A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
"Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"
..God took the fragrance of a flower, ...The majesty of a tree, ....The gentleness of morning dew, .....The calm of a quiet sea, ......The beauty of a twilight hour, .......The soul of a starry night ........The laughter of the rippling brook, .........The grace of a bird in flight, ..........Then God fashioned from these things ...........A creation like no other, ............And when His masterpiece was through, .............He called it simply...MOTHER.
“Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought.” - Henri L. Bergson
“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.” - Helen Keller
“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” - Josh Billings
“Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there” - Will Rogers
“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” - Mahatma Gandhi
“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” - Christopher Columbus
“To a brave man, good and bad luck are like his left and right hand. He uses both.” - St Catherine of Siena
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we took so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened up for us” - Helen Keller
“We don't see the things the way they are. We see things the way WE are.” - Talmund
“Every problem has in it the seeds of its own solution. If you don't have any problems, you don't get any seeds.” - Norman Vincent Peale
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” - Dr Wayne Dayer
“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” - Theodore Rubin
“Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.” - Anonymous
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” - Thomas A Edison
“Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting” - Elizabeth Bibesco
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.” - B. Olatunji
“When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.” - Franklin D Roosevelt
“Your attitude, not your aptitude, determines your altitude.” - Zig Ziglar
“If you're going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill
“The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching.” - Dennis Green
“Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.” - Muhammad Ali
“Most of the important things in the world have been accompanied by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” - Dale Carnegie
“So many of our dreams at first seems impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.” - Christopher Reeve
“Hard work spotlights the character of people. Some turn up their sleeves. Some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.” - Sam Ewing
“There are those who work all day. Those who dream all day. And those who spend an hour dreaming before setting to work to fulfill those dreams. Go into the third category because there's virtually no competition.” - Steven J Ross
“Our greatest glory is never in failure, but in rising every time we fall.” - Confucious
“Many of life's failures are people who had not realized how close they were to success when they gave up.” - Thomas A Edison
“The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.” - Stephen Covey
“Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things.” - Peter Drucker
“Do you know what happens when you give a procrastinator a good idea? Nothing!” - Donald Gardner
“Success is what you attract by the person you become.” - Jim Rohn
“You have to ‘Be' before you can ‘Do' and ‘Do' before you can ‘Have'. - Zig Ziglar
“You can have everything in life that you want if you will just help enough other people to get what they want.” - Zig Ziglar
“The test we must set for ourselves is not to march alone but to march in such a way that others wish to join us.” - Hubert Humphrey
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus when the limo breaks down.” - Oprah Winfrey
“Formal education will make you a living. Self education will make you a fortune.” - Jim Rohn
“It isn't what the book costs. It's what it will cost you if you don't read it.” - Jim Rohn
“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi
“The future has several names. For the weak, it is the impossible. For the fainthearted, it is the unknown. For the thoughtful and valiant, it is the ideal.” - Victor Hugo
“There is nothing more genuine than breaking away from the chorus to learn the sound of your own voice.” - Po Bronson
“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” - Waldo Emerson
“Use what talents you possess, the woods will be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.” - Henry van Dyke
“Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” - Bertrand Russell
“History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.” - Winston Churchill
“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life's about creating yourself.” - George Bernard Shaw
“Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vintage point.” - Harold B Melchart
“The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goals to reach.” - Benjamin Mays
“More often in life, we end up regretting the chances in life that we had, but didn't take them, than those chances that we took and wished we hadn't.” - Anonymous
“An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie, for an excuse is a lie guarded.” - Pope John Paul I
“Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don't wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don't wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom.” - Earl Shoaf
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!" says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
