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I admit After an exhausting time spent whining with anxiety ,fears and coming too close to insanity, for the fourth time in a year ive been laid on a butchering flatbed. Before that , i decided to beat the odds, freshened up, do my nails up and make myself beautiful at least in my own eyes. The day came and i was politely kept comfy and assured by some angels in blues and white uniform, sharing at least some of my fears. " can you please put my ipod back on after you are finish with me" This request was met by a simple chuckle and i am pleased. Tis for the simple reason that i dont want to wake up with stillness and quietness of being alone in the confinement of a white room. Barbra Streisand's album titled 'Love is the answer' woke me to sleep. One particular song in the album tugged at the heart. Of course, with Diana Krall on the piano, the music of these musical geniuses never fails to stimulate in me, the deepest sentiments of physical pain and my most private thoughts. "In the wee small hours of the morning....while the whole wide world is fast asleep...." Im not gonna talk further about my physical numbness but rather...... I woke up missing someone. The feeling jolted me. Wow, I thought I am done with this 'missing you so much' phase of my life, as it relates to any man. I have reached a point in my life a long time ago, when I vowed to myself that my happiness should never be dependent on anyone, except God; and that my emotional sustenance should come from having a love relationship with family, and a few good friends, whose friendship with me have been tested through time, distance, and the highs and lows of life. I am a student trying to learn the meaning of detachment. In my younger years, I knew how one could be deliriously happy, as I knew how to be in an abysmal kind of loneliness and grief. Many years ago, you might have found me crumpled on the bathroom floor. You might have found me sobbing there, puffy-faced, unable to get up and look at myself, unable to stop the cycle, unable to breathe, unable to see any way out— unable to let go.These are feelings which could wreak havoc on one's emotional balance and one's well-being. These negative feelings could greatly impact on one's career and productivity. When I got older, I vowed that those feelings should never be allowed again to invade my consciousness. Because they are connected with expectations we usually have from the people we love, I also determined to think only in terms of the more controllable elements, which are basically, my own attitudes, my own feelings. And I concentrated on developing my positive qualities, and lessen the negative ones. Hah, it is not an easy task. One never runs out of negative qualities to eradicate in one's system! This morning, I just realized that it takes courage to admit that you miss one person. Why? I thought that it was because when one admits to missing that person, one places one's self in a very vulnerable position. Most people do not like to be hurt anymore, as they have been in the past. But, when one reviews human history, one finds out that the most interesting, the people who have done so much for the evolution of humankind, are people who were not afraid to be vulnerable.....people who lived and died passionately loving themselves, their families, loving what they were doing...for themselves and for humanity: Christ, Muhammad, Krishna, Buddha, Zoroaster, Moses, the Bab, and Baha'u'llah. Closer to home: Jose Rizal, Bonifacio, Gabriela Silang, Silveria Anota and Dr. Mendoza of Palawan. And now, the unsung OFW heroes. Their lives have greatly affected the lives of every Filipino today. I am still listening to Barbra S. singing, accompanied by Diana Krall. I am still exhausted and numb . And in my heart I am asking: can I love someone intensely again without losing my bearings as a woman? At the back of my mind it screams: not yet dearest, not yet. Sunshine follows the storm. |
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Barbara, I love Barbara Streisands(many) and Diana Kraul(one song only). Anyways, a not so quite long ago when i lost the love of my life. I was behind my door on the floor sobbing uncontrolably!!! Because that love penetrated our soul so deep within!!! When we remember someone we used to love. It only showed at one time they meant so much to us. By the power of destiny we no longer have them near to touch. And even though so many years passed they popped in our minds. Like yesterday for me just remembered my ex-hubby it would have been 32yrs anniversary this Valentine. No i don't want him back in my life. Just the popping of him that kinda still shocks me after all these years passed... Love comes when it wants too, we never really have a say. And it's always a gift from God. Eventhough, the opposite sometimes. I guess the greatest love is to love ourselves even more than anyone.   Greatest feelings in the world when two souls profess a love for each other...
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2/21/2013 1:48 pm |
"happiness should never be dependent on anyone, except God; and that my emotional sustenance should come from having a love relationship with family, and a few good friends, whose friendship with me have been tested through time, distance, and the highs and lows of life" Barbz I fully agree with you on these...I only look up to God and his promises whenever I am down...and once you`re down, the only next thing is to go up  so keep it up amiga get well soon
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2/21/2013 5:37 pm |
Of course! you can love someone "intensely" again...Why Not? and you know what? when love grows, sometimes, you do not even require to be loved back...It's enough that you know what you're feeling, no expectations, whatsoever.. Just call me ELZ 
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2/21/2013 5:57 pm |
"happiness should never be dependent on anyone, except God; and that my emotional sustenance should come from having a love relationship with family, and a few good friends, whose friendship with me have been tested through time, distance, and the highs and lows of life" Barbz I fully agree with you on these...I only look up to God and his promises whenever I am down...and once you`re down, the only next thing is to go up so keep it up amiga get well soon
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2/21/2013 6:00 pm |
Barbara, I love Barbara Streisands(many) and Diana Kraul(one song only). Anyways, a not so quite long ago when i lost the love of my life. I was behind my door on the floor sobbing uncontrolably!!! Because that love penetrated our soul so deep within!!! When we remember someone we used to love. It only showed at one time they meant so much to us. By the power of destiny we no longer have them near to touch. And even though so many years passed they popped in our minds. Like yesterday for me just remembered my ex-hubby it would have been 32yrs anniversary this Valentine. No i don't want him back in my life. Just the popping of him that kinda still shocks me after all these years passed... Love comes when it wants too, we never really have a say. And it's always a gift from God. Eventhough, the opposite sometimes. I guess the greatest love is to love ourselves even more than anyone.
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2/22/2013 8:48 am |
Ate Barbz, you're doing well keeping up with your positive thoughts. It takes a lot of guts to admit having been broken, allowing negative to captivate at some point in life and especially missing someone you may no longer be able to hold. God is our refuge. Giving strength and reassurance.    within each one of us, and let it begin with me (and each one of us)..one breath at a time.
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Tess, we all have our ups and down. The way out to this is to find in our heart that we are ready to climb back higher...im loving myself even more, everyday, even with the way it changes everything , i even love the look of my new hair....hehehehe Only time will tell. When the healing comes. Just a memory and phase in our life. You know after all those heartaches and disappointments i never knew i'd make it. God is wonderful with the help of his angels to comfort us... Happy friday Greatest feelings in the world when two souls profess a love for each other...
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2/22/2013 1:11 pm |
Amiga con grcie, salamat ed sica. I apreciate your visit. Abalang ac la amo . Ag ac la acapambsita ed elr...god bless you... ...i add taka di mad kabila anapen koy ngaran mo amiga, okey? agta met makapantuntungan diat elr... God bless you too 
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2/23/2013 11:35 pm |
I happened to reAd you too on a thread in one of ate janes blog. I have learned through my experiences that you can start living with your purpose only when you can take the past as an inspiration, no, you neednt have to forget otherwise it wont serve its purpose, that is to be a better man...
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2/24/2013 6:50 am |
You are full of exciting stories ate jane , while elz is coming up with sumptuously looking foodie...tell me nga iwhat are the things ive miss this time.?
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2/24/2013 7:23 pm |
Of course! you can love someone "intensely" again...Why Not? and you know what? when love grows, sometimes, you do not even require to be loved back...It's enough that you know what you're feeling, no expectations, whatsoever..
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2/24/2013 7:33 pm |
Ate Barbz, you're doing well keeping up with your positive thoughts. It takes a lot of guts to admit having been broken, allowing negative to captivate at some point in life and especially missing someone you may no longer be able to hold. God is our refuge. Giving strength and reassurance.
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2/25/2013 2:08 pm |
" not just yet" that's how it should be, each persons healing path is unique. Don't let other people hurry you . The path is different for everybody. If these might help , just a thought to ponder, look at what you have already come through. And don't deny it, you have already come through some things which are very painful and , if you've been alive until you are thirty , you've gone through pains . It cost you something. And you've come through it. So at least look at that . Have a sense to look at yourself and say " well wait a minute , I'm stronger than I thought I was" .....for the many times I've been broken, and the latest one , here right now is so painful physically and emotionally , literally m y life is on the line , it has open my heart so wide because life actually is like that , full of mystery and gifts , and every moment of it can be full of real , radical joy and wakefulness............
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2/25/2013 5:28 pm |
You know what Manok, you amused me with your ability to give a positive thought but akin Lang naman you have to couple it with relatively kind words for every one , para naman talagang masabi ko na" you say what you mean and mean what you say" ...but I agree with what you said, now I'm ready to put it into action....
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