Alligator Shoes Jun 28, 2008 9:43 am 239 Views A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" 1 comment

Not My Drink Jun 28, 2008 9:34 am 256 Views There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..." 3 Comments

A Real Cowboy Jun 28, 2008 6:19 am 201 Views An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." 0 Comments

Additional Tips....! Jun 28, 2008 6:15 am 224 Views * Try thinking of a creative vow and write it down. Make it something like: I vow to give at least one compliment to someone each day and I’ll try to control my anger by counting in my head before reacting. * If you have problems saying your feelings and opinions to other people, learn the techniques of self-assertion, rather than using anger or avoidance by holding your feelings and thoughts inside you. * Take up a spiritual practice. Research shows that people who meditate have a somewhat detached approach to the problems of this life, and are calmer, happier and more contented than usual. Turning to a higher power, closing your eyes and thinking of artistic images, doing deep breathing, etc. can give you a sense of peace. * Try to make someone else happy and you will feel happy for achieving something! * Research suggests that happy people have a simple mental strategy towards life. When they think about something good that happened to them, they explore how they personally contributed to that good feeling and feel happy about themselves. * Listen to music that makes you feel good. When you wake up, put on some uplifting / upbeat music. * Be honest with yourself. Is there something that is keeping you from being happy - an addiction, a bad habit, or insecurity? Acknowledge it carefully first - then take action to change it! * Smile! It’s contagious and takes less effort than frowning. Stressing about things out of your control rarely makes things ‘better’. * Get the correct amount of sleep every night. This varies depending on age, gender and exercise - but too little or too much is hard on your body. Practice good sleep hygiene * When you receive a compliment from others, accept it and say “thank you”, with a smile. * The true key to happiness is acceptance - learning to be grateful for what you have. A lot of people know it but don’t keep it in their minds. Comparing your life with others is dangerous. Accept the gifts you have and know that no one is better than or less than anyone else. * Make new friends and communicate with them. Talk to them about your life and Listen to them talk about their life. * Get out of the house - hang out with positive people, do something outdoors, visit a park… Variation in your routine will break up monotony and relieve boredom. * Even in the most terrible times, do not turn to alcohol, drugs, internet, or anything else that is addictive, abusive to the health of you or others. Bad habits grow like weeds - they are easy to get, but hard to get rid of. Many addictive ’solutions’ can make your problems much worse. * Keep a “Gratitude Journal”. Every day write down a few things that you are thankful for and then review what you have written in past entries. It’s a great way to remind yourself to be thankful for what you have and to boost your mood! For extra challenge, find creative ways to give back to these situations or people. * Remember a happy thought is ‘creative’ and ‘powerful’. A negative thought ‘destroys’ and reduces power. Find out where you would rather keep your mind. * Create something: some artwork, make a scrapbook of pictures, sing your heart out, dance manically until your feet and body give way or perhaps cook a delicious meal for people you love. * Learn how to feel and experience all your different senses in the best possible way: sight, sound, taste, touch, smell (relaxation & ‘full minded’ meditation practice). * It is always good to live in the moment-if you have a big stresser coming up, you may be really worked up about it. For example, if you are at Cedar Point for the day, but are too worried that you failed your Algebra exam, you may be too nervous to enjoy your ride on the Raptor. Just put off worrying until you have access to your grades. Often times you get too worked up about it and realize that you got a B. * Never ever be bored: always have something to do, somebody to talk to or hang out with. Listen to music and dance your heart out. Live your life the way you want to. Not somebody elses version of living, but instead, your own. Be yourself, no matter what. That’s the most important thing. 2 Comments

What is Happiness? Jun 28, 2008 5:52 am 187 Views *****HAPPINESS BEGINS FROM WITHIN!***** If you don’t accept what you have or who you are, then you will never be truly happy with anyone else. Be happy and stay happy! 0 Comments

10 Ways to Live Longer! Jun 28, 2008 5:48 am 248 Views Eventually, we will all have to leave this earthly life behind us. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t maximize the time you have here. Backed by studies, here are some proven tips to extend your life: 1. Sleep Well. Don’t oversleep or be sleep deprived. According to a February 2002 study in the Archives of General Psychiatry people sleeping more than 8 hours per day had a significantly higher death rate than normal. That doesn’t mean that you deprive yourself either. People sleeping less than 4 hours also had a high death rate. People who slept between 6 and 7 hours lived the longest. 2. Be Positive. According to August 2002 issue of Mayo Clinic Proceedings, people who had a positive outlook as appose to pessimists had a 50% decrease risk of early death. Those who are positive about life handle stress and life situations better. Optimists also have lower blood pressure which is the result how they react to stress and adversities. 3. Have More Spousal Sex. Couples who do are generally less stressed, happier, and better rested. All these factors contribute to a lower blood pressure reading. An April 2004 Journal of the American Medical Association found that “high ejaculation frequency was related to decreased risk of total prostate cancer.” Cheating has the opposite effect, as it will definitely add more stress to you life. Stress = shorter life so stay faithful. 4. Have a Pet. People with dogs were shown to require less visits to their physicians. This could be due to fact that owning pets tends to decrease loneliness and depression, encouraging laughing and exercise. According to a study lead be Erica Friedmann heart attack victims who have pets live 12% longer than the people that did not. 5. Get a VAP Test. Cholesterol tests to detect heart disease has shown to be not as reliable as you may think. Half of all heart attack victims shows normal levels of cholesterol. A better test to take is the VAP test developed by the Birmingham, Ala.-based lab Atherotech. They have shown to detect 90% of heart attack disease patients. It’s important to get this test early as heart disease is cumulative, and often could be managed or corrected more easily at early stages. This is a simple blood test that could be done at most doctors’ offices. 6. Be Rich. Easily said than done right? If you don’t fit this category, strive for it. Keep your finances in check and don’t overspend. Money problems will add stress, which will shorten your life. It will also limit your access to life extending tools. Never less, The National Center for Health Statistics shows that 24% of families with income below $20,000 are “limited” by chronic disease. Whereas, only 6% of families with an income above $75,000 are affected. Possible explanations could be the fact that the rich have better access to health care, food, housing, and safer neighborhoods. 7. Stop Smoking. This one is obvious. According to findings from a study that appeared in the July 2003 issue of Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers and Prevention, middle age men who are long term heavy smokers, are at a higher risk of developing aggressive forms of prostate cancer than men who have never smoked. The Archives of Gerontology and Geriatrics study also states that cigarette smoking has been clearly linked to the most common causes of death in the elderly. The study states “Smoking is–for all but some exceptional subjects–incompatible with successful aging and compromises life expectancy even in extreme longevity,”. 8. Subdue Your Anger. Angry people live shorter lives. It’s due to the fact that they tend to have higher blood pressure which make them prone to heart disease. According to a 2002 study by the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, men who were classified as having the highest level of anger in response to stress were over three times more likely to develop premature heart disease when compared to men who reported lower anger responses. Additionally, angry men were over six times more likely to have a heart attack by the age of 55. With all that said, try to stay calm and collected and don’t sweat the small stuff. It could literally kill you. 9. Eat Your Antioxidants. Fruits and vegetables are a good source of antioxidants which help repair aging and damaged cells harmed by free radicals. Studies show that high levels of free radicals lead to degenerative diseases, including atherosclerosis, Alzheimer’s and cancer. Some common foods with good levels of antioxidants are: cinnamon, cloves, blueberries, artichokes, and certain type of beans. 10. Exercise. Studies show that staying physically active and exercising regularly can help prevent or delay many diseases and disabilities. Even moderate exercise and physical activity can improve the health of people who are frail or who have diseases that accompany aging. Exercise is good for your body, mind and heart. If you’re not active start today. 3 Comments

What Type of Guy are You When You Pee? Jun 25, 2008 5:33 pm 325 Views Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger. Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not. Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later. Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy. Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink. Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot. Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do. Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants. Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing. Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering. Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing. Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him. Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later. Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing. Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing. Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time. Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops. Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers. Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers. Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one. Guys, can u answer this one? 2 Comments

Husband Quotes Jun 25, 2008 8:21 am 227 Views 1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" 4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. 5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. 6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. 7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Grafton Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." 8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. 9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." Dad: "That happens in every country, son!" 10. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE. 11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 12. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 13. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. 14. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 16. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." 17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!" 18. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." 1 comment

Pretend We're Married Jun 25, 2008 8:04 am 304 Views A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." 6 Comments

Birthday Gift...! Jun 25, 2008 8:02 am 223 Views Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the that's what Joe did. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said Joe. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'" 2 Comments

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