Agony...  

4/15/2005 5:23 pm Last Read: 3/5/2006 9:28 pm

Last night I called up DaKidd. There was no one else I knew that I could run to ( other than Mama Ivee ). I was feeling so low. I had to reassure DaKidd that I was still alright despite him noticing that I really didn't sound okay. I wasn't. There was no hiding it. He and Slyde know me well enough and I was never the one who could hide things from them. I told DaKidd how frustrated I was about not knowing how Tyler really feels about me. I was half-crying while I told DaKidd how awful I was feeling. I sensed that he was so upset that I was feeling defeated and disheartened. I was. I still am. What DaKidd told me really melted my heart and wished that he and Slyde were beside me right then. These had held me up countless times and had been my protectors. He said he knew me better than to be feeling discomfitted with what was happening. He warned me before that I shouldn't try to rush things and not to fall too soon but it was love at first sight which has no time to choose wether when to give in. He kept telling me that I have done my part. If Tyler doesn't realize the agony that I was feeling, then it's not my fault. Tyler should be sensitive enough to feel that. I told DaKidd that he shouldn't blame Tyler for what was happening to me. It's all my fault anyway. I was the one who was been eager to keep him with me inspite the fact the he really wanted to let go. Then DaKidd said I should stop trying to cover for or defend Tyler, he was short of scolding me. I fell quiet and DaKidd went on to remind me not to lose myself in the maelstrom. or find my way out. Slyde on the other hand said, there's somebody out there for me. I told him how much I wanted that somebody to be Tyler. He said that if Tyler. was indeed that somebody, then I wouldn't be wallowing in agony right then. I couldn't say anything after that. Slyde was right. He was always right. I told him I was gonna sleep on it. maybe the next day, my mind would be clearer. this morning, when I woke UP, Tyler wasn't online or just hiding, maybe. I could've waited for a few more weeks. But I had to find out. Like what I told DaKidd, I couldn't stand not knowing. I had to know. I wanted to know if Tyler will insist on ignoring me without telling me what was going on. and For how long will he have to ignore me. so I asked. But there was none... no answer ... it remained silent... I remained silent as well and figured out things : Now I know I didn't want to hear it (Good thing he wasn't there ). I needed to hear it (But I guess not for now) . Now I know I wish I didn't need to know ( I guess it is going to hurt me more) . I had to go back to thinking again... It's true. I'll never stop thinking of Tyler. I'll never stop loving someone special as Tyler. Now I don't know if I really wanted to be set free from not-knowing in the first place. ignorance is indeed bliss. DaKidd asked me earlier how was it that I could go on with something that seems to be pulling me down, yet I still try to hold on to. I don't know. maybe indeed I have masochistic tendencies as what he and Slyde told me before. What happens now? I'll always be here for Tyler I'll be able to get over this. I just don't know how long. Not now most definitely. but I'm gonna continue loving Tyler. Only God knows until when. maybe Forever. I just need to be alone for now. not lonely. just alone. -Sigh-