you should have balls...
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Posted:Aug 21, 2007 3:32 pm
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2008 5:50 pm 2679 Views
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let's see....how is it possible for a man to do such stupidity and blame it on women?ok...i am not being irrational...duh...so annoying but it happens...had a confrontation with my so called lover,having another lover and yet he finds it so thrilling that when i found out bout it,he just said it's all my fault....wait a minute...was i there when he starts to flirt with women online,and is it my fault if women are so naive to fall for his trap...STUPID....irresponsible and unexcusable...one thing i hated most is when people don't admit mistakes,,so what...we are all human...we can never justify our actions because one thing for sure,,,we are not programmed...you should have balls to admit things for once in your life...and for that woman who even have the guts to say that she still loves my man...get real and get lost...i can't see any reason why you would still consider him,despite the fact he told you lies and then what?huh...what's that called?love?where?how?when?here?knock,knock....mars to earth...can you hear me?guess not...well forgive me guys,,,i dont come often here to post blogs lately...i do so when i have something to say...a
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just writing...
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Posted:Aug 21, 2007 3:20 pm
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2007 10:36 pm 2452 Views
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Let the record show
We leave behind so many things, but there is a part of me trapped still over the years back in the bright moments, neon colors, of the few hours I spent with the so called life's misery...
I ate a bunch of ******,had flash floods a few days ago. I don't remember what happened that day, what was said, what was done, the ****** cleaned out my memory of it. Realization is i was grasping between life and death,and dealing the aftermath is just so frustrating. I woke up like everybody wants to isolate me,being watched like a hawk...I resented the fact that i had so much pain,hurt and one thing i knew my mind blew-out into proportions.Yes in another state of mind...as what i always say is that i wished things didn't happen but lessons are learned on that experienced. I came into that building,being shut-off from the outside world,couldn't even use my hair shampoo.flat iron such irony that i wasn't used to living and now i am at this situation that i feel like i am tortured.hey,i've learned so much though. I was sorrounded by outcasts.It stung because i never could have imagined in my whole life that i am experiencing this torment. They didn't want any of this at all.but it happened. I was mad..been crying and i could almost feel my head is going to explode and i wanted to give in.but then this young lady came,, name is faith...Yeah yeah yeah,what's in a name,offered me some goodies but i just acted like i was alright but that was awkward moments for me. Then came Larry,he's so sweet and funny..came knocking and told me that if i need anything else...just holler back at him and he's gonna come in a heartbeat. And my room mate Shannon,she's bipolar...She scared me though...scared that i'll be waking at night struggling for my life..but nah...it's all just in my mind. Did I plan any of this? I did not...It was stupid and irresponsible and i take responsibility for all of my actions. I know my Life is not perfect but one thing is I have my family who stood by me,help me cope up with the stress i am having lately. I may have hurt them,said things that I am not supposed to but at the end of the day I am certain I am coming home,with the anticipation and acceptance from everybody that people make wrong choices in life and i made one. I passed out with flashbacks, stuck to my head with the words "Love never dies, but it can be killed" . The word 'killed' was more evidently clearer than the rest of it . More jagged, rough. It made sense to me.. real sense.
So I told myself.. separate the feeling of love when you think about life and your idea of ???, and you might just be able to push that bug under boot known as 'and she lived happily ever after.'
Love won't save you.
I'm sorry.
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another day...another year...
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Posted:Aug 3, 2007 3:12 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2024 11:1 am 2484 Views
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And with this ending of this day which is my birthday by the way....hurray!!!
I relax
I let go
Of all hurt and anger
That is keeping me from my goals
I have to meet my own needs
In a way other people
Do not have the power to hurt me
I bruise so easy
I am a delicate flower
You wouldn't know it
By my tuff gurl persona,as much as i try to
But I am
Soft and sweet
Fragile at times
But today
I refresh myself
To lay down all the negative
Embrace the positive
Strive to be the greatest
Heiress I am destined to be
Held in hurt and anger,so please don't measure my temper
Only grows
So tonight
This night
I get to start over
Fresh
I let all of it go
I could of ended up
Loaded
All for what
And illusion
No
No
My friends
I am so much more the
Cc's in a syringe
I am me
Being the best
Girlfriend
Friend..hmm what else?
Soul connection
I can be
In doing so
I acknowledge the hurt
I feel it
And then tonight
This night
I breathe in
And then out
Letting all of the darkness
Silently go
This feeling is
Amazing
Thank you all for being part of my process
As I rest my head on my pillow tonight
I am free from
The Meth monkey..Do you have any idea what this is?
Just for today
I will take tomorrow
As it comes
My Blessings
My sweet loved Ones
I love you all
To everyone else who stood by me
In times of trouble
To everyone else who disappointed me
May you fulfill your purpose in life
Be the judgemental person that you can be
But you can never bring my soul down.
Another year..Another life
A new era has ended...or is it?
When there is hope...
Love....
Nothing could go wrong...
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to be or not to be married..here it goes....
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Posted:Jun 6, 2007 11:29 am
Last Updated:Aug 21, 2007 3:33 pm 2800 Views
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I am writing this blog to try and explain my take on this particular dynamic to a new friend of mine. She is having problems understanding the other side if a situation she was in. I am NOT writing this as an open forum for people to attack the married woman or the single guy. As far as I'm concerned, none of you are innocent so I will have none of that on my blog.
Now, I consider the single guy and the married woman situation special in a lot of ways. People who say that men who end up seeing a married woman are just after the pussy are wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you are just looking for some tail, married women require too much investment based upon the return......if there is any return at all. If that is all he's after, it's a complete waste of effort.
The truth is, married woman are sexy, and Im not talking about sexy in the OPP way. They are sexy because they are more focused on what they want and what they like. They don't believe in the Cinderella story anymore but they will still let you be Prince Charming. They are more accepting of who you are and your faults. Their inhibitions are gone. They understand compromise, and most of all, because they choose you. Period.
Regardless of what anyone thinks, there is no stash of unhappily married women to explore. Sometimes it just happens. Interest turns into acquaintance, turns into friendship, turns into attraction and people fall in love. Maybe they weren't even looking, but love found them. Something that completes them or something that fills a void they never knew existed appears before them.
Sometimes they are looking. They know they are unhappy and they know what they are looking for. Even though the first scenario seems nobler, in the interest of self preservation, who can blame them for trying to find happiness without destroying one or more people? It's cold and hard, but if it ain't there, it ain't there. Who wants to end up settling? Who doesn't want to find that perfect bliss? If a married woman can't be happy with her built up compromise and understanding in her current relationship, it's probably doomed anyway.
So what's going through the single guys mind? Hate him if you want but he isn't as guilty as it seems. People always seem to want to blame the guy in every situation. We are always the bad guys. If we are too intense, we are called clingy. If we are too distant, we just wanted to get laid. But usually in this situation, the man is less guilty than it may seem. He had to wait for an invite, and like a good friend of mine recently pointed out in her blog recently, at some point the woman had to invite him in.
There is always a threshold. A threshold where she made it known to him that it was okay to love her. A place where she could have stopped it if she had wanted to.
He is probably in love, or at least feels very strongly about her. Plus, he is probably a little insane. He'd have to be to subject himself to this situation because in the end, and he knows this, chance are he loses. How does he know his feelings and efforts will ever result in anything? It is ten times more likely for a man to leave a woman than vice-versa. Women are creatures of comfort and security. In the end, we know how powerful of a hold your families have on you. You may leave, but you are likely to go back. If you even leave at all. Falling for a married woman, even if she invites you to, is one of the easiest heartbreaks available to men.
You think it's hard to get into a man's mind before, try with this guy. He is expecting to get hurt and is probably guarding his feelings like the gold at Fort Knox. If you really want this to flourish, you need to be patient with him because he has no idea what is going on. No one ever sat us down when we were and told us how to date a married woman. He is expecting to get hurt.
I have even heard of guys turning somewhat cold after she does leave her husband and I know why. Most single men aren't prepared for a woman to show up on his doorstep with luggage and possibly in tow. Its not that he doesn't care; he has just been invaded with a situation that he doubted would ever happen.
How long did it take for her marriage to turn sour, and how quickly did it take to find him? Life changes need just a little time. Anybody would have to be slightly nervous of a situation like that. She knows all of her husbands faults, but very little of his. Remember, he was courting her. Sure he seems awesome, but he has his problems like every other man. The point is, just because she gave up her security and comfort to follow her heart, she is silly to expect it to be replaced instantly.
I will end with a little rant in defense of all people who risk it all to find that "thing". John chapter 8 verse 32 is a good life quote for the religious and nonreligious. "And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." Everybody has heard this but one early translation had this verse as, "And you shall own the truth and your truth shall make you free." To me, this means that for your truth to set you free, you must own it, make that leap of faith, follow your heart, and do the unthinkable to finally be free.
Please understand that I am not defending or attacking either. I have been around the block too many times to ever judge anyone.
Have a great day friends.
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life..life...life
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Posted:Jun 5, 2007 8:16 am
Last Updated:Aug 8, 2007 11:09 am 2639 Views
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I have had a long emotional day. Let's just say that the emotions are running high and mighty today, rampant. I sat outside digging and planting on my little tiny stool. Sat upright and felt the breeze across my face, listened to the movement of God through the trees, felt His touch, felt His presence and my conscience says,
"What are you doing? (you crazy woman)" And, I say, "Shsssshh quiet, I am listening to the wind, it's just beautiful, the sound of it....." And, i move on, oblivious to the sounds, the movement, the leaves tangling with each movement.
I was touched today, this morning, by soldiers on the news first and then cancer, again, later. Todd.
He has cancer and decides to stop taking any medication. Decides to stop.
And, I say to myself, I probably wouldn't even have started. I probably wouldn't have the fight in me to even get as far as he has, his second round with this retched disease. And, I understand. I don't want to be selfish and ask him to stick around, but I did. I did, because it was expected of me. Though, I do not know this man, I do not know- KNOW- this man, just his page on this place, but I feel the love surrounding him, I feel the warmth of his friends, I feel the energy of the ones that want him to stick around and fight this thing, to live.
To live.
Who are we to know what it feels like to have this thing. Who are we to say,
fight. Fight Todd, Fight, we want you around.
And, then, my friend who is in the middle of her chemo is back at work, says, her hair is almost gone now. She says, it's gross,
hair everywhere.
And, numb legs from the chemo.
And, I know, I remember her saying how disgusted she was that they would
poison her.
To kill another poison in her body.
And, I get angry again, angry at this shit that destroys, this shit that takes lives.
And, so my day has been long. I sit here on my couch, in my air conditioned living room, on this day...and more days to come....
And, so it goes..... Safe. We are safe, loved & relaxed -
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i just want to be her.....
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Posted:Jun 1, 2007 5:26 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2007 8:06 am 2566 Views
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sometimes, i want to be her, the one that took chances, the one that had people all around her to take care of her, the one with bestfriends.
sometimes, i want to be her, the one that lived without bills, the one that counted change to go to clubbing, the one that lived and breathed music.
sometimes, i want to be the one that lived on the streets every night that she could with that had a rotten life and didn't know better.
sometimes, i want to be a virgin and try it all over again, the right way this time.
sometimes, i want to be that woman that lived without worrying about anybody, because i never cared back then, didn't care at all.
sometimes, i want to be her, the one that so angry at nothing and everything at the same time, but full of love underneath.
sometimes, i want to be her, you know, her 20 years ago. Her, waiting to be 21, her wanting everything out of life, but really she didn't expect it.
sometimes, i just want to be her and start all over again, but i can't.
sometimes, i wonder how far i have come, or have I?
sometimes, i love so much that it feels empty and alone.
sometimes, even at this age, i sometimes wonder what love and life really are?
sometimes, i am just too tired and full of shit to even make any sense at all
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here i lay myself to sleep....
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Posted:May 24, 2007 8:01 am
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2007 11:17 am 2751 Views
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From 4:27 AM to 7:50 AM I lay motionless in my bed, too exhausted to think about anything at all. Three blankets were piled up around me.I couldn't sleep but i was entirely exhausted.So exhausted that i couldn't and didn't even want to think!Every few minutes a thought would blink into existence and i would shut it down,part voluntarily,part a simple reaction from my brain.I have been fairly active for 14 hrs.my brain and body needed a break but didn't get it.i wished i can force myself to take charge of my bodily function,i wished i will drop dead into a coma-like state of mind for the rest of my life.i felt a sudden gush of sadness,realizing that what i have always hope and wished for is slipping through my hands and it is inevitable,i have no more control except my lucid thoughts that's been bothering me,killing me slowly as i randomly think of the possibilities that people has been playing fool out of me.it took a while for me to come to my senses that a person like me would end up happy,it's all just a fairy tale,and no matter how hard i try i would end up miserable in both ways...i rest my case...whoever gets to read this be glad...
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didn't i tell you?
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Posted:May 24, 2007 7:55 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2007 9:09 pm 2676 Views
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Nobody told you when you started loving that it was okay not to fall for every man that paid attention to you. Nobody told you that it was alright to be alone, to not have a boyfriend, to just fall in love with yourself. Nobody told you that you are fine the way that you are. Nobody told you that men wanted only to have sex when you are 16, that men just wanted your body and to know what it felt like to touch a girl. Not everyone of them, no, not every boy, but most wanted to get some experience with a girl. Nobody told you that you could love yourself and only yourself and it would be okay. That it was just fine to be without a boy, to be without a longing for a boy, to be with your girl friends and not feel alone because they all had boys and you are without one. I always had a boy. I was always with someone and when I wasn't, I found one quick to latch onto, to obsess about, to run after, to long for, to be with and then when I got him, it never made it better, it only made me want more. Nobody told me. I wish they had. I wish they had, I don't think I would have believed them, I didn't have enough self-esteem to be alone, I didn't have enough courage to go it alone. I didn't have enough love. I surely didn't have enough love around me to feel loved, to feel like I was someone special, to feel like I was a wonderfully strong woman that needed only to depend on herself and noone else. I wish they would have. I think I would have made a lot of different choices. I would have made some smarter choices. I would have made choices that were only for me and didn't include that man that I was with.
I am not saying that I would change my past. I am just saying, I would have made smarter choices if I knew then what I know now. I would have been a better person to my friends. I wouldn't have drank so much alcohol, so much. I wouldn't have pushed so hard. I wouldn't have disrespected so much. I would have loved openly without it being so hard. I would have loved. But, nobody told me it was okay to be myself. That I was it all alone.
I think of these things when I see my young friend and her longing for men. Her longing to have someone love her for her and I tell her, I love you, you are perfect, because she is and I want her to know. I want her to know that she is so loved. That she is it all alone, that she is a strong woman, she just has to be. I tell her that longing for a man is okay as long as you are okay with being yourself, alone, quiet and at peace with who you are because until you are, you will not be happy with any man. They will swallow you up and try to change you and you don't want a man like that.
Love and respect yourself. I wish I would have been told. Maybe I didn't listen?
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nonsense....
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Posted:May 21, 2007 6:12 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2007 8:02 pm 2690 Views
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i am a little bit on a downside today.i don't know what and how to feel towards the situation,seems like i am incoherent and yet i struggle to persuade my conscious mind that everything is in place.I'm not trying to make any sense and I will further confuse you by placing random paragraphs within the jumbles with no apparent reason.i know there's a reason for this,there's a reason for everything.there's a reason why i am sitting in front of my computer typing this out,a small voice whispering in the back of my mind "I hope no one ever reads this." Well that voice has been wiped into temporary submission.when i am angry,hurting and depress i get to express and write what i truly feel.i am releasing who i am and what i am made of and i realized people find it hard to accept and they think it is not a good virtue.but who can justify their deeds and actions?i am tired of this spinning a round in circles.how do i stopped this so called routine(life) when all that i longed and wanted far from my imagination is slipping away.i have no control over it,neither my fainted heart is just willing to give in.i dont want to think that i am aiming for physical situations or mental psychosis.resentment is what i need less from you...wishing and hoping,pray???i don't know.. Running the gauntlet into hell is no easy task and I must say the recognition for it is a bit lacking.. I speak from personal experience but eventually you realize recognition is entirely unimportant unless you have taken that path and chosen another path where you sweep around out overlooking the path and try and explain it to others. hmmm? Recognition isn't necessary in any ego sense, just a hope for heads taking in the words so my words like my hands can grip them by the shoulder blades and toss them down that dark path which is UNDERSTANDING.
self...have a nice trip....
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just....
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Posted:May 18, 2007 9:06 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2007 9:07 pm 2494 Views
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I am so in awe of what some of you have been through, gone through, lived through, and made it to where you are now.
It is most inspiring to take a life that was turned upside down and turn it back around, positively.
To realize that where you are going, today, in your life is for the better; that you are going to affect the people around you positively because the light that shines around you is so bright that they cannot help but stick around and learn what you have learned.
That the love that you show is not only physical, but it comes through you spiritually with words and actions and writing that attracts the ones that need to hear it.
You share. You enlighten. You bring with you a sense of belonging right where you are and you know that with kindness all good things come.
The phrase, "ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE" rings true when you put these lives into perspective- when the stories are shared and the words make sense with the personality.
I come here and read and I am a better person or, as Jack Nicholson says, "You make me want to be a better man/woman." (perhaps one of the best lines in a movie of all time!!) On days like the one I had yesterday-
You lift me up.
Thanks- (and I so do apologize for my negativism yesterday)
One day at a time.
(can someone hand me a tissue please!
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