Nah..
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Posted:Jan 22, 2006 10:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2814 Views
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I suppose it's human nature to be wary of any new love that comes along (or maybe even just the prospect of it). But there's a fine line that runs between being careful and being cynical.
And once again, here I am again pondering on one of life's mind-boggling mysteries: true love and lust; fakers, winners, and bozos; friends and lovers.
If a person got thrown off the , how long does it take before he conquers his fear and gets back on the ?
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move on..
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Posted:Jan 22, 2006 7:12 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2777 Views
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When do you define the boundaries of what's private and what's for public consumption? Would you lay bare to everyone what you fear most? And would wear your heart out on your sleeves?
But the power of the things that you fear most is the fact that you can't face them. You fear what you do not understand. So here I lay bare, the fact that I do not want to grow old alone. I want to have someone to share my life with and to leave my legacy to.
One day they will come true. I just have to have faith and trust that everything that happens happens for a reason. I know I just need patience. And I know I need it now!
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Missing you...
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Posted:Jan 22, 2006 2:36 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 3072 Views
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<---I miss, more than anything in the world right now, waking up to morning wood. Unconcious arousal really turns me on.
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As much as I love you today...
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Posted:Jan 22, 2006 2:56 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2783 Views
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tonight, without so much as a meter proximity,
i sank deeper than i would allow myself to.
Tomorrow, i would once again
think of ways to sweep you off your feet.
tonight, however, ill sleep it off and wish that
tomorrow, i dont love you
as much as i love you today
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There are....
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Posted:Jan 17, 2006 12:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2759 Views
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There are some things you can’t see but choose to believe in, reasons you have but can’t explain, mistakes you committed but choose not to regret, and love so hopeless you still choose to fight for…
In my case... I love so much.. I fight.. but I am hopeless... still, I am fighting even if its means..hurting myself more...
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What I have learned today...
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Posted:Jan 11, 2006 2:44 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2756 Views
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"When the only thing that matter is love: IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT HAVING WHAT WE WANT,BUT STRIVING TO BE HAPPY EVEN WITHOUT THE THINGS THAT WE WANT TO HAVE." Joe 'D Mango
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Dearest My ex Puertorican Guy...
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Posted:Jan 5, 2006 6:12 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 3086 Views
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Longest blog entry
Reading time : 2hours
Dearest Luciano Castro Jr.,
Sometimes I'm halfway through a cup of coffee and I realize that my life is sad and empty. Sometimes the thought of tomorrow just isn't enough to get me through today.
Sorry, baby, it turns out you weren't what I was looking for after all. Maybe even if ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it on the table in front of you, maybe if was just beating there, just bleeding there, maybe then we'd be okay. But there's too much ridiculous space between us and I'm too tied up in my own tiny fears and tiny loves, and you're too busy with your enormous dreams and enormous thoughts, and I keep missing you, we keep staring at each other, But that was just it, nothing more. Nothing even single word spoken. So maybe you have the answers to all my questions, and maybe only if you will hold my hand I don't feel like dying so much, and maybe when I throw myself out of a window, you can show me how to fly away, float on, forever and ever, never touch the ground again. But I can not stop screaming when I am near you. I can not stop wanting to drag you outside, under the rain, and hold you there until we are both so cold and wet and miserable that we make sense.
So I am going to sit under the stairs in a pink dress and build a castle out of spider webs, sweetie. I'm going to paint the walls turquoise and carve your name in the floor a million times. These tears are not for you, baby. My sadness has nothing to do with you.
All I want to do is curl up next you with some apple cider and a down blanket while you read poems by Rilke aloud and run your fingers through my hair. I keep inventing you in places you don't exist. I keep looking for you in places you'll never be.
( Why didn't you ever love me enough? Or did you ever feel like you love me? Why wasn't I enough to make you stay? To make you mine? )
I keep getting close to people because they remind me of you, then pushing them away when I realize they're so far from the person I (still) love. I'm tired of people holding my hands with their warm clammy eager nervous fingers. I need your still, confident hands wrapped around mine, securing my place in this world, holding me where I need to be. My world lacks its heaviness without you, I just drift and float away.
( I do not want to need you anymore. )
In a few minutes, I am going to walk into the living room. You are going to be sitting on the couch. You will look up when I enter the room, you will smile and put your book down. I will sit next to you and you will put your arm around my shoulder and I will lean into you and you will kiss my forehead. I will take your other hand in mine and trace circles on your palm with my fingers. I've been so lonely, I will say. What's so terrible about being lonely? you will ask.
I will have no answer to this question.
I know you think we needed to grow without each other. I know you think I'd end up better without you. But I don't think you realize how even when you're not here, you're here. How every single empty moment is filled with this tiny unbearable longing. How I can never wholly be with another person because another person will never wholly be you.
In my dreams, I have only ever loved you.
I want you to be happy. I want you to have no regrets . I do not want to keep you awake at night, to haunt your dreams, to follow you throughout the day as some dark unforgiving shadow. Please never miss me. Please, never sit in front of the computer to wether you will send me a message and tell me to make love to you, just let it go. Please do not spend your life thinking I was the one person who understood you, who knew you.
I could not bear to be as strong of a presence in your life as you are in mine. That would mean that this is so wrong, so stupid. A mistake. That would mean I should I have shown up on your doorstep a million years ago and pressed my hand against your chest to feel your heartbeat ... pressed my lips against your neck to taste your skin ...
I'm obviously not afraid to tell you that I love you. I have no problem letting you know that you're the only person who can break my heart. If you came to visit I wouldn't be worried that the house was messy and I hadn't shaved my legs. If I wake up in the morning with makeup smeared over my face and ratty hair and a killer hangover, if I drop a glass vase full of dead flowers on my foot, if a really fucking beautiful sunset makes me feel like dying, it's okay if you're there, it's okay if you see, because you're allowed to see me messy, you're allowed to know that. I don't care that you know how I wander around cemeteries trying to reconcile myself to the thought of death, or how I cry in the shower until the water runs cold, or how I go to Walmart in the middle of the night to find a cd that will put me to sleep. I don't mind giving you all of my secrets. I don't mind emptying my purse out in front of you.
And it's not that you're great, it's certainly not that you deserve this. It's not even because I love you. Maybe because I always think you’re my destiny…
And I'd like to say that I did something for you too... that maybe I answered your questions? Maybe I forgave you every time you broke my heart.
I know it's stupid to be obsessing over you right now, or ever. I know it's stupid to imagine that you're the answer to all my problems. I know that my memories of you are so much sweeter than the real thing, that you only disappoint me, that you have only ever let me down. I know that even you would fuck up my silkscreened shirts.
I miss you. Please just leave me alone.
But I've sat around waiting for you before and I don't want to do it anymore. I still love you, but you are wasting my time, I think. You probably imagine that I'll always be here, that you can come back anytime and I will softly smile and touch your arm and forget all the time that has passed. You're probably right, but that pisses me off, because there has to be somewhere else for me. But how can I leave you forever without saying goodbye? And how can I say goodbye without chasing you down? And if I chase you down ... if I chase you down, you will think you have won.
next time I will say goodbye. I will walk away. I will forget you. But until then, I'm sitting on the porch baby. I'm drinking a cup of coffee and I realize until then, baby, I'm yours.
I wake up every morning thinking I won't be able to make it through the day, but somehow I do. And this is what is going to happen every single day until my world turns to dust. My life is nothing but impossible days. They say life has meaning, I say okay. But still, I'm no closer to the truth. They say to make my own meaning, I say sure. But still, but still. Where do I go from here.
I wanted you to know that I'm still here, still in the same spot you last saw me. I wanted you to know nothing has changed, nothing can change.
You never said goodbye and I never told you I cared. So maybe we're even. So maybe I should just let it go, let you go. But you're that sweet dim memory that makes me smile in my sleep, you're that silent ghost who holds my hand at night, you're that quiet song in the background that makes the colors more vivid in my dreams.
I wanted to let you know that I'm going to keep on loving you, because I need to.
(The air is so thin up here. The air is so empty.)
(I know I would have loved you if I had ever learned how to talk to you, but I forgot your name the second I turned around and now neither of us will ever care.)
( do you cry yourself to sleep at night too ? )
Today was wobbly, uncertain. Things fluctuating in and out, up and down, nothing staying still for even a minute, even a second. I was standing barefoot on the beach while rain poured down, soaked through my clothes, clung to my eyelashes. I was waiting for the moment when you stop meaning anything to me anymore. I was waiting for a time when everything that happens to me is not colored by your absense. When I got home, a million decisions were made:
1) I will not love you anymore
1) I will not love you anymore
1) I will not love you anymore
Love,
May
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I'd say..
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Posted:Jan 2, 2006 7:53 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2848 Views
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For those who are after my back.
those who are mad at me for no reason.
to those who are simply insecure...
I'd say
SHUT UP!
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KEEPING MY HEART OUT OF SIGHT
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Posted:Jan 1, 2006 9:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2601 Views
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It has been a harrowing past few weeks, and though I thought it would have taken my smacking into a wall to let it all out, things are still pretty much bottled up.
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An XMAS Entry
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Posted:Jan 1, 2006 3:40 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:28 pm 2424 Views
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12-25-05
I was sitting inside the van, looking outside as the lights passed by in a blur. We were on our way home and I felt unusually melancholy tonight. I thought looking out the window would make me feel the holiday cheer. Instead, it made me think of my life - my past, my present and my future.
It's Christmas, I know. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should be happy. Filled with good cheer. But I'm not. And I feel myself catapulting to depression again. I wanted to scream with the unfairness of it all. Why can't I just enjoy this one day without thinking of things I have no control of?
As I was musing thus, my nephew who was sitting beside me started to lean over and snuggle in his sleep. And in that instant - as his head was in my shoulder, as my hand felt his beating heart, as I heard his steady breathing - I felt the world tilt and right itself. And I felt, for the first time today, that everything will be okay
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