You've read over and over again that a man worries about having and keeping an erection. But do you really know what that means? Can a woman possibly imagine having an uncontrollable, vulnerable-and measurable!- organ outside outside her body moving of its own volition? Sometimes it shoots up when you don't want it to, and sometimes the damn thing won't budge, no matter how much you pry that it will.
A woman cannot simply know how it feels to have to perform, to visibly have erection-it's close to in conceivable for us. Yet, if you ever hear a man honestly express the fear and the shame and the helplessness it can cost him, you can't help but see him in another light- a much more compassionate one.
His penis is independent of him, he has no say whatsoever in its behavior. He's at the mercy of his external, exposed piece of flesh. And his experience has to shape the fears he has and the ways he tries to hide them- and the ways he deals with women.
Perhaps the most unwitting sexual mistake a woman can make is to underestimate the terror-that is the appropriate word- every man feels at times about the many uncertainties of his ungovernable organ. His penis, as we've heard again and again through these pages, is tied in his masculine ego. What women can so easily forget is that the two are braided together in the same way that sex and love are intertwined for us.
When men seem sexually inexplicable, or when they retreat, or when they appear insensitive or callous, what they could well be suffering from the physical and emotional gridlock that comes from performance anxiety. Under such a condition, very few men can tell you what's bothering them because they feel they are exposing their ultimate inadequacy. there's no such comparable physical experience for women. ( A frigid woman may not feel any physical pleasure, but it is not necessary for her to perform.)
If a man who says he has a headache or is overworked or who claims he just wants to watch a TV may be afraid he won't be able to get it up. He's too anxious to tell his wife or girlfriend, but even more basic is that he certainly doesn't want to admit the possibility of failure to himself.
Note the word "failure," not being able to have an erection is equated with falling short of, being defeated, being deficient, inadequate. Consider having to face this set of emotions every time you set out to do something that should be enjoyable. Women too can feel failure in not achieving orgasm but some do save face by faking. A man has no such refuge.
Performance anxiety can lead disastrously quickly to temporary erection problems, and from there it can careen to chronic impotence. I've tried to emphasize the fears every man has at one time or another with performance anxiety because, in acknowledging this, women can more readily understand the delicacy of sexual activity for men. We tend to think of males as rough, randy, and perpetually ready. This largely a fantasy-for both sexes- and one that we should put to rest. A woman who is aware of and empathizes with a man's sexual functioning is always going to be the better lover. TO BE CONTINUED...
Not understanding or subscribing to the surrender switch" is another sexual "mistake" a great many women make.
In bygone days women surrender to men, they gave up their hearts, their souls, their vanity. A man may crave a woman who makes moves, who makes love to him, who's aggressive when he wants her to be; but in truth, most men want a woman to surrender to them fully and completely in the sexual act.
Some men described women who do this as being capable of "complete abandonment," other men say that they hesitate admitting that they like to be the "dominant" one but that's what they do want, others will concede that they ultimately enjoy a "compliant" woman. The woman who acknowledges the concept of sexual surrender fills a man's ego need for conquest and power.
Women today are finally beginning to feel increasingly independent and equal in the workplace and in a wide range of other areas such as sports, politics, and the arts. Thus, it becomes singularly difficult to make a switch from liberated female to surrendering mate-even though it can and does entail exquisite physical and emotional pleasure for both partners. You're expected to be one person in the office and behind the wheel of a car, but in the bedroom many woman made the mistake of disdaining the age-old role of the woman who gives and receives but ultimately surrenders herself to her mate.
The surrender switch is hard and may take some searching dialogue about your sense of feminine self of lovemaking; but if you aren't able to surrender-body and soul- to him, you can bet that the odds of non monogamy are going to increase sharply. If you want a monogamous relationship, giving your man what he needs as what counts, and he needs to feel that he has you completely.
The woman who's in bed with a man and holds back because of fear or anxiety about her own performance or, for example, her ability to have an orgasm or multiple orgasms, or the woman who begins to think about the children, the problems at the office, or her mother-in-law's latest unkind cut, cannot abandon herself to making love and cannot surrender herself to her mate because she's not really present sexually or emotionally. She's holding back from him by whirling around her own anxieties and problems and those of others. Making a man feel you're totally involved, absolutely abandonment to the pleasures of the moment with him- you're wholly surrendering yourself to him-enhances his masculinity, thereby fulfilling one of those all-important basic ego needs.TO BE CONTINUED...
If you're an executive, manager, or a team leader, you should encourage the rest of your team to think about how things could be done better. Hearing others' ideas before expressing your own not only encourages others to think for themselves, but it also pay off in a happier, more unified team and more forward progress.
Not every new idea is a good one, of course, but some of the best ideas hatched from the lesser ones. Nothing squelches creativity worse than a quick rejection, so treat each idea with respect, even if it's not exactly what's needed at the time.
Your greatest asset is your people, and their greatest potential is in higher collective thinking, so encourage more of that.
"Thinking outside the box" is really just a new term for being creative. Even the coining of that term was an act of creativity, and it's a good word picture.
Also, what I learned is when I teamed up with God he helped me not only thinking outside the box-but out of this world as well!
If timing, or lack of it, is one of the basic sex mistakes, movement is another area men are quick to point out as problematic. Their secret? They all moved. In other words these women knew when, how, and where to be active.
Most men feel that it's the surprise or the unexpectedness of a woman wanting to take over that provides particularly delicious sexual fission, but most women find the take-control situation confusing and anxiety provoking.
Just how active should I be? is what women are asking themselves and their therapist when it comes to sex. In a world where men seem to be in increasingly short supply, and women want and need monogamous relationships to succeed, the most realistic and effective advice is this:
If you are unclear- and great many of us are-as to what is " too aggressive or too assertive" on the sexual front, keep the following in mind:
1. Men are being honest when they say they want women to be active sexually-but they only want this some of the time.
2. Men want to think that they, the men, are allowing women to take the lead.
The second point is subtle but critical: A woman who initiates, but at the same time lets the man feel he is ultimately calling the sexual shots, generates a feeling of power and potency in him- a feeling universally responded to by males. TO BE CONTINUED....
" A lot of women are making sex mistakes, " one man told me bluntly when we were talking about how a woman could satisfy a man sexually.
Men will very often say things like" women don't understand about sex," they're not interested enough,"they get too involved with emotions,""they're too passive." or, they might say women are making "mistakes" in the sensual area.
If women are in deed in any way blundering sexually it seems we're still misunderstanding one of a man's basic ego needs and for sure you wanted to know all about it.
BAD TIMING:
Taking time and making time are the two problems that come up most often as men(and women) talk about sexual problems and stumbling blocks.
Time, as we all too well know, is harder and harder to come by as children, jobs, and the bills make ever soaring demands on us, but taking time to make love is the experts all agree, crucial to the health of an intimate relationship.
Just like this, before marriage, you stopped loading the dish washer if patted by your husband on the bottom. Now that your married you would pay more attention in dish washing and will make him sexually dry. You don't make time for him.
So many men said that their wives would drop everything in order to make love before they were married and then, wham, instant accessibility was a forgotten dream, as soon as the wedding ceremony was over.
"she couldn't wait to get it. We'd be having dinner with friends, and the minute they'd leave we'd head for the bedroom or fall on the sofa," recalls another man. But all the sexual charge faded as he realized that the dishes were more important than he was, he added nostalgically and resentfully. Read his words and his prelude to the infidelity and remember that gracious sexual access can do a great deal to stop it.
If making time to make love is important, equally fundamental is taking time. It's fascinating as well as instructive to hear men repeatedly describe women who are "great lovers" as the ones who take time.
Ironically, much has been made of the fact that men do not spend enough time making love to women, but the reverse is often the case. A man who began having an affair with a colleague that ended in break up with his wife and eventual marriage to the other woman explained that " when we were doing oral sex, I felt as if she wanted to do it to infinity. A moment would come when I wanted to be inside her, but she wouldn't let me and that made it even maddeningly better. Finally, we would end up together, but she took her own sweet time about it because she knew that that was a terrific turn-on for me." He went on to describe his marriage where " even though my wife wanted it to last. I let her know this wasn't good for me, but she never seemed to take it into her head how important sex was in my makeup, so it was something squeezed in between other things that had to be done. We always seemed to be racing to find out who could come first. I don't think its shocking that I looked for slow, pleasurable, relaxed sex somewhere else. TO BE CONTINUED...
putting his happiness before your own; being supportive; always having a good word to say behind his back; never gossiping or spreading untruths about him; helping him make the right choices, being a positive influence, and helping him stand up for the right and resist temptation; wanting only the best for him, and doing what you can to make it happen; always being willing to hear him out; speaking the truth in love, even when you know it will hurt; not criticizing or labeling him; building him up; helping him reach his goals and be all he can be; lending prayerful words of advice; never giving up on him; pointing him to Gods words for answers to his questions and problems; treating him the way you would want to be treated; not jumping to conclusions, but taking time to understand him and communicate on a deep level; sticking up for him when others turn against him. picking him up when he falls; striving to be the good example he needs to see;and allowing yourself to be an instrument of Gods love.
It takes faith and optimism to be able to look past other's shortcomings and see what they could become. This is a gift, and one that a lot more people could have if they would only ask God for it.
The more you look for the good in people, the more you will find. It's like the saying, "Tell him he's wonderful and he will be wonderful. Tell her she's beautiful and she will be beautiful." If you have a positive attitude that shows you have faith in someone, that person will probably try to live up to your expectations.
If you focus on a person's bad habit or trait, it gradually takes on such importance that it eventually eclipses anything good about quality, you will discover other good things.
A person may have twenty faults for every good quality, but everyone has some good qualities. If you can't think of one right off, keep at it. Find something praiseworthy, no matter how small or inconsequential it may seem compared to the person's faults. Or if you really can't, ask God or someone else to help you find something. Determine to appreciate that person for that one good quality, and you will bring out his or her other good quality, and you will bring out his or her other good qualities. Before long, the good will outweigh the bad and your relationship with that person will be more positive and fruitful.
Once you look for the good in one person, you will more easily find the good in others. And it's catching. Pretty soon others will view you as a happy, positive person who is nice to be around.
When someone does something special for you, doesn't it makes you feel loved?
You can do the same to others-and I'm not just talking about giving a gift on a special occasion to a special someone, although that can be wonderful too. I'm referring to the little things that you can do for anyone, anytime, for no other reason than because you care-things that may cost you little or nothing but could mean the world to those on the receiving end. Thoughtful gestures, especially when they are least expected, have a wonderful way of brightening people's days. They convey,"You are special."
Charity begins at home, but it shouldn't stop there. Try extending to others the kind of love and thoughtfulness you show your loved ones, and watch what a difference that can make. Take a personal interest in those you see regularly but don't really know-the checkout clerk, the waiter, the repairman, the receptionist. Ask about their health, their families, or their day, and then act on what they tell you. Offer to pray for their sore back or sick child, and remember to ask for an update the next time your paths cross. Remember birthdays with a note or special greeting. Offer to stand in for a workmate so he can leave a little early on his anniversary-and that will make his wife happy now!
God can show you countless little things you can do for others to show them they count. What are we waiting for?
To make progress or grow in any area, people have to have a challenge, something to strive for, a goal. They need to be stretched beyond what they've done before-and you can help with this.
Many people become so discouraged by their mistakes and failures that they lower their sights or stop trying altogether. When they do that, it's almost certain they won't go as far as they could. But when someone comes along and expresses faith in them and tells them they shouldn't be bound by yesterday's failures, it can inspire them to try again.
It's like helping a baby take his first steps. You know he will fall many times as he learns to walk, but you know he will walk sooner or later and you want to see him succeed, so you encourage him. You make positive comments to boost his confidence so he will keep trying. When it seems too difficult to him, you help him, and you're there to catch him when he falls.
Once more, it comes down to love. If you love others you'll want to give them all the help and encouragement they need to succeed.
Merry Christmas And a HAppy new Year
