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Redneck Slang Nov 23, 2008 4:55 am 354 Views "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style." "This'll jar your preserves." "Cute as a sack full of puppies." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." "Gooder than grits." "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot." "A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off." "When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count." "If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats." "A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor." "She's uglier than homemade soap." "Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'." "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead" "I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit." 3 Comments

Control Nov 23, 2008 4:52 am 311 Views There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." 0 Comments

Payday Party Nov 23, 2008 4:41 am 299 Views A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. 0 Comments

TYPES OF SEX Nov 23, 2008 4:37 am 357 Views SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" //////////////////////////////////////////// LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" //////////////////////////////////////////// QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" //////////////////////////////////////////// CONFOUNDED SEX: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". //////////////////////////////////////////// WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" //////////////////////////////////////////// WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you." 4 Comments

Stupid Questions Nov 23, 2008 4:25 am 207 Views People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw You! What good is a friggin cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there. What did you come here for? People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy? When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, you friggin pulled me over. When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever friggin does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer than life? When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one damn piece of paper! When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole! 0 Comments

JOE'S OPERATION Nov 23, 2008 4:23 am 246 Views Joe goes to the doctor for his terrible headaches. The doctor said, ’Joe, the good news is I can cure your severe headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates your terrible constant headaches. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’ Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need …. a new suit.’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’ The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ’Let’s see … size 44 long.’ Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’ ‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ’How about a new shirt?’ Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’ The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’ Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’ ‘Been in the business 60 years.’ Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’ Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’ The salesman said, ‘Let’s see … size 36.’ Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 brief since I was 18 years old.’ The salesman shook his head, ’You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache’ New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second opinion - PRICELESS 2 Comments

The Perfect Evening Nov 23, 2008 4:18 am 189 Views Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished - something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!" 0 Comments

Cab Driver Nov 23, 2008 4:06 am 198 Views A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered. "C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver. After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?" "Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?" 0 Comments

A Night Out With Dave Nov 23, 2008 4:01 am 176 Views Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!" 1 comment

Joke: NO NURSING HOME FOR ME Nov 23, 2008 3:53 am 85 Views About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home". So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. PS. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge. 0 Comments

 lavender3704

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