.
Tonight, for the first time, I’ll be crying a river of tears for that someone.
From the very start I conceded that my battle will lead to nowhere but pain. I know that he only exists in my dreams and sooner or later I would have to rouse. The time to wake up has come. He's real damsel has been found. He’s no longer mine. He has never been mine. That’s why I never asked him for anything. I never asked him to give me all the love in the world. Nor have I asked him to be mine. All I asked from him is to let me show how he feels.
But if I would have to live my life again, I’ll choose that same path that I traveled. I’d still let him feel the same unconditional love that I let him feel . Even if I cry a thousand rivers, I’ll be a fool and still love him.
And to you I say goodbye. I’ll see you in the next track of what we call life.
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Two Steps in the Water
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Posted:May 12, 2005 1:54 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1974 Views
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Kate Bush, from Hounds of Love
Take my shoes off and throw them in the lake
And I'll be two steps in the water
After today, the shoes I'm wearing on my feet will be thrown into the garbage. They've got a great design, comfortable and it breathes, allowing a lot of ease when walking. It really takes care of my feet. Unfortunately, being my favourite pair of rubber shoes, I wore them out quickly, always wearing them when ever I feel like getting comfy. Especially when I go out dancing; the wear-and-tear on the shoes I've got on when I dance is unbelievable. I happen to dance like a maniac.
All my shoes are in horrid shape. I can't help it, I'm a walker. I walk everywhere. I walk from Robinson's Galleria to RX building which far away. all the time. Or from Makati Cinema Square to the Glorietta MRT station. That's a distance that is normal for me. That's about a 15 minute walk, I think. Depends on the day... I've never been a good judge of measurement so I'm not even going to attempt to say how far it is. I'd just be off the mark.
I love walking. Unlike dancing or wall-climbing, walking allows me to think and I don't do anything but think. I'm surrounded by thoughts. Sometimes, I get three or four ideas in my head at the same time and I'm toying around with them simultaneously. It's a different kind of feeling, to be overwhelmed by one's on thoughts. Unlike wall-climbing and dancing where the thoughts disappear and for that moment, everything is clear; walking surrounds me with them and the heaviness is a wonderful feeling.
And with all the thoughts in my head, I walk. I let these things simmer in my head. I let them go and take flight. And my feet keep taking steps forward.
But my poor shoes! In what a horrid state they are in. I have to keep buying new ones. After all, in the birthday book and a lot of my astrological readings says I have to take extra care with my feet. Apparently, a lot of health problems will arise if I don't take care of my feet. That's what the books say, I couldn't make this up myself if I had to. And they are all rather consistent. Strange, huh?
So today I wear my favourite pair of rubber shoes for the last time. My feet comfortably snug in them, slowly breathing. I'm also wearing my favourite pair of pants and a shirt that I like a lot. Yesterday was favourite clothes day or whatever but I haven't gone home yet, sleeping in my friend's house so that I can continue working later in the early morning. And then soon, the impending departure of my shoes.
Throw them in the garbage and I'll be two steps in the trash. We are all dying, the moment we were born, we have begun to die. We are all slowly heading towards the point we will no longer be of use to society. It all depends on what state we leave in, I guess. All used up, worn and broken? Or still looking brand new, hardly used, just admired from behind glass?
You decide. I've already decided what I want for myself. I'll be going like my favourite pair of rubber shoes. Torn, dirty, worn-out and falling apart. There's a dignity for having been used and used well.
That's what I decide.
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The first rain of May
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Posted:May 12, 2005 1:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1441 Views
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Indigo Girls from Dairy Queen (written by Amy Ray)
The love you gave was not for free
But the price was truly fair
I never felt so glad to be
So well spent and so beyond repair
There's this superstition or whatnot that says if you bathe in the first rain of May, all your past hurts and the pain washes away. Some beliefs say that you will be showered with money if you allow yourself to be wet by the first rain of May. I always believed that. I remember, with my family, when we would catch the first rain of May, we'd run outside and let ourselves be drenched underneath the cold water falling from the sky.
There was a time I was in Bicol taking a scriptwriting class being taught by my father and Dr. Elsa Coscolluela. It was May and someone rushed in saying that it had begun to rain. My father stopped the class for awhile so that we could rush out and stand under the rain.
Looking back, I've never been particularly rich at any point in my life because of the rain. There were times that I was but it was inconsistent. I did this superstition every year and found myself not blessed by any sort of mystical fortune nor has any of the pains and hurt been removed from my being. I still felt it after.
I was writing scripts an hour or so prior to this entry and heard the rain begin to pour outside the window. This time, I had no desire to rush out and spread my arms out and close my eyes submitting to the shower and the magick it is suppose to bless all those who embrace its coming. This time, like how I decided how I was to spend my New Year's, was to forego all these free blessings from age-old beliefs. I decide to take this world by the reins and make it all about the actions that I do and leave nothing to chance or to the kindness of the fortunes, the spirits or any other supernatural force.
I've never won the lottery. I'm not the type. Deep inside, some bitterness taking over, I always felt that maybe God never meant for me to be lucky because everything I need, I can acquire by my own will and the skills I was given. I don't need freebies or the generosity of chance; all I need is to want something bad enough and work for it and it will be mine. It can be mine. I don't know whether that belief is true or even fair but it has allowed me to be less angry at the good fortune of others. It has allowed me to believe in myself.
I also told my Mom, wrote her an letter and said that I feel that any luck I had, I emptied by being born in this family, by being born her . If it were not for the open-mindedness, the generosity and love I've received growing up, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And despite all the trouble and hardships I'm going through now, I like who I am and I'm proud of what I have accomplished and what is yet to be. I was nurtured and all my potentials were nourished ever so lovingly by my grandmother.
I've received letters and texts telling me to greet my grandma and mymom a Happy Mother's Day from them because they feel that if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here in this world. And I know they don't just mean that if it weren't for her/them I wouldn't exist but that if it weren't for the way she brought me up, I wouldn't be the way I am now. A lot of what I am has to do with my family. And for that, they are grateful as I am.
My grandma nurtured my fantasies and let me read, write and dance. She exposed me to so much and I had all the world to choose from and in a way, without ever having to say so, she said the world is yours, take it.
And so I will, grandma. I will.
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On procrastinating...
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Posted:May 11, 2005 4:56 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1477 Views
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I’m a born crammer. Guilty as charged. So sue me.
Do not expect me to be on time, specially on really morning classes. I probably spent the first ten minutes of my first period college classes stuck on the way to school. Being nocturnal as I am, it’s really hard to get my ass to school, specially on 7am classes this sem.
And another thing, if you’re going to ask something major from me, please don’t do it while the sun’s glaring at me. Wait until it sets, or better yet, wait some more, until the stars burst out of the night sky. And then you can start convincing me.
Not that I cram all the time. Just half of it  There are times when I really do try to finish things wayyy before schedule just to get them out of the way, but the thing is, when I put them alongside those I made while under pressure (err, deadlines), they seem so pale and lifeless, compared to others that are vibrant and rich.
I am not giving excuses on why I some late papers, or why I cram. It’s just that I don’t believe in handing over something that’s run off the mill. I do not want my works to be just another one of those. We all know that I do not want to settle for something mediocre. The paper or whatever it is I would submit to professor bears my name. And I won’t be able to forgive myself if I did pass something that’s worth a dime a dozen. I would rather be known as the one who had a brilliant paper but passed late than someone who gets to have a move on just because s/he passed on time. No sirreee. Tardiness cannot dull or mar brilliance. (haha..egoistical biatch!!!)
I stand firm when I say I’d rather have a life than a laude. Looking back, if I did pass the requirements on time, or din’t cram as much, unabashedly, I might just be graduating with one. But then, I have no regrets. None at all. And I’m happy. Because if I did, it wouldn’t have been me.
There are times when I stop and some doubts set in, however. What if I don’t finish? What if the deadlines could not be stretched? What if there are no second chances? What if I am unable to deliver? But then, that’s just it. These are the risks. These risks double up the bets, upping up the antes.
The pressure to deliver, is one unrelenting master. It pushes me to my limits, to excel, and to stand above the task. Not that I’m saying that for me to move, you have to pressure me. I am familiar with the word initiative, thank you  There are just times, when these pressures, coupled with the risks, heighten my drive, my will to strive, and to aim for that crest. Times when I could feel it within reach, at the tips of my fingers, and I have but to close my eyes and I could almost taste sweet victory, I just have to breathe in and I could almost let triumph envelop me. Challenges are such a turn on, much like power is so seductive. Specially if you emerge victorious.
Cramming is a habit that is deeply imbibed in my system. I know I would have to curb it. Heck, I plan to. But I have no plans of breaking it all together. If I did, then I wouldn’t have most of my entries here. Including this. Triumph, specially when it’s something you’ve worked hard for (err, something you’ve stayed up the previous night for), is addictive. What with going through the eye of the needle, of beating the buzzer, and then you feel the rush. The hype. Worth doing over and over, I say. You don’t always win, however, but then, every loss, is not a reason
Right now there are a handful of things I have to get done. Papers, two exams to study for (gawd!), choices to make, gambles to bet on, paths to take, people to talk to, decisions to ponder on, but heck, I’m taking my own sweet time. Rushing can result to head-on collisions that can be bloody messy or produce half-baked meals (never liked ‘em raw). I’m going my own pace, like a surfer scouts for the perfect wave to ride on. I’m aware of the things I have to do. And I tell you, they will get done. I’m not procrastinating. Just waiting for the right, the absolute perfect time.
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Irony II
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Posted:May 11, 2005 4:53 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1437 Views
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I don't know why, but I think my life's is like a complicated maze... if I don't get to the right exit, I have to go back and start all over again... and true enough, I'm back to where I started. some things happened that changed my life in an instant. I found myself back to where I was months ago. I thought I was on the right track. but apparently, I wasn't able to handle the irony. The wrong move was not to have a back up plan. now, It's too late... I have to start all over again.
My mind's messed up right now. Things didn't go the way I wanted them to. I feel like I have no one to talk to, I feel so alone. after a close friend told me he needed space, I had no choice but to go back to my best buddies, who I know that will always be there. I told them everything. what happened to me, my friend, the people i used to hang out with a lot. they're somewhere behind the shadows, they're still there, but i just won't be able to see them for now. i feel so depressed.
it's a good thing i never lose hope. something tells me that again, for the 9th time, i'll be able to stand up and move on.
this is enough. don't want to elaborate. I just have to stop and analyze everything before it's too late
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Fast Car
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Posted:May 11, 2005 4:50 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1425 Views
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FAST CAR
Miss Tracy Chapman,
I'm not sure if I can take the ride with you. I'm scared. I know myself. I'd be really hurt if things would go wrong. You're everything that I've wished for. You make me smile, you make me think. You make me believe in magic. I never knew that this type of fun was even possible and I thank you for that. But as it is I'm very vulnerable. I'm very fragile at the moment and if I break now, I don't think even all the king's horses will be aple to put me back together again. Thanks for warning me this early. Thank you for the time and believe me, it was one of the best that I've ever spent with someone. Take care, too bad that I am weak, too bad that I can't take the risk.
Humpy Dumpy
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Question of Relevance
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Posted:May 10, 2005 10:57 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1545 Views
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When I first found myself alone again, I thought that the biggest problem I had was one of solitude. It was tough. True, I was alone in a big city but what got to me was how quiet everything was when I got home. It was just me in my room and I had to get used to the idea that no one else will share it with me. See, thing about my family is that you can't bother them when its time for them to rest. They like their privacy and you have to respect that.
Sure, I would call up a few people here and there but once that conversation was done, there I was again, sitting in my room, in silence. Eventually though, I got over that. I have always been a withdrawn individual . TV, Internet, books, etc. kept me comfortable with myself. When i learned about new friends I thought I was all set. Plenty of friends to call at a moment's notice who don't mind the opportunity to socialize.
But lately I've realized that the problem with being alone is not so much the question of solitude, it is, and I've struggled to find a better word, the question of Relevance. I think people basically pair off because you just have to have that someone with whom you're relevant. That someone who needs you and you need them, someone with whom you truly share your life. Parents don't count because you've always been relevant to each other and you are aware that you have to search for more than that.
Friends don't really count either because you still have your own separate lives. It's different being across someone to whom you truly matter and they matter to you as well. A poet once said that happy couples are all the same, they're quiet. It's unhappy people that make stories. It's true. When you're not happy, you do all these stupid things. You fight your parents or do drugs, you sleep around with young women, you're basically unsettled. When you're a happy couple, you just sort of disappear into the ambient happiness. The world doesn't hear from the both of you anymore as the world has lost its relevance to you as you have placed it in someone else. Ever notice how happy couples have their own world? Sure, they'll come out and visit you from time to time but never for very long, and even if there's a bunch of you sitting with them, it's everyone else who seems displaced.
I guess that for me is a sign of having found Relevance. You're so happy you disappear. I see some couples in the middle of wonderful passionate relationships but, to me, it's not quite there yet for the simple reason that they're just too noisy. They disturb the universe with their grand show of romance more than they assimilate into it. So that there is for me the strangest emotion I wrestle with today. I can spend the entire night out having fun with my friends, but ultimately, I come home and it's all sort of hollow and empty. I come home and there's no Relevance, I'm not relevant. I know people say you should be a complete person by yourself, not dependent on someone else, but Relevance is not about that. To desire to be Relevant does not make you an incomplete being. But I don't really worry about it, I don't. As is, in my life, I can find company, I can find romance, I can find meaning. When you think about that, those are actually all the ingredients you need for a great life, regardless of whether or not you find someone permanent.
And I have that d.u.m.b. faith that I'll find it again someday. Still though, I often wish I never knew what Relevance was like. It's much easier when you don't know what you're missing
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I romanticize things too much...
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Posted:May 10, 2005 10:53 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1419 Views
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We have different ways of dealing with things. Everything that life throws at us serves as our teacher and guide on how to handle and react at certain situations. Life taught me to always follow your heart. Feel what your heart tells you to feel. Because rationalizing things may just cause you more regret.
Life taught me that nothing is certain. Outcomes are not binary at all. You can never say that you should have done something else, becasue that something else may not give you what you want. So if you're heart tells you to go for it and you failed, just smile and say, "Nice try!"
My heart tells me to jump at any situation that makes me feel special. Go for any opportunity that spells love. Savor the feeling of happiness for I'm not certain if I'll feel that in any other outcomes that man may predict.
My heart tells me to "romanticize" things! and this is sooo gay.. argh.. nuff.... I said nuff.... ok.?
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It's Nice to Feel Pain...
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Posted:May 10, 2005 4:53 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1586 Views
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"If you feel the pain, then it's working." -my gym instructor
I guess that's it, pain is an essential part of our lives. It's like signposting, it tells you when an exercise is workin, or when what you're doin is wrong or when you're deeply in love with someone. If you dont feel pain, then you dont appreciate happiness.
Pain makes me strive. Pain makes me look at the good things that i have. Pain is a promise. A promise that it too shall pass. -May
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