Dearest Santa
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Posted:Dec 12, 2008 5:03 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2024 9:33 pm 5369 Views
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Dearest SANTA,
Please bear with me
I don't deserve anything
for Christmas this year
I was a naughty girl
if truth be known
this year done things
that were wrong
like being dramatic
trying to have things
my way and doing
dumb things on my own
I really need to be put
on your lap
spanked and hit
and maybe a slap
Is there help for me
from destroying myself?
Dearest Santa
maybe you can give me
.....
wisdom divine
for 2009?
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I am not a PRINCESS
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Posted:Sep 27, 2008 7:52 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2024 9:33 pm 5085 Views
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I am not a princess
My needs are most like a Queen
Feel my hands
They're so soft
indicative of a life of ease
I will not spring clean
My excuse is I am allergic to dust
I tidy up and keep everything clean
so nothing needs cleaning
I don't think I am that amazing,
but I am intelligent and interesting.
I do care deeply about what other people think,
but I'm fortunately starting to get over it as I get older.
I am perpetually in my early 20s
(even if my official birthday says otherwise).
I can be very emotional,
very loyal
and very loving
in any given circumstance.
What I lack is patience
..
My "soon" is not everyone else's version apparently!
And now that the holidays are coming,
Halloween, Christmas and New Years,
I envision being laid back
and a little lazy
and continuing "my unhurried life".....
Not that it will happen…
But here’s hoping!
Anyway,I am blessed to have
a lot of wonderful people
in my life
who love me despite my selfish ways,
so thanks to my family and freindz!!
Isn't it amazing that
they love me inspite of my grandiose
image of myself.
But I've got to care
There is more to life than Me I know
And the world does not revolve around me...
I am confident that
I will
I will
I will
I will
lead a purpose driven life for others
.....And for that one special someone for me.
(hope he treats me like a princess)
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The Ostrich
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Posted:Sep 26, 2008 6:18 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2008 6:19 am 5081 Views
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man."Same," says the ostrich..
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.
"
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress..
"Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!.
"
"'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis
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Posted:Sep 26, 2008 1:32 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2024 9:33 pm 5114 Views
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Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis:
(10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
(9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
( Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
(7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
(6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
(4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
(2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a penis.....
(1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
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My Boyfriend Told Me
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Posted:Sep 26, 2008 1:26 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2024 9:33 pm 5121 Views
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My boyfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So now.....
> I have two
> boyfriends.
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Underwear
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Posted:Jul 27, 2008 1:20 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2024 9:33 pm 5147 Views
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UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!
>>
>> (If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve
a
>> tray, because you are dead.)
>> Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your
>> vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
>> Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their
car
>> break down in the parking lot.
>> The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
the
>> car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of
people
near
>> the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding
>> from under the chassis.
>> Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
>> parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment,
she
>> dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and
tucked
>> everything back into place.
>> She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She
looked
>> across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had
been
>> standing idly by.
>> The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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NEW AIRLINE RULES
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Posted:Jul 26, 2008 4:16 am
Last Updated:Jul 26, 2008 4:29 pm 5181 Views
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Don't laugh too much at this one. The way things are going now, this
might be true in a few weeks.
NEW AIRLINE RULES
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see
your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for? Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat
locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I
won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or
not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the
airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag
looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be
$10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on
assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You
need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced
to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing
fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't
believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is
there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead
fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just
insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is
provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make
change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for
my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a
lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the
lavatory.
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New Angel Holes
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Posted:Jul 9, 2008 3:51 am
Last Updated:Jul 26, 2008 4:17 am 5263 Views
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,'says St. Peter. 'You'll be and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.'
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21 Reasons Why a Woman Shouldn't Get Married ....AGAIN!!!
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Posted:May 28, 2008 2:10 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2008 2:20 pm 5273 Views
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Why do I have to get married? I didn't do anything wrong?
After you had your fairy tale wedding with the white gown, etc.....and got divorced or widowed, here's 21 reasons why you shouldn't get married again..
1. You won't lose the freedom to go where you want and when you want. You will not be accountable to anyone.
2. You wont' be in danger of being abused and running to a shelter for protection. No more silent treatment, name calling...you can never be a VICTIM ever again!
3, You will never have to worry about your partner trying to change you (You know he will once the honeymoon period is over and it will be over honey,...it won't last. He can only be good to you for so long before his selfishness shows)
4.You can avoid a life sentence of trying to please another person...you will be Jane and he will be Tarzan. You won't have to watch him beat his chest and growl every morning....and be a good girl.
5. You don't have to become a Martha Stewart, do his laundry...(thankfully you won't have his to take care of) massage his back, or cater to his mood swings.
6. You can sleep when you want to and you don't have to be on call to wake up when you are blissfully in slumber just cause he wants sex.
7. You will never need his permission to go out with the girls and party all night long...and when you come home you won't have to go through interrogation procedures or show your underwear for evidence that you've not been a "naughty girl."
8. You can look at other guyz (or have romantic encounters with them)...without he threatening you with a knife or gun and calling you all kinds of dirty names.
9. You don't have to wear a ring on your finger that is really a ball and chain and a prison bar. You have not been convicted of a crime.
10. You don't have to take a course in nursing and learn how to use a bed pan and learn how to clean it because you will never be his caregiver someday.
11. You don't have to be at his beck and call to serve him when with a warm dinner and have to hand him a cold drink as he sits on his recliner watching tv news or read the paper.
You don't have to wait in silence until he is finish and ready to talk.
12. You can have the remote control all to yoruself. You can watch what you want and change the channel when you want.
13. You can have the bed all to yourself. If you want to cuddle, you can cuddle your giant teddy bear. He will hug you all night if you want.
14. You can have all the closet space filled with your clothes and you can shop to replenish them whenever you want.
15. You can save your money and travel when you want any where you want all over the world.
16. You don't have to listen to him snore at night or fart in bed.
17. You don't have to worry if he is talking on his cell to another woman, or texting another woman, or cheating on you. You can never be the wife he cheated on.
18. You can dance, cry, smile, pout, and have PMS in peace whenever you want.
19. You don't have to fit into his schedule...you can make love when you want...lol
20. You can wear sexy outfits without him telling you to go and change your clothes.
21. You can be the best that you can be. If you want to go back to college and study till the late hours of the morning he can't stop you. You can be a STAR and not worry he'll shoot you down.
PLEASE WON'T YOU TAKE THIS ADVICE I HAND YOU LIKE A SISTER AND SAVE YOURSELF A LOT OF HEARTACHES.......YOU DON'T NEED A MAN TO COMPLETE YOU...AN OCCASIONAL TEMP ONE IS FINE...LOOK IN THE YELLOW PAGES...LOL
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People are meant to be LOVED and things are meant to be USED
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Posted:Apr 8, 2008 11:08 am
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2008 1:13 am 5547 Views
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I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', and I am sharing this with my friends on IFF. People are made to be Loved and Things are made to be Used.
There is so much confusion in this World because People are being Used and
Things are being Loved.
A Keeper
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived
barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and
Mom in a housedress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It
was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen
door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing,
eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence.
Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of
the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes
there isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to
return. So... While we have it... it's best we love it... And care for
it.... And fix it when it's broken..... And heal it when it's sick.
This is true... For marriage.... And old cars.... And with bad
report cards..... Dogs and cats with bad hips.... And aging parents.... And
grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew
up with.
There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who
are special.... And so, we keep them close!
There is so much confusion in this World because People are being Used and
Things are being Loved.
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