Graveyarder....  

4/15/2005 5:29 pm Last Read: 3/5/2006 9:28 pm

6:45am- 04-14-05 I haven't slept yet. My entirely feels numb, my eyes were totally itchy, my lips were dry. And, my heart is still feeling more pain this time. I would like to think that as day passes by, my heart is becoming more painful.. ouch!! I tried closing my eyes. I slept at 9pm last night. like the usual time I feel sleepy, but I found myself looking at the horizon and of nowhere while my brain is in complete blank.. and feels numb. I thought I would never cry after the whole day of teary jerky moment, but as the night is getting deeper, the silent was more on the void, I found myself silently crying and once again... I couldn't stop it. 11pm - 04-13-05 was still up... beyond the silence.. I looked at the phone and what a coindence, it is ringing, I thought It wasn't true. But it never stops ringing. It was Andrei on the other end of the line. Aahhh... it was just a simple... "Hello, How are you?"..I just said yes, but it was just a simple lie. I don't wanna keep him longer, I know he still need to go to work at the station. But I was touches that at least this guy never failed to let me know he cares and he's stil a friend whom I can always rely on.... sweet. 12mn-1am - 04-14-05 My mood never changed throughout the hour, and I almost thought it was unbearable.. Perhaps it is.. but I'd like to give myself the benefit of being a brave girl. ... I am hearing the phone once again. I was thinking if I'm going to answer it this time. nah, why not. I guess that's a savior this time, one who will save me from the boredom of the silent night .. the pain is creeping within my inner sense making its way down my entire emotion that is causing me from crying out loud.. It was MisterSlyde, oh.. I remember, he would call before, during 1am and we would be talking for almost 6 hours (were both insomiac).. And I miss him so. Slyde and I have almost the same kind of life we live for, .. and were getting along well in almost everything... we keep each other as a good/closest friends, he once tried being more than a friend but we both decided the we do not want to loose each other and we remained as friends. One thing I would always remember about Slyde, he never finish a book without reading it with me. And we would meet every weekend for a coffee and Mocha Frap while we are finishing the book he bought. When he met Alfie, Sylde changed a bit, he created a small barriers between me and him and focus himself to Alfie whom he thought who loves him but Alfie gone in the wind like a whirlwind just passing by to at least make you feel the comfortable feeling it will bring you. We did not go back from what we are before... but we hang out and talk a lot.. and I would always be his partner on his graveyard shift. This time, He's not being sentimental, he did not mention about his ex-girlfriend. But instead, he asked me about my lovelife. He knows it well anyway, but he's kinda figuring out wether I am allright or still silently crying my butt off. "May, swipe the tears and let me challenge you for another question and we will go on air in a couple of minutes, you still have time to warm up that brain and let it work for this morning topic" that's how we started a sensible conversation all the way until 4am... He is on until 3am but he decided to chat with me and stay in the booth until 4am. " Free your mind" that's has something to do with his topic... How do you free your mind from the bondage of a certain things you are bonded to...but is trying to escape.... kinda hard to figure it out but we had an excellent point of views towards the topic. 4am We hang up the phone... At once... I was feel relieved from the pain, but as I remained silent again while looking outside my window... I started thinking again and Before I knew it.... It was already day light, no more darkness, but within me is the darkness I have been hating now .... Oh dang... I wasn't able to sleep.... the whole night... and this morning... is another story... another reality of my so called "LIFE". will I get the chance to sleep today? or least the daytime? no... Ill go out.... cheer myself up.. find my self lost in the middle of nowhere.. and again... I realized once more.. part of me is with someone... far away... he brought it with him.. and it's no way I can have it back not until he's here with me... Beside me... and holding me tight... maybe then that will be the time I will be back to the old normal ME.... oh... but at least... find the other 2/4 of me lost somewhere, maybe in an ice cream parlor.. or in the salon... or in another tube of lipstick... or maybe a new clothes perhaps? or if not... maybe in a all day spa.... Whatever it is.. I will find it... I am beginning to pity myself.. for hurting so bad.. and I knew it ain't a good thing....