Just sometimes
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Posted:May 16, 2005 4:28 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1914 Views
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Sometimes
I stop
In mid-existence
Trying to remember
Why
I’m supposed to BE
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Sometimes
I catch some ‘past’ in my eye
And I blink perpetually
Just to
Hold back the tears
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Sometimes
I crave
To be touched
By someone
Who doesn’t seem
To exist
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Sometimes
I see beauty
In the most ordinary things
And I feel
Extreme sorrow
When nobody else sees it
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Sometimes
I write my thoughts
But when I read them
They seem to be
Somebody else’s
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Sometimes
I smile
Even
If
There is no reason
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Sometimes
I cry profusely
But the only teardrops
I see
Are the red stains
On my chest
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Sometimes
I want to hug people
Not because
I
Need it
But because
They
Do
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Sometimes
I stop breathing
Because
I forget
That it’s a prerequisite
Of life
Just sometimes..
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Drowning in oil
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Posted:May 16, 2005 4:25 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1982 Views
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i am cloth in turpentine.
and i incessantly rub
my frail body
against your thick,
undiluted psyche.
it's not working.
perhaps
i am rubbing you
the wrong way.
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Iniquity
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Posted:May 15, 2005 11:44 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1477 Views
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I entered the room
Alone
And without much fear
For my individuality
Unexpectedly
Your walls closed in on me
And I found my self
Assenting
Not realizing
That I have slowly lost myself
While your walls remained intact.
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Who am I?
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Posted:May 15, 2005 2:59 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1506 Views
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Who am i?
I am every woman you meet...
I am a drifter in the immense sea of life
I am a dreamer, a free spirit
I am a complex woman with unpredictable moods
I am a good friend & your worst enemy
I am an angel or a fallen one
I live a hundred different lives, a million different faces.
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False Bravery
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Posted:May 15, 2005 2:50 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1458 Views
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I may be a woman roaring my heart out in attempt to scare the world with my wits and positive demeanor. But there are those moments, like right now, when I am oblivious to my audience. I care not what is expected of me. I abhor the world’s demand of me to assume this painstaking responsibility. Thoughts I’ve been avoiding find a way to seep through my consciousness. And the burden gets heavier and heavier.
So I park my smile. For now. And I cease from standing tall. The jovial spirit takes a back seat. And I allow myself to be weak. To curse at the world. To swim in my tears. To declare my life as .d.a.m.n.e.d... To scream without constraint. To battle with myself. To embrace despair and enter the dark, cold recess of my head. - Hope you understand....
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Last Night
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Posted:May 14, 2005 5:49 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1558 Views
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Silence and I talked last night, underneath the stars where even the wind could not hear us. It was, in fact, an extremely faint conversation. One that even I found difficulty in hearing. More than the sullen whispers, the words Silence chose to use were vague and esoteric.
If not for the context of his gestures, he could very well have spoken in a foreign language. Well. Perhaps he did. I couldn’t really tell. I tried to read between the lines. But he offered no distinct lines for me to read between. I tried to hold his hand. But Silence kept his distance. There remained only the murmurs. Explanations that didn’t really make sense.
Stories that had no beginnings or ends. Emotions that no human soul has ever heard of. And desires that never had a chance. So I just held myself. Tightly. While I listened to Silence. While the stars watched in wonder. While the air strained to listen. While I closed my eyes to keep the tears from falling. -ouch!
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Slipping into new skin
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Posted:May 14, 2005 2:18 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1447 Views
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Lamb from 'Til the Clouds Clear (written by Lou Rhodes and Andy Barlow)
"And a storm brews inside and there's nowhere to hide
It's gonna blow your cover sky high
If you let this thing go, it's gonna burn, it's gonna burn
You're gonna take the whole world with you when you go"
I've been doing my whining thing again. Looks like everything is back to normal with me. I'm back to the way I was approximately a year ago. A little joyous, whiny (hopefully to a funny degree) and not so moody.
It's been a rough 3 weeks. But it's over now. It's time to start anew.
I'm out of the forest and I'm no longer Lost in Transition and I am adjusting to the view from my new set of eyes; adjusting to the reality that I now perceive with my new state of mind. It's kind of exciting and thrilling.
I'm reminded of a song from Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim. It's the song of Little Red Ridinghood after she comes out of the wolf's mouth. She sings: I know things now many valuable things that I hadn't known before, they were off my path so I never had cared, I had been so careful I never did dare, and it made me feel excited, well, excited and scared.
Or something like that. And we have to cherish these moments of illumination because there is that unseen trap of falling back to old ways after 2 months or so. I remember my grandma enrolling me in all these classes offered by her Hermitage. I took classes on Loving Relationships, Clairvoyance and Reiki healing. And sure, they affected me and I always ended up crying and learning so much about myself. I would make these declarations that I've changed and for the next two months, the changes were apparent.
And then, I'd slowly start to return to my old ways. It was so simple and easy and I was totally oblivious. As much as I'd been affected by those classes; you'd always revert back to what comes naturally. After all, you were told about the fire and how much it burns. It is a whole different thing to actually feel the heat and burn.
I've changed a lot in a year and I'm still changing and learning things everyday. So I might not become as famous as I want to be. I might not become as important as I want to be. But right now, I think there is nothing wrong with my life. I have friends and family who loves me and I love as much, I've got to go back to school and I'm part of society, I am a contributing factor in this society and I'm growing as a person -- gaining new experiences and using them to my betterment.
Right now, it's enough. It's enough.
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Coffee gone cold
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Posted:May 13, 2005 9:59 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1692 Views
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place me
and my cracked china
in your warm hands
and blow me
kisses
that once
swirled
in my pitch-black
blood
hold me close
and stir me
counter-clockwise
slowly
but
with the same intensity
to remind me
of the heat
that once defined
my sultry being.
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Some of my Rules in Dating...
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Posted:May 13, 2005 7:56 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1426 Views
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Some of my Rules in Dating...
1. If you dont like him for no apparent reason, chances are the reasons are about to emerge after a few minutes.
2. Never ever expect.
3. If he asks you about (s)(e)(x), no matter how apologetic he is after and for whatever reason, never believe him that he's really not into it.
4. If he opens the doors for you, rejoice. It's a sign that you can be good friends if things dont work out.
5. If he talks about cars for 5 mins straight, it's almost sure that he'll be talking about it for another hour.
6. If you're bored by his presence, talk about yourself. By doing so, You'll entertain yourself, practice your public speakin skills and turn him off in the process.
-- if he declares that he's a w.a.r.l.o.c.k., it's time to stop entertaining him.
-- if he says he's bisexual, he will eventually become homosexual,dont sweat it.
-- starting out as friends makes things more complicated. starting out as lovers makes things boring.
-- if he says "i love you" or anythin close to it after a week of knowin each other, he's lying.
-- if he doesnt call or text you after a date, "he's just not into you" [quoting Jack Berger from ______ and the City]
-- if he's a childhood sweetheart, chances are, you can only go as far as flings and in-between relationships.
-- go date your bestfriend. go Fack things up.
-- if he asks about your cup size, he wants to have (s)(e)(x) w/ u.
----------------------- to be continued ------------------
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Magic Ride
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Posted:May 13, 2005 3:13 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 1474 Views
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I’m in a roller coaster ride these past few days and I’m tired of feeling the extremes of being indefinite. I hate reading people, I hate mind fuc%#*kng. I hate being on the other side of the fence where in I can’t do anything but wait. I don’t want to be the prey. I want to be the hunter not the one being hunted. But for some reasons that I can’t explain I’m powerless this time around.
My instincts are failing me, my formulas aren’t working…. I’m falling and the worst thing is I’m fallen for the right person but in an absolutely wrong time.
It’s really never about the right person… is it? Love is about finding yourself together with someone who’s feeling the exact same feeling as you are at exactly the same time. Right timing is always the key. If you’re a second too late then goodbye… you’ve just missed the trip, you have to wait for the next right time.
Everyone gets to ride this bus called love, but the question is will you be able to get there at the stop before the bus leaves? And if ever you do get there, how sure are you that the person beside you is riding the right route. What if you accidentally took the wrong bus? Okay, forgive me if my analogies aren’t that clear but I suppose you get the picture. Love is so dang complicated. Relationships are not for the weak of hearts. I always say that it will never get the best of me… that I will always be the one in control but whenever I’m already on that situation I can’t help but get lost in this labyrinth.
But you know what… it’s fun. That’s why I’m always looking forward to it…falling in love. It makes life worth living. It gives that fire in the belly, the butterflies in the stomach, that feeling that is just so difficult to explain… that magic.
Damn… I like this ride and there’s nobody who can stop me from riding it over and over again
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