Nude Gardening Oct 7, 2009 5:04 am 195 Views A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” Her neighbor replies,”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” She says Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So-so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.” 7 Comments

Cheated Blonde Oct 7, 2009 4:47 am 153 Views A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, “Shut up… you’re next.” 3 Comments

I Want To Get Weighed Oct 7, 2009 4:30 am 135 Views Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse. “I want to get weighed,” replied Amber. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” Amber responded. By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.” 1 comment

WHAT DO THEY HAVE? Oct 7, 2009 4:14 am 140 Views Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn’t have one, The POPE has one but doesn’t use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns’ was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi’s what is it??????? A LAST NAME.....! Were you thinking of something else? 1 comment

I Wanna Know What Love Is... I Want You To Show Me! Oct 6, 2009 12:10 am 152 Views Fear is not love, dependence is not love, jealousy is not love, possessiveness and domination are not love, responsibility and duty are not love, self-pity is not love, the agony of not being loved is not love, love is not the opposite of hate any more than humility is the opposite of vanity. So if you can eliminate all these, not by forcing them but by washing them away as the rain washes the dust of many days from a leaf, then perhaps you will come upon this strange flower which man always hungers after. It is accepting the person you love including the flaws, and whom you can walk hand in hand as both of you discover the mysteries of life with trust, understanding, honesty, loyalty, love and respect. 2 Comments

Types of Butts Oct 2, 2009 4:38 am 220 Views Need to describe your ass or someone else’s over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some “assicons”? Here goes: (_!_) A regular ass (__!__) A fat ass (__)(__) A “wide load” ass (!) A tight ass (_*_) A sore ass {_!_} A swishy ass (_o_) An ass that’s been around (_x_) Kiss my ass (_X_) Leave my ass alone (_zzz_) A tired ass (_E=mc2_) A smart ass (_?_) Dumb ass (_Lame_) Lame ass (_jack_) Jackass (_-$_) Cheap ass (_0_) A Prison ass (_) Half ass (®^®) Registered ass (__|___) Lop sided ass (_:_) 2 holed ass (_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that’s REALLY been around) (Mom)(__) Tattooed ass (_)||(_) fudged ass ()() Ass print on a window ( * * ) Ass with dimples (_X X_) A kicked ass (_%_) An average ass (_$_) A rich ass [_!_] A hard ass 8 Comments

REDNECK GAS STATION Oct 2, 2009 3:44 am 142 Views There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.” Soon a “redneck” customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed ( and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”. Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”. As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”. The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.” 1 comment

RETIREMENT May 6, 2009 8:09 pm 432 Views A word to the wise. For all those who are retired and those who hope to retire. I suggest that you pay close attention to Jims’ tale. ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND: It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are overly sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile an do offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim EDITOR’S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. < The all-women jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. 2 Comments

TAXES... TAXESS... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR May 6, 2009 7:34 pm 402 Views Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he’s fed. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule. Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts Anyway! Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think. Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries, then tax his tears. Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways To tax his ass. Tax all he has Then let him know, That you won’t be done till he has no dough. When he screams and hollers Then tax him more, Tax him till he’s good and sore. Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he’s laid. Put these words Upon his tomb, ‘Taxes drove me to my doom.. . ‘ When he’s gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply The inheritance tax. Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Excise Taxes Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax (currently 44. 75 cents per gallon) Gross Receipts Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Personal Property Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service Charge Tax Social Security Tax Road Usage Tax Sales Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone Federal Excise Tax Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most > prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? Can you spell ‘politicians?’ I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times!!! YOU can help it get there!!! THE HIPPIES WERE RIGHT!!!! GO AHEAD — BE AN AMERICAN NO OFFENSE MEANT... THIS IS ONLY A JOKE!!! 0 Comments

WHY, WHY, WHY??????? May 6, 2009 7:27 pm 436 Views Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? ——————————————————————————– Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they already know there is not enough money? ——————————————————————————– Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet? ——————————————————————————– Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? ——————————————————————————– Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? ——————————————————————————– Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ——————————————————————————– Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’? ——————————————————————————– If people evolved from apes, why are there still ape s? ——————————————————————————– Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? ——————————————————————————– Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? ——————————————————————————– Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? ——————————————————————————– Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? ——————————————————————————– Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? ——————————————————————————– How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? ——————————————————————————– When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re goin g?’ ——————————————————————————– Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? ——————————————————————————– In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? ——————————————————————————– How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? ——————————————————————————– And my FAVORITE…… The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you. 1 comment

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