Lecture on Ghosts Aug 3, 2008 12:29 am 222 Views A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?" About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?" One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said goats." 2 Comments

Give Up Drugs Aug 3, 2008 12:25 am 201 Views Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, 'This small circle is your asshole before prison....'" 1 comment

Glad To Be A Woman Jul 29, 2008 7:14 pm 203 Views I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me To have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep Then sc**w you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see You can forget all about that old p***s envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my d**k I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! JOKE... JOKE...JOKE!!! 1 comment

Are Computers Male or Female? Jul 29, 2008 6:23 pm 210 Views As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!") Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. 2 Comments

Class Question Jul 24, 2008 11:27 pm 223 Views Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Samson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed." 1 comment

Geography of a Man and a Woman (Joke) Jul 13, 2008 9:06 am 251 Views THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by a prick. 3 Comments

What Exactly is a "HATER" Jul 13, 2008 2:19 am 320 Views What Exactly is a 'Hater'? A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall. They are very negative people to say the least. Nothing is ever good enough! When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters. . . That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams with because some folk can't handle seeing you blessed... It's dangerous to be like somebody else... If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right? You never know what people have gone through to get what they have... The problem we have with haters is that they see our glory, but they don't know our story... If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too! We've all got some haters among us! Some people envy you because you: * Have a relationship with God * Light up a room when you walk in * Start your own business * Tell a man /woman to hit that curb (if he/she isn't about the right thing) * Raise your children without both parents being in the home * Haters can't stand to see you happy * Haters will never want to see you succeed * Haters never want you to get the victory Most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side. How do you handle your undercover haters? You can handle these haters by: * Knowing who you are and who your true friends are (VERY IMPORTANT!!) * Having a purpose to your life * Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you. * By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation. Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live...when its your time to leave this earth, you 'want' to be able to say, 'I've lived my life and fulfilled 'my' dreams,... Now I'm ready to go HOME! When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, 'Don't look at me....Look at Who is in charge of me...' Pass this to all of your family and friends who you know are not hating on you including the person who sent it to you. If you don't get it back, maybe you called somebody out! Don't worry about it, it's not your problem, it's theirs. Just pray for them, that their life can be as fulfilled as yours! Watch out for Haters................... BUT most of all don't become a HATER! 2 Comments

A Love For Real Jul 12, 2008 6:42 am 246 Views I fell romantic tonight.. I've never known someone like you You are just so good and kind I can't get you off my mind I want you to always be mine. Are you hearing what I say? I want to be with you everyday I don't want you to go away With you, I want to stay. I am saying, that I love you Do you really love me, too? You hold and hug me tight When you do it feels, so right. I want to feel your lips on mine I want to be with you all the time The thought of me with you Makes the sky a brighter blue. I love you with a love, so true I hope you feel that way, too I want you to know how I feel I want a love that is for real. 1 comment

Three Wishes Jun 30, 2008 5:28 pm 287 Views One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay." 5 Comments

The Strength of a Man Jun 28, 2008 9:51 am 304 Views The strength of a man, isn't seen in the width of his shoulders. It's seen in the width of his arms that circle you.... The strength of a man, isn't in the deep tone of his voice. It's in the gentle, words he whispers.... The strength of a man, isn't how many buddies he has. It's how good a buddy, he is with his kids... The strength of a man, isn't in how respected he is at work. It's in how respected, he is at home.... The strength of man, isn't in how hard he hits. It's in how tender, he touches.... The strength of a man, isn't in the hair on his chest. It's in his heart, that lies within his chest.... The strength of a man, isn't how many women he has loved. It's in can he be, true to one woman.... The strength of a man, isn't in the weight he can lift. It's in the burdens, he can carry.... 6 Comments

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