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| Blogs > Bebong2010 > MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO |
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zo maar... Why there are days that nothing seems to connect? That you feel like being trapped between two walls and it’s slowly closing in and breathing is too painful? That no matter what you do, reality is very far away and you float hovering above going nowhere seeing everything gray from morning till evening and your head is like an over stretched balloon with a few bricks inside about to burst at any moment with or without provocation then suddenly you find yourself plummeting under water and you realized you cannot swim which is good because it’s nice to stay there at the bottom where no one could find you and you don’t have to do something you don’t want to do or talk to people and say things you don’t mean but keep saying anyway because that’s what they expect from you? I can picture a cartoonify version of myself going from frame to frame, a dark cloud following me hanging above my head and once and a while it releases some water and I just sit there with a gloomy face letting the persistent cloud rain on me feeling indifferent being oblivious of the world around because I lost my groove and I cannot find it back and all I can do is walk and walk and walk…  only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide |
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10/27/2010 8:40 am |
I'm a songwriter with no voice. I'm pro-life but I want choice. My black and white pictures are mostly grey. And in a dichotomized world I lose my way. I am a paradox. I'm a musician in my own mind. And I'm evolving in my own time. One eye on yesterday, one on today, and ears for tomorrow. One vein of happiness, one of indifference, and one of sorrow. I am a duality. Consciously self-conscious and subconsciously confident. Dependent upon people, yet deeply independent. Eternally searching, ever finding, and always aware. Sensory input, sensory output, sensory is everywhere. I am complex. Definitions, restrictions, limitations, perturbations. Confusing, abusing, misusing, and losing. I cannot be defined. Innovative, creative, motivate, contemplative. Fleeing, freeing, seeing, and being. I will not be confined. ~ the net only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/27/2010 12:55 pm |
ah, jeff...i appreciate you and the people who tirelessly visiting my blog no matter how senseless my blabberings are but something happened again today that added wound to my already bleeding heart which btw is already full of scars from previous incidents and i'm not being dramatic because as you know me, drama is the least of my forte but it hurts... it really does realizing no matter how much effort you make... something will never change and today i don't want to play my usual strong self i don't want to raise my steel armour and shout i'm a rock nothing could touch me today i want to admit that i'm weary exhausted tired of this never ending battle today i throw away my sword put down my defense sit hang my head down between my thighs and learn to cry no walls today just plain ordinary hurting me only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/27/2010 2:09 pm |
for once i decided to post a close up photograph of myself bare naked face no powder no make up no nothing everyone can see all the imperfection every pores every wrinkles my lips are a bit chapped though and bleeding because of the weather i applied a bit of vaseline on them and they are embarrassingly shiny like my nose and forehead but i'm okay with it waiting for your comment i'm a bit low today need someone to talk to actually don't want to sound desperate (even though i am) i decided not to play superwoman today just for today i will show an unedited version of me and my thoughts for once i will shamelessly embarrass moi by being myself only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/27/2010 3:21 pm |
why it is that crying is too hard to do/learn? the more it hurts the more difficult it is for the tears to come i can sniffle watching a program usually about stpid things like cartoons i remember bawling all the way watching transformers could you imagine that but when it really really hurts and if it's about myself... i ended up feeling numb i just hang there staring at nothing not knowing what to do or say the best i can do is twist my lips or covered my mouth with my hand only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/27/2010 3:29 pm |
are we talking about superman now? i'm kind of lost here  who will be luthor? anybody could be anyone as long as i could keep the kryptonite only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/27/2010 3:35 pm |
you read me right i don't know what to do with compliments or comforting words i guess i'm just not used to them last year when i feel like this... i drink vodka through the night then i realized i will not let a sht turn me into an alcoholic it's bad enough i'm turning into non-believer and a cynic but sometimes... sometimes it's so bad i think to live is so fcking difficult (excuse my french) it is more easier to die hu hu hu! only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/27/2010 4:51 pm |
 "weird words in a bizarre world"
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10/27/2010 10:28 pm |
your eyes look so tired  tears are ready to come out... let it out bebz love is the greatest gift of all 
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10/27/2010 10:32 pm |
i cry with you   love is the greatest gift of all
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10/28/2010 1:20 am |
when i say i'm turning into non-believer i'm talking about loarggghhve between couple in another word = romantic relationship but never never for once my faith in HIM waver no matter what happened in my life and what it is still to come... HE is my only grip and anchor my compass and that will never change so i believe in every word of what you said in here jo and thanks for the reminder and the encouragement good that we still have this small world of blogging to share and communicate even in the wee hours if you feel bad just type a few words and there will always be someone there to talk to only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/28/2010 1:23 am |
thank you sometimes when i try so hard i really could make myself believe i do only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/28/2010 1:26 am |
your eyes look so tired tears are ready to come out... let it out bebz my daughter pointed out to me more than once that if i laugh or smile it never reaches my eyes scary she said only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/28/2010 1:35 am |
so, steven... which you love (translation: fancy) about me the most... my looks or my brain? (it's a joke btw) interesting is one adjective i'm happy enough to be described i rather be interesting than pretty or beautiful because it fades only skin deep while "interesting" is infinite and can mean a lot of things going to a halloween party dressed without much effort like a cat and expecting to win? i thought demure works for you and here you are getting excited about the prospect of seeing ordinary women turned slutty if i don't live bazillion miles away... would you be happy to share thoughts with me? only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/28/2010 1:40 am |
i cry with you you make me laugh the red smiley is cross eyed already from too much crying it's too cute! only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/28/2010 1:41 am |
isn't she wonderful? one of the few i would love to meet in person only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/28/2010 7:15 am |
you know people... i used to guys staring at me in the sreets shops restaurants public places... i have enough men showing interest i experienced boys doing crazy things just to get near me more than anything, i heard enough " i loaarrrghhhve you" in my life that it drives me mad if someone speaks the words to me it gotten so bad i cannot even put it in black in white but you know what... when it really comes to it... nobody does only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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Bebs, My computer was acting up last night it won't let me post on what i thought. Even earlier, probably coz i didn't buy the anti-virus and the trial period ended. Ok, u know how we can't really know how hard a person suffers day to day unless we live in that person's shoes. What you deal with every day is very hard. Staring at death every minute thru ur patient's eyes. It's not easy. So, please be vulnerable. We are not super humans every single minute. We as your friends here and only listen and give 2 cents advice. Either u take it or leave it, up to you. It's easier to die no doubt about it. But, living is a challenge. You are still very young and gorgeous!!! I see ur pic and can't help but cry with you, that glimmer of tears in your eyes. I was going to join in ur vodka cheers. We are here ok. To listen... Greatest feelings in the world when two souls profess a love for each other...
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10/28/2010 7:49 pm |
Hello Bebz, my friend...I will see you here soon, next week...Don't worry about seemingly unable to "connect"...Sometimes, we don't have to...Because we have the tendency to have our "own world"...Take care!   Just call me ELZ 
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10/28/2010 8:38 pm |
thanks jean you make me laugh the red smiley is cross eyed already from too much crying it's too cute!  love is the greatest gift of all
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10/28/2010 8:41 pm |
thanks jean you make me laugh the red smiley is cross eyed already from too much crying it's too cute! love is the greatest gift of all
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10/28/2010 8:48 pm |
take that back it was sexymermaid... but also roxy dear... love is the greatest gift of all
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10/29/2010 2:40 am |
jus... a pink one with matching head band only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/29/2010 3:26 am |
you could be lois lane feeling better... how i could describe it my significant other and i are not over the rough patch yet if i get my way i would sell the house get a divorce and go where i never been before and nobody knows me why? because if i stay with him no matter how comfy my life is going to be, i will never known passion again or love or how to feel a woman or to be appreciated i miss romance i miss being taken care of in an alpha way i miss someone who could make a decision and not always depending on me someone who could surprise me in a good way somebody i can camp with and not ending in disaster one who could make me laugh tremble in my shoes a guy i could talk to and understand that we could share anything that he could read my thoughts not explaining 7 yrs and still don't understand a thing i miss adventures in short i miss a ... man? maybe it's only a phase but you see... i'm 43 now i don't have an eternity to wait for someone who may or may not grow up and he's asking that while he is finding out if... my life is slowly ticking away and before we know it's another seven years that's how i feel yesterday he want a date again this time i didn't dressed up just jump in the car it turned out after few km he ran out of fuel because he didn't tank we had to turn around to find some specific station that would accept his free tank card for the company but he don't have it it's in his bag for work then he forget the pin code on his bank card and he didn't have cash with him and i don't have my wallet coz i was wearing jogging suit you could imagine what happened next then depending himself he said it's not his fault but the fault of the girl who run over the mercs  because if she didn't do it then our car would not be in the garage he will not have this subs auto which he didn't get used to yet therefore he doesn't know when he have to fill it with fuel  then it's the fault of the secretary  who didn't remind him that his tank card is still probably in the office and why i didn't call him to ready everything isn't it my job as a personal assistant slash organizer and quality coordinator to see if everything is okay  i said i was busy with clients and with our accountant at home talking about other things that have nothing to do with his tank card and the discussion goes on and on...combining bed and breakfast with an IT business with an idi-ot is maybe not such a good idea after all it's easy for him he keep his job in the same company the only difference is he's doing it for his own self now no boss because he's the boss while it's up to me to bring clients in convincing them of his capacity  i better stop here i think before i have a heart attack on my lunch breakonly dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/29/2010 3:29 am |
i even forget to say what i would do with the K maybe D could be a superman and i could sho-ve it down his throat and sew his li-ps with a barbed wire only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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10/29/2010 3:36 am |
Bebs, My computer was acting up last night it won't let me post on what i thought. Even earlier, probably coz i didn't buy the anti-virus and the trial period ended. Ok, u know how we can't really know how hard a person suffers day to day unless we live in that person's shoes. What you deal with every day is very hard. Staring at death every minute thru ur patient's eyes. It's not easy. So, please be vulnerable. We are not super humans every single minute. We as your friends here and only listen and give 2 cents advice. Either u take it or leave it, up to you. It's easier to die no doubt about it. But, living is a challenge. You are still very young and gorgeous!!! I see ur pic and can't help but cry with you, that glimmer of tears in your eyes. I was going to join in ur vodka cheers. We are here ok. To listen... sometimes i wish the good people here is just around the corner so sharing vodka would be no problem but then again i have few friends just around the corner and i never call them when i feel bad maybe because it's easier to talk to strangers knowing whatever you tell them will not haunt you in real life it's always safe to have anti virus and firewall you never know if you don't want to buy them get another one for free to try only dead fish go with the flow ~ JolieLaide
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