| Never Heard that Excuse! |
Aug 27, 2008 4:47 pm
32 Views | A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer. | |
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4 Comments | |
| Breathless |
Aug 22, 2008 8:34 pm
23 Views | You have left me breathless
By your caressing and touch
I want to leave you breathless
Because I love you very much
I've never felt this way
I'm loving every minute
I wouldn't ever want to imagine
Life without you in it
What would life be like
If you were not here with me
I know it would be so lonely
Just think how sad that would be
I hope you're mine forever
I hope that we are never apart
I hope you always leave me breathless
Because you're the beating of my heart
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1 comment | |
| Farmer and His Daughters |
Aug 18, 2008 8:59 am
34 Views | A small town farmer had 3 daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be somewhat over-protective of them. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure that they knew who was boss.
One evening all of his daughters had plans. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show - Is she ready to go?" The farmer frowned, but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again a few minutes later, the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty, We're gonna get spaghetti - Is she ready?" The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again after a couple of minutes. The farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Chuck..." And the farmer shot him. | |
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0 Comments | |
| Old Lady Makes Three Wishes |
Aug 18, 2008 8:46 am
32 Views | An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be really rich." *POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone
could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." | |
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0 Comments | |
| Views of Men |
Aug 18, 2008 8:27 am
35 Views | 1) If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, your aiming too high!
2) Women dont make fool's of men--Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
3) The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: your sick of him.
4) Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5) A womans work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6) If you want a nice man go for a bald one--they try harder.
7) Go for younger men. You might as well--they never mature anyway.
 A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9) Men are all the same--they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10) Definition of a man with manners--he gets out of the bath to pee.
11) Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband , you will usually find that he is.
12) Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men---Women.
13) There are alot of words you can use to describe men--strong, caring, loving--they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
14) Men are like animals--messy, insensitive and potentially violent--but they make great pets.
15) Men's brains are like the prison system--not enough cells per man.
16) There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men--"dont" and "stop".
17) Husbands are like children--they're fine if they are someone else's. | |
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0 Comments | |
| Lecture on Ghosts |
Aug 3, 2008 12:29 am
107 Views | A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said goats." | |
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2 Comments | |
| Give Up Drugs |
Aug 3, 2008 12:25 am
94 Views | Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said,
'This small circle is your asshole before prison....'" | |
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1 comment | |
| Glad To Be A Woman |
Jul 29, 2008 7:14 pm
116 Views | I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then sc**w you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old p***s envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my d**k
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
JOKE... JOKE...JOKE!!! | |
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1 comment | |
| Are Computers Male or Female? |
Jul 29, 2008 6:23 pm
120 Views | As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. | |
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2 Comments | |
| Class Question |
Jul 24, 2008 11:27 pm
132 Views | Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Samson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed." | |
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1 comment | |
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