Why Teachers DRink...
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Posted:Jul 22, 2015 5:24 pm
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2015 7:16 am 54000 Views
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Why Teachers DRINK ...
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).
Q. Name the four seasons.
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A.. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true.)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant.)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised? (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.
(wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work.)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A.. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable.)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
(Brilliant.)
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
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cherish each MOMENT.. part 2
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Posted:Jul 6, 2015 8:36 pm
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2015 5:25 am 27562 Views
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I hope everyone will find the time to read this letter...
GEORGE CARLIN's His wife had recently died...
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways ,but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to other people....Who cares?
George Carlin
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A truly WISE GOD! and man said, IT IS GOOD!
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Posted:Jul 1, 2015 8:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2015 10:20 am 27382 Views
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On the first day, God created the and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the did?"
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat,sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks
to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch
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clean ur windows....hugss
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Posted:Jun 26, 2015 6:21 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2015 6:17 am 27386 Views
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A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? "
The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
AMEN!!!
xoxo
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think twice
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Posted:Jun 21, 2015 6:21 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2015 9:30 am 48548 Views
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In carpentry, the advice is always to measure twice before cutting.
That should apply to speaking, too.
Think twice before speaking.
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hearing aid
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Posted:Jun 8, 2015 7:38 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2015 8:37 pm 50455 Views
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An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After few weeks as he was told, the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”
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cherish each MOMENT.. it is ours..
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Posted:Jun 7, 2015 2:13 pm
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 10:39 pm 27044 Views
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What do we earn in our life? (Must read)
A man died…
When he realized it, he saw God coming closer with a
suitcase in his hand.
(Conversation between God and Dead Man )
God: Alright , it’s time to go !
Man: So soon? I had a lot of plans…
God: I am sorry but, it’s time to go.
Man: What do you have in that suitcase?
God: Your belongings .
Man: My belongings? You mean my things… Clothes…
money…
God: Those things were never yours, they belong to the
Earth
Man: Is it my memories?
God: No. They belong to Time.
Man: Is it my talent?
God: No. They belong to Circumstance.
Man: Is it my friends and family?
God: No . They belong to the Path you traveled
Man: Is it my wife and ?
God: No. they belong to your Heart.
Man: Then it must be my body.
God: No No… It belongs to Dust.
Man: Then surely it must be my Soul!
God: You are sadly mistaken . Your Soul belongs to
me.
Man with tears in his eyes and full of fear took the
suitcase from the God’s hand and opened it… EMPTY!!
With heartbroken and tears down his cheek he asks
God…
Man: I never owned anything?
God: That’s Right. You never owned anything.
Man: Then? What was mine?
God: Your MOMENTS. Every moment you lived was
yours.
******
Life is just a Moment.
LIVE IT.
LOVE IT.
ENJOY IT.
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RETIREMENT BONUS
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Posted:May 24, 2015 8:41 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2015 8:38 pm 27845 Views
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RETIREMENT BONUS..........
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hand to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my willie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received, but the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.
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